Wednesday Jun 29, 1988

7:00
     Carolina Creme. This evening I start the next book. There are eleven pages left in the last one, tonight is the Full Moon Night, a Train was stopped on the track so I stopped to visit with it (it was waiting for another to pass), started to listen to the French tapes, and htere is subject of the last entry, so Idecided to start this next book tonight. What other reason is there to wait on? Just when is the "right time to change"? Anyway, the deed is done!
     I still feel really bad about what happen at his reunion! Wish I did not ahve to feel so paranoid and under attach by evil forces all the time. Why cant I smoke pot with friends, and have a good time like it's suppose to be! I must write them a letter to apologize again. Will they ever forgive me, will it ever be the same!
     I think the visit witht he train has helped, I sortof feel good again. Saw the trainn people up at the engine, guess they saw me too. Sortof fantasized about hoboing, even France hoboing. I will always want to travel, to explore, to adventure around the world. yet what have I done to make it happen? Always dreaming.
     I want to do it all, but i have done notheing to do it.

Friday Jul 1, 1988

8:25
     Carolina Creme. I sat here and wrote the Jun 23 Prayer about the bad end to my visit with them. I also added some to a couple of other prayers. Just wanted to make note of what I did here tonight.
     I also only had a cake donut and coke, felt like "imagining' like I'm a poor street boy, hungry and lonely.

Saturday Jul 9, 1988

1:15
     Whitewater Falls. There was trash here last Monday when I was here. Thought I would come back to pick it up.
     Last time I was here, I wrote Marli, used the back of a card - the foldout back - all o fit. That made me feel good last time. I actually did something constructive. Stayed late too, Just me and the mist and the dampness of an almost raining afternoon. Should have started to wrtie another letter to Marli - I hope I can.
     Last night - some of the Singer people got together at Bob's place. Like they use to do a long time ago. The reason given being a going away party for those who have found better jobs elsewhere. With most of the 'young' people ther it made me feel like beign at a Yuppie Party. Tony and Glenn were talking about crashing there when they got too drunk to drive home. Some of the others were hinting the same too. I drank only two beers, of course no pot smoking. The others were doing liquer, of course they are twenty and early thirty people and can do such things. The deep down meaning of it all was that I felt out of place and paranoid again. Not as bad as last time, but I had to leave anyway. -- I see couples who are not lonely, but feel my own loneliness. That's why I left.
     Even now, I am near groups of people and sense my loneliness. My other problem is that I want to go to Randy and Shelias tonight, but from habit I feel like I have to sit with mom. The other night when Tony invited me out to eat with Jay, I heard the train whistle and mentioned about having to feel like running away from home. Jay replied, "tried of being a good boy and doing what you have to do." It was another one of "do they really read my feelings that well? Do I have no privacy at all?" Most likely, it's just another sign of mental illness.
     There's three boys, laughing and joking and doing what friends should be doing. Living a happy life. They are part of the "beautiful people" group. If you got the looks, you're got it all. The boys just left back up the river. One had on almost see through shorts. No doubt about the shape of his butt as he climb over the rocks. Sort of like a wet T shirt. Now there's another family group here. Certainly is crowded this afternoon. It's cooling off now, clouding up. Maybe I'll stay a while longer.

Friday Jul 29, 1988

7:20
     Carolina Creme again. It's been twenty days since the last time I made an entry. Notice that it was at Whitewater Falls, the one where and when the lady picked up my journal and read the part about the mental illness thing. You know that has really bothered me - I have left stuff laying around there before without anyone messing with, then all I have to do is make some comment about being crazy and some bitch picks it up to read. You know it all a part of the master plot to make Jerry crazy.
     So, what's been happenig? More stuff to make Jerry crazy. .... Just flat out give up ever having any kind of life of my own. Started smoking regular again, going give up giving up smoking. Everything has been hopeless these last two weeks, last night was my first evening out and anight at my house, tonight is my second,but I expect to find this ended badly too. It has been trouble! .... not being able to do anything for myself. Even when I'm alone to do somethignfor myself - I coant. It's so hopeless. Had to did up mom's septic tank, I knew it was going be a desister. Blistered my hand digging, I did. Took her car to be fixed too. Always something - the pressure never lets up.
     Marli is to be in Jersey the three weeks in August. Martha wants me to go up with her to visit and all of us come back to Pickens. -- Something to do for myself -- will it really happen? For sure. Will it really make me happy? Probably not. It will be too expensive for me to enjoy. Besides 'they' are setting me up fa a match. More pressure, it never lets up.
     The young people ae here [mall parking] tonight. A handsome young dude came into eat a sandwich, the fair young maiden, behind the counter came to sit with him. Did they already know each other, or was she bold to invite herself to sit with him? -- It will (would) never happen to me -- If you got the physique, you got it all.

Wednesday Aug 3, 1988

8:00
     CC Easley. The young ones are here again tonight. The middle of the week,it is and they are there, they are. But not for much longer, school, starts in two or three weeks. Then it will be just a weekend thing to hang out. No matter to me - I'm too old and I never hd the physique, no - never did. And it takes the looks and the physique to have a happy life!

Friday Aug 5, 1988

8:15
     CC Easley. I've been to Alex's, delivered a vaccum cleaner to him. He showed me his new computer, a 386 machine. He has the Bible on disk - I'm going to coyp it. That's what the usual encounter is.
     But -- Pat, she had her past ('88) seniors over for a get together. You know - young kids - and such an old fashion type get together. The no drug group or so it would appear. They went out to paly V-ball and the boys came back in through the basement - where Alex and I and his computer were - sweated boys. All this was really good.
     But --- David, he played the guitar for me. Classical and Rock. He's really good too. -- Better than I would ever be. Alex sort of made him play - and what else would you expect. An embarssed teenager - giving a command performance. Such a smart - book smart - and talented young man. He's really going places and doing things in his future.
     But -- it was so nice to sit in his bedroom listening to him play. You know what! It was a touch of happiness - a brief moment of knowing what the happy - friendly life could have been like.
     But --- the touch of insanity will return you know. So sad, so terribly terribly sad.

Saturday Aug 6, 1988

6:55
     Today I went to the top of Whiteside, when was the last time - May 30 or so - the Blue Moon - month? Even after all the cigs I've smoked - I made it to the top with the usual huffing and puffing. The thing I did diff was find a shaded place jsut a ways east of the top. I sat there, leaning up against a tree - and watched the people walk by. One kid was surprised by my silent presence - he was absorbed in his walking. I got tired and laid down with my back to the trail. Two or three groups went by - one loner among them. Then it started to cloud up, thunder and lightning and such, so I walked back down the mountain. Thought I would stop at Whitewater - but it was sortof rainign and I was still tired so I went on home to my house. Did the usual chores - clothes, bath adn such. Watch the news - dozed off, then left to get out a bit - to eat something. Stopped at McDs but they were busy. So that's how I ended up here - back in Easley. What will I do next?
     I havent written anything in so long, I dont think I can any more. I'm so tired of this life. I want to ....

Wednesday Aug 10, 1988

7:35
     Carolina Creme. Watched a movie tonight, the one titled "License to Drive" about a teenager's first license or lack there of. He drove all night without one -- such adventures -- doing whatever you have to, to go on that first date. It had Corey Fieldman in it, he was in "Lost Boys" the comic book kid. He's the next generation male actor.
     Marli will be here tomorrow night.

Friday Aug 12, 1988

---
     {{Margin note: I've let my watch rundown, maybe permentantly.}}
     BurgerKing, Easley. (the palce where I told myself; that I would never eat here again; cause 'they' hired 'them' to chase away 'the kids')
     And there is one of 'them' [tow of them] sitting in a booth. The young one of 'them' was sitting out in a car with his girl and her best friend. Sitting there, like lottering kids, like the lotteing kids, 'he' is suppose to chase away. A young a cute young kid, trainee future cop. That's what 'he' is. Making out with his girl - kissing that long farewell kiss.
     So what's happening? [[ cynical thought, so long as I'm not in New York, with two women, having a good time. cynical snicker, snicker, snicker.]
---
     The cauldron so full and boiling hot, I cant pour anything out.

Friday Aug 19, 1988

---
     Pizza Inn, Pickens. What am I to do about Marli? She's so nice to me, sometimes I sense she is in love with me. Or is it cause I wish she was? I know I am so tired of being alone and she knows too and that I dont know what to make of htis situation. She has been here eight days - I took her to Clemson University Sunday, to Garcia's the Friday (or wast it Saturday) night before, ate at Martha's Monday (or Tuesday) night, Randy, Shellia, Marli and I ate at Aloha last night. So you see, this is just not 'my' usuall life style. And I dont know what to make of it.
     I keep dreading 'the bad thing' to happen, me living my own life - something bad usually happens to bring back the depression of loneliness.
     Why cant I "go for it"? Do whatever it takes ot brign Marli back, to live a life of my own, to live. But what about the resposibilities, the potential for desister, the bad things that have happened. What about all of those things?
     I dont really love Marli - it's only the dread of being alone for the rest of my life. If I did, would i hesitate any at all, toi "go for it"? Would I? But how does one know? How am I dot know if I'm in love? That's whay Randy asked me -- before he and Shelia got married? What did I tell him?
     How do I know - I'm just being a puppet - jerk aruond, like a puppet on strings.

Friday Aug 26, 1988

---
     Carolina Creme. Another week has passed by. Still I've done nothing to improve my lot. Marli has been here a week or has it been two? Still I've done nothing to improve my (our) lot.
     It is a Full Moon tonight, the moon it is rising beyond the city - tree - line. Should I have taken Marli somewhere tonight - was her evening already planned. I would like to have taken her to the top of Whiteside to watch the moon rise. --- Martha said she cried last night after I left her there. Wanted to take her to the Beach this weekend. Wanted to take her to Whitewater too. Wanted to do lots of things with her. But my mind and emotions ar all confused and short curcuited. You know.
     School has begun, this week the kids have been in shcool. Tonight is Friday Football night and date night and after game after glow gatherings. That's why there are so few kids here - now - it's not "after" yet. [[ Mind wandering, looking at the Moon, wondering, are there any late Summer kids at the Beach tonight? Yes, Yes! Let my mind escape to the Beach - to Hilton head. ]]
     === Three old - old cars all shinning and polished and gleasoning like new - but not black. == Parked up front, beside the Highway, for all to see == [[ Listen for the Beach, reach out and feel for the Beach, touch the Beach and let it touch me! ]] == Now they are four old cars, the people they attract == Such fortune I should have, to have such, which attracts, such interest == [[ Even my meeger words, written upon the Beach. ]]

Tuesday Aug 30, 1988

2:00
     Carolina Creme. Marli has left to go back to Brazil, saw her off at the airport about noon time. My Brazilian Lady has gone and I dont know if we will ever meet again. --- a faint sense of international love affair, me with such feelings, traveling within my mind, almost like a kid in Europe and his first affair. --- but is it just my first experience with having a Lady care for me.

Wednesday Aug 31, 1988

7:05
     Carolina Creme. via BurgerKing. So What! is diff? I am alone again, she's there and I'm here, just like it was before and hence. So what's the diff? [[ This faint sense of knowing there is somone who has cared for me ]] That's the only diff. [[ So now I have to suffer the seperation ]] Suffer before, suffer after so what's the diff? [[ She's the only one who has cared. This is the first, what would others feel like? ]] What makes you think there would be others? None would give you a second look, for you looks. It's your thoughts and words that she likes - not your looks!

Friday Sep 2, 1988

7:35
     Carolina Creme. Maybe it's just cause the weather is cool again, maybe it's just cause 'the (la) school' has begun, maybe it's cause of something else --- whateever, it feels like it felt before seventy seven. Just out of the navy, in tricountytec and clemson, at singer the first year. That's how it feels now. It also feels like "the good times" from sixty seven through seventyfive, a whiff of high school and college, a touch of Virginia Beach, a vision of the way life should have been.
     But then ... maybe it's just cause Marli cares about me! Is this what it feel slike - would have felt like - to date? to socialize, with other human beings? Would it be the same with anyone else? What memories of women and feelings would have I had, if I could have felt this way long ago? --- international love affair --- street life love affair ---
     Does Tony have such memories? / Jump up and go -- go anywhere / wandering mind, wandering spirit / Let the body wander too.

Friday Sep 2, 1988

9:15
     SubStationII, Clemson SC USA. "Lay a couple lines of mustard on it ... how's that? ... lay a couple more lines." Standing - outback - at top of stair - listening to music fly - watching college kids - standing out back - beside the street - making music fly. That's the scene here in Clemson tonight. Sensing -- is it possible? innosence reborn in this generation. There's no rebellion here and now - an acceptance of the status quo. Just like the fiftys it is. Standing outback - at top of stairs - imagining a time long, long ago - a place far, far away.
     It's tear city here, the onions are too much.

Sunday Sep 4, 1988

6:05
     Wendy's, Heywood Rd Grn'le. Out in the big city tonight. Staying at the Hilton -- cause I'd rather pay for a night alone than stay at home for the evening. "Pay TV" with a room that's it. Plan on writing but watching instead. Just like my routine whereever I check into a hotel. Maybe when I get back - I'll do my writing thing. -- Maybe my mind will wander off on some imaginary trip -- Maybe I'll get depressed cause it's not real. -- Maybe it's cause I wouldnt pay twenty dollar to eat alone at their resturant. -- Maybe that's it.

Monday Sep 5, 1988

8:10
     Hilton, Grn'vle. Another "exciting" holiday in a hotel room. Last evening and this morning. Mostly just sitting looking out the big window at the old airport and city lights (last night). Did a walk around heywood mall and, of course, to breakfast this morning. Didnt do any writing, when I got to those places, all I do is think and wish and dream. [[ The high rise building are coming out of the fog, wish my mind would. ]]
     For an hour I have sat here, looking out the window, watching life fly by, wishing i had twenty one years worth of traveling - living - memories.
     It's nine thirty, time to pack up and move on.

Tuesay Sep 6, 1988

6:00
     Carolina Creme. Marli, I want to write to you, Like always, there's so much to say and I dont know where to begin. Maybe I should call tonight, but what if you're not there --- I cant speak Protuguese with whoever answers the phone. I dont know what to do - will we ever be able to date to find out what we will do? I want us to get together, but ... what about kids, I dont think I could raise a family; what about the distance to you family, will you get homesick and wnat to go back; what about all the other things I cant think of, but there always hardships; what about me not adjusting from single loner to always with somone; what about ....?
     Maybe I should just go on back home, it'll be till eight when I get there.

Saturday Sept 10, 1988

2:45
     Highlands Mountaineer Resturant. [was at Whiteside] Today - even though it was raining, even though I ws to have been at Hilton Head == I visited my ole friend Whiteside Mountain. It was too hot this Summer and it was flooded at Hilton Head - so where else but run for the high ground, return to my faithful frineds.
     It's been another miserable summer, with the heat and with ... and with my own schziod paranoid mind and with the desister and with not being able to be with Marli. Yes, it's been another miserable summer and there's not much left... of either it or me.
     God, that I could run away, marry Marli and we lived happ ever after in one continous travel adventure.
     While sitting, in my truck, after I came back down off the mountain cause it started raining, I wrote Marli a letter. I feels so good to have someone to write to - To have someone who cares for me, I think? I wish that she coudl be here so we could date. I know it's caouse she's the first who ever cared. I know it's cause I could write her words, instead of speaking. Iv'e never learnt to date - I've said it before, I'll say it again too -- Why couldnt she answer the phone?
     I've got to get busy and write 'the Big' letter.
5:00
     Whitewater Falls. Just stopped by, to visit with you, my dear, dear friend. --- It's fogged in here to, saw it cresting the Falls as I was still on the trail. What does it mean?
8:00
     Carolian Creme. I was here tonight too. Just had to get out of the house. I think Idont like it there anymore. Too many bad things, never any good things.

Wednesday Sept 14, 1988

7:25
     Carolian Creme. Sat here and wrote Marli a letter. I've got to write the Package letter for her, letters to papers, and all the other things I want to do. It has been a long time since I have felt hungry. I should not eat for a while.

Friday Sept 16, 1988

6:50
     China Garden, Hilton Head Island

Saturday Sept 17, 1988

6:30
     Denny's Hilton Head. 6:30 breakfast at Dennys

Saturday Sept 17, 1988

12:00
     the Circle. Hilton Head. All it is, is Quality Loafering, that's what it is. Walked up the beach early, as far as Marriot. Couldnt go any farther, blocked off by high tide and property lines (fences). Jumped up on the fence and shout, "HEY.. is it to keep people like me out or people like you in?"
     So here I am back in the Village, sitting in the Circle, watching the cars (world) go round. I did pack up and walk up to the pantry stor to buy a coke, canned meat, and cigs. Just to do it with a pack on my back. Thought about sitting it down in the store but didnt, just walked around with it on and with my walking stick in hand.
     Stood outside to put what I bought in the pack. then it's back to the Circle it si. made a short trip to the public access but the sun is too bright, no, my eyes too weak and use to the dark. So it's back to the Circle again. A kid wandered in just after I left, it always happens that way, an opportunity to talk, just missed.
     Discovered a major truth last night, while walking down the beach. Maybe rediscovered, it's more difficult to know the diff between original thought and dejavu. After I had stopped and turned back, I realized what was the diff between beign free and not being free. When you're free - you just keep on walking, when not, you always have to turn back.

Saturday Sept 17, 1988

8:15
     Sharky's Pizza. Hilton Head Island. I know it's late but I was bored, sitting in the room, flipping through he flipping tv channels. It's started to rain too, but I dont care, I have to leave tomorrow and didnt want to spend it in the room alone and there will be even less opportunity to get out to meet anyone tonight. Such a waste. Maybe I should just sit here, eat and get fat, drink beer, jsut so I can be near other people's voices.

Sunday Sept 18, 1988

8:15
     Public Access Hilton Head. Last morning rituals. Walk to get paper, breakfast, go sit on the beach, feel bad about having to go back. And then there's the couples every where, but none with me. == Life hates me, I hate life == [[ Saw Don Johnson in "a boy and his dog" 1975, old style SciFi. ]]
     Beach Patrol reporting for work, one of them anyway. Young, smooth, bronzed, hairless skin - how nice it would have been.
     [[ in the END, the boy killed the girl for food for his dog. ]]
     Is that what all these young couples do - use each other for their own personal needs, for the Summer or steady dates. But never forever.
     The sun is out this morning, that's nice, for when I have to leave. Wont get ot watch all the young skin on the beach today.

Monday Sept 26, 1988

7:30
     Carolina Creme. Talked with Marli just a while ago! I actually called to Brazil to talk with her. And she was there too! Just had to get out, come down here, and write about it. Get a donut and coffee too, of course. I see [ah-so] it is a Full Moon - still - the last night of the Fall Full Moon. Does that mean something too?
     Sitting here, thinkig aobut "Caught" the movie about internations street kids - about being hungry - soon it'll be cold and hungry - alone, thinking of other people in other countries - Marli and Olympics. Wondering? Am I finally becoming a part of the rest of the world?

Wednesday Sept 28, 1988

7:25
     Huddle House> No, not the Huddle on Main St near the railroad tracks, the new place on the bypass. Thought, on the way down, I should be just a bit diff, get more into the city cafe mood.
     Last Wednesday, I finaly made themove to go see a shrink. The first interview seem to go well. The Doc (Tom) said that there would be a staf meeting in a couple of days and that he would let me knwo when to ocme back. Havent heard a word! Am I not worth the trouble? Is a real let down waiting to get help and still having to wait.
     [Pause, watch the kid cook.] The kid's good! Almost, just as I wrote that, he dropped an omelette fold. Still the kid's good! Maybe, Vietnamese - AmAsian, maybe not. Maybe early teens, maybe late teens. Makes no diff - he's Asian, he moves, he's efficient, He's got potential and he'll make good on anything he wants to. Is his family in the cook business? Is that where he learnt the moves?
     It was mentioned - in passe - about me going to Japan. Will it happen?

Monday Oct 3, 1988

7:40
     Carolina Creme. The Olympics in Seol Korea are over, eneed last Sunday morning about 4 AM. I hadnt made any note of them so that's what I'm doing now. I think they started the day i wene to Hilton Head. Yes, I think so, sortfo remember thinking aobut htem while in the hotel room - surely I watched a bit of them on tv.
     It's cold tonight. Autumn has arrived. Winter isnot far behind. I dread the cold weather. Should I get the kersene burner or that efficent eletric I saw in SciAm?
     Suppose to have gone to the Gravely Rd meeting but I didnt.
     Should be writing a letter to Marli, but I wont. If I really loved Marli, wouldnt I write her more often? If I really loved Marli, wouldnt I leave all behind and go to Brazil?

Wednesday Oct 5, 1988

7:40
     Carolina Creme. Made another visit to Alex's (another carpet clearner system) so there's jsut a faint sense of Chinese culture about this evening and I wanted to make an entry into this journal. His mother is still getting about. He didnt mention the records, so I guess there history now. Will have to get the expensive tapes instead.
     Are cold, hungry, street kids back yet?

Friday Oct 7, 1988

8:00
     Pizza Inn. Pissed off for sure! It was to be a really great feeling to see a letter in print. But you know what "they" did dont you? Sure you do. "They" ripped if off and use it "their" editorial. Just like the other papers did to all my other letters. So now I'm all depressed again. Can not get any recognizition in any form or fashion. But "they" sure know how to use other people's words to get "their" recognition. [interrupt, the waitress jsut talk to me the manager noticed I was here and hadnt seen me in a while. Gave me another beer - for free.]
     I'm glad I started to talk with a psychologist. Maybe he can explain to me why these things happend to me. It was good enough for them to steal the thoughts from the letter, why wasnt it good enought to print with my name? There's this interesting thought I had while driving back from the Clemson Libray: What if most of "their" editorials are not really "theirs"? "They" did it to me, why not others? Maybe all "their" really good observations of world are really "our" observations. Besides, "plagerism is the highest form of literary praise."
     Today's the day Joel died and his youngest son's birthday. I'm pretty sure that Jason called right when i was leaving for Clemson. He asked if Jason was there, so as to find out if I was home. It's so sad that Joel died on his birthday, Jason will think of it on each of his birthdays. Why do things like this happend to us?
     I was to write a letter to Marli tonight to, But it's almost en (EDT) and still I sit here. I guess - pause - I dont know if even we would be jinxed by my bad luck. I dont want anyone else to suffer my bad luck.

Wednesday Oct 12, 1988

7:10
     Carolina Creme. Thought, sortof, like being the hungry street kid tonight. But, bought some nuts and skittles at Revco (along withthe mouth wash) ate them on the way down and still had two donuts here, with coffee. So you know I'll be awake tonight! Sugar and caffinee. Plus the extra weight will show up next week too.
     I had plan to start the "My heart, mind, and spirit I give to you" things. So that's what I will do - right now - while waiting for Randy and Shelia. We are going to see Tom Hanks "BIG".

Sunday Oct 16, 1988

3:25
     Whitewater Falls. On a Sunday Afternoon. It's windy, cold and no sunshine. Either hot or cold, no pleasant warm days. The tourist are out today too, most of them down in the hole by the river I think. Not enough of them visible to equal the number of cars in the lot. Wonder how it is up on Whiteside? It's too late to go up there. Oh my, here come some more adventurous souls to the top of these Falls. So what do I do now? Still cant seemm to run away from home. Still cant stary at my home and o the writing things. All I wont to do is get out and try to live a life of my own. Without thoughts of anyone but myself to take car of. Oh dear, more people, guess it's the college crowd to fill up the top of the falls. Will any of them stop to talk with me. I think not.

Thursday Oct 20, 1988

6:50
     Mazzio's Pizza. Clemson. Took the book, the MindDoctor told me to get, back tonight. Worked late too. Havent been home yet either. Maybe I should have not stopped to eat but I did and I'm going to enjoy it too.
     Copied some mor paper addresses, Germany, Spain, Tawain. Got France or Italys (LeMonde) last week at Greenville Lib. Along with some of the other major papers in this country. So now - What will you do with them?
     I think I will add some words to Marli's letter, now.

Saturday Oct 22, 1988

2:40
     Whiteside. I'm home. Laid out naked in the sun. Walked on to the almost top, there are two guys camping out here. Bet it's really cold at night, but maybe they hug each other to keep warm. Now they're five ladies here too, they just got here. Fantasy about "getting them got." So that's it, I'm here and I dont really know if there is any really change. Since I've been going to the MindDoctor.
     Also Marli, I'm looking South toward Brazil, but I reall cant see you.

Sunday Oct 30, 1988

11:45 EST Really!
     Washington DC. Capital Building. Just spent one and one half hours wandering the Capital Building. It's cool and windy. The next Pres will make his address just over there ---->. Trying to keep in mind that it is 1988.

Sunday Oct 30, 1988

1:00
     the WALL.
     It's the real thing, and I feel little. There's too many people, not enough solitude. I felt more over the moving wall. Perhaps it's the coolness, it was hot, very hot and humid in Nam. I want attract any attention here. Just another face in the crowd. I think I saw a long haired NamVet over next to the three guys. I'm getting colder by the minute even through I'm sitting in the sun. What a bummer this is going to be. Maybe I should jsut look up the names on the list and more on.
Later
     They are just names on Black granite. There's no emotion attached to them. I wish this damn wind would stop blowing. I getting colder. No stops and stares or gently touching a name. Maybe "they" come out at night when "they" are alone with their friends.
     I had hopes and planes of sitting her for hours but that's not to be, not if "they" are not here. Besides, I got to walk about the Whitehouse then leave this place.

Sunday Oct 30, 1988

4:00
     Back of Layfette Park. I see the homeless, laying on the vents, walking with their blankets. While walking around the Whitehouse, I saw across the way, in the Park, people, a small group of people, protesting for Peace -- Give Peace a Chance -- have they always been there? Just a faint sense of dejavu. I wanted to go sit with them for a minute or two, but didnt. My heart and spirit is with them but not my body -- just like before. God, look after the homeless and the peacemakers!

Friday Nov 11, 1988

6:50
     SubWay Easley. Late night at work, on the CADD system even, doing the floor layout thing. The Japanese were there too, but they didnt notice me. No one ever does, unless I'm doing blackmarket work. Anyway - felt like eating out before going home, sortof an older yuppie type thing. Maybe not, do yuppies work late? Only if they do coke, to earn more, to do more coke, to earn more, to do more coke ....
     Veterans day - the Lopes photos are in Clemson, making a big deal out of ??? It's just not right some how. Like the Wall being just another tourist point of interest.
     GO HOME KID!

Friday Nov 18, 1988

7:35
     McDs. Pickens. This week I made effort to go back to Clemson. I made effort to go on the Caribbenean Cruise. Am I making progress? or What?
     My living room wall has a hole in it, like the ones in the bathroom. Made hints on Sunday that I wouldnt be by Tuesday, so I had it made. Monday through Thursday for myself. Even got to go watch Jay at the Punchline. So what happens. Mom calls Dan and Dan calls me. I got so mad I beat on the wall, another hole in the wall.
     But somehow, I'm still managing to think about the cruise -- I've even paid for it too. It's school I'm not sure of --- just too much hassle for too slow progress.

Monday Nov 21, 1988

8:05
     Carolina Creme. Last Week, I made plans to go on a Cruise -- I've even paid for it. Of course that's noted above isnt it. So this week I have to actually do things to make it happen. That's why I'm here, in Easley tonight, looking for a dress coat to wear to dinner on the ship. Looked for a punching bag too - to beat up on when I loose my head again - save holes in the wall. Couldnt find either neither. Except for Belks, but I'm not paying $150 for a coat just to wear one week.
     [[ Wonder what the boy and girl are doing in the back? Fooling around? He has pants with no fly - dont think I've ever seen any like that before. If I did it was a long time ago. He's without any underwear either - his dick, big and long, just hanging down the right side. Has he been playing with it or just thinking about his girl with whom he is keeping company tonight. ]]

Wednesday Nov 23, 1988

8:35
     Carolina Drive-in Grn'vle. Yes, I've stopped here - after all these years. And I'm having the American standard fare - HB, FF, SLW, Coke. I'm even sitting at the counter. Americanism at it's best. Just think, I'm going on a Cruise next week too! Sit and think about that from here. DOnt look back either, something might be gaining on you [the is a fiftys place what survive through to the ninety] Just sit and think about the greet times ahead!

Friday Nov 25, 1988

12:50
     Whitewater Falls. Hello, Mr Whiteside, long time no see. I just had to come up here cause I wanted you to be apart of my next adventure. Guess what, I'm going on a South Carribean Cruise next week. You're my best friend and I just wanted to come here to tell you. Do you think Mr Whitesdie can know too from here? He's a best Friend too, but I dont think I can manage to visit with him. Will you pass along the message please?
     I re-read the "Nature" prose, two and one third year it has stayed there. You know if others have read it and I wish I could know too. But then maybe it's best if I dont know. Just think, next week I'll be at sea, thinking about my nature Friend but for now I'll sit with my Frinds and think about cruising next week.

Saturday Nov 26, 1988

4:05
     Carolina Creme. [[ The kid with the big dick was here just as I came in. He was wearing tight, grey sweat pants, showing off his fore to his girl and any who noticed. But he left, didnt want me to stare I guess. Does my interest show as obvious as his dick? ]] What an opener!
     Thirteen hours from now, I will be dragging myself out of bed to get ready to leave. I'm so close to tripping, I'm not really sure it's really happening. Maybe it's a sign of ZERO EMOTION. I've hurt so much this Summer, I dont want to feel anything ever again!
     So what, I'm here -- Car Crem -- cause of the "streets of Amsterdam" thing. Remember "Caught", world traveling street kids. Well It's cause I'm going to do some traveling, in far away places and I wanted to make the connection with this place.