Thursday Sep 19, 1985
10:00 PM
I'm thnking about it, writing a journal again, that is.
Sunday sep 22, 1985
10:00 PM
It's been difficult to get started. Went up to Whitewater Falls yesterday to write, but didn't. Thought about writing after the movie Friday, but didn't. I guess I want to write so much I don't want to start. Too much work getting my thoughts on paper. And I want what I write to be special too. There's so much to say. Fall '85 has arrived: Happy Fall!
Monday Sep 23, 1985
9:00 PM
Kenny, Iwrin's Auto Parts salesman, he ran into the back of a car stopped to make a left turn into Porter Mobil Station. It happened this morning. I saw it on the way to work. He was only bruised up bad, thank God. Went over to Iwrin's at lunch time and asked about him. Last Saturday night, Randy and I rode his new Honda Golden Wing down to Easley to see a movie, "My Science Project". On the way back I thought about what was the best thing to do in case of a spill, curl up in a ball and roll or stay with the bike or try to run or what. Thought about that kid up in VaBeach, him caught between the curb and a big truck and saying 'he's glad he finally laid one down and got it over with.' I guess the dreading is always worst than the real thing. And last Monday, Steve died from an accident. Lady pulled out in front of him. He's Sandy's boy. She use to work at the Feedroom. Too much motorbike coincidence, does it mean anything? It was a bad weekend all over the state too, 14 dead in auto related accidents.
I want to quit smoking and start exercising so bad, it's depression. I want to be healthy and work up a body like Glenn B., Walt and all the other handsome young men. I told myself at Whitewater Falls Saturday, no smoke at home, no smoking at work, only at Mom's house and seldom visited places. Instead I went ahead and smoked like usual.
Was suppose to walk up and down the driveway after work today, isntead I sit around and read Reader's Digest and smoked a cig.
I want to write, I want to play guitar, I want to help street kids, I want to travel, I want to be free!
Thursday Sep 26, 1985
9:30 PM
I suppose I'm making some progress, smoked only 10 cigs today, walked up and down my driveway several times a couple of days, lift a few weights too. Planning on goiong to watch the Clemson Players tomorrow night. I wish someone down there would respond about my script. It is really a bad mood not knowing. But that seems to be my life, never knowing if I've done good or bad, making progress or falling back.
Friday Sep 27, 1985
11:15 PM
Remember that thought I had about wanting almost anyone, male or female, just touch me, massage me. It was when Marty was here. Well tonight I went to watch the Clemson players |Fifth of July|. At intermission this kid in red & white stripped shirt, average non-attractive face, tried hustling me to go with him, 'Room B326, You will come. Please.' He was still waiting after the play. He followed me to the jeep even though I ignored him. 'You going to come and party. It'll be just you and me. I'm good, really good, I can pull 100 bucks a shot in New York city. Dont you like this sort of stuff?' 'Go find someone your own age to play with. I'm to old for that sort of thing.' He reached and started stroking my dick (through my pants), and when he realized I meant NO, he tried squeezing for pain. Went away mad.
This isn't the first time some sort of thought - happening has made a connection. How can I determine if it is not coincidence? Is there something that makes thoughts happen?
I wonder.
Robbie told me about men hustling him, other people too. What is it that gays are coming on to me at this age? Why couldn't it be young women that I attract?
Sunday Sep 29, 1985
9:30 PM
Went down to Clemson Saturday. Walked around the stadium a couple of times. They were playing Georgia Tec, they (Clemson) lost. There were lots of people outside. More than I thought would be. People party in RVs too. Just to be near the action is as good as being inside. Watched a hot air ballon float over. Couldn't pick up on any moods. I wonder if repeats, would help get in the groove?
Thirty year ago James Dean was spending his last night in this life.
Tuesday Oct 1, 1985
2:10 PM
Back in the air again. I'll pay Willy his royalities on the ripoff sooner or later. It's really interesting how such a simple few words can make a man rich. Doesn't mean much, could mean everything. Or is it the story connected with the words? Lyrics and msuic about lyrics and music.
Anyway, back in the air again. This time on the way to Bringhamton NY via Pittsburg. Business. The only times I fly now is when the company's paying. Sometimes I really miss it. But ther's somethng diff about them. Before it use to be Fly off somewhere for an extended stay. These short temporary trips, it's nothing but a ride between points. It's the small touch of adventure that's gone. Maybe the magic is wearing thin after twenty years of being around airplanes.
They seem faster now too. Ten minutes till Pittsburg, one hour fly time. Short highs, just like being burnt out.
4:00 PM
Somewhere between Pittsburg & Binghamton. Pittsburg Airport had that old airport look, like Atlanta use to. Don't know what to make off the people. I know they're like me, just another body head some where. But the humanity is still floating around those places. Always has been and always will be. I wonder if that feling should be connected -- there's always that sense of thinking I'm better off than everybody else. I have more right to be here then them. Or are my signals crossed -- they really have the right-of-way?
Being in airports and other places -- what it is, is being around people on the move, goint to exciting places, the fun things -- and me -- just getting from one point to another -- once every two years. My Imagination running free again. Making everything and everybody bigger than life.
Up and down, one more time/Just like burnt out minds.
Thursday Oct 4, 1985
9:40 PM
Should have been home by now; and we're just now rollig out ot wait in the takeoff line up. Remember listen to all those tales about NY air traffic and bad weather, Well, it's my first time in Ny air traffic and it's happened to me. Did the circle bit for an hour, 5:30 to 6:30; did the shuttle bus from shuttle termanial to main LGA terminal; did the run around trying to find out what happened to the EA651 flight schedule - was toleave at 6:35, it was then 7:00; did the NY taxi ride from LGA to JFK, it was 8:00 then; did the check in and wait bit; did the get on board and wait bit, 9:30 then; so now in stop and go air taxi traffic; sitting on the end of the runway, 10:30; at last, in the air again! Yep, everything that I've heard about NY air traffic tales cam true tonight. It's been a real adventure.
The meetings, dinners, and Binghamton been right interesting too. Got to see where the flight simulator I saw at Carnaval in '72 was designed and made, saw one of the first Link trainers (blue bos they called it) too. Saw how the big division people host a meeting, nice lunches, in house, and one evening dinner at 'Number5' high class resturant. The band "Trix" was like a local NY band should be - really good -- the kid has an extended voice range and happy eyes and expressions. That song he sang with range -- "Second Wind".
Friday Oct 5, 1985
12:00 Midnight
Watched "St Elmo's Fire" tonight at the Colony. Seven friends, three girls four boys, passing from adolesence into young professionals. It's an A+ movie. Had a scene from "Those were the Days" song -- looking in through the bar windows. Had a yound lonely writer in it too. WFBC played the love theme from the movie as I drove back to Pickens. Another one of them conincidence?
Oh dear, some time betwixt and between leaving the Feedroom and arriving at the Colony, I imagine a circumstance by which I would get the wrong ticket stub. (I would mistakely say 'Black Cauldron' instead of 'Sta Elmo's'. I just look at the ticket stub -- it's 'Black Cauldron'. Why dear God! Why do these things happend to me?
12:15
Just tried calling the Quality Inn in Binghamton to talk with one of the "TRIX" members. They left Thursday night - "Stepping Out' was there tonight.
Saturday Oct 6, 1985
1:30 PM
Mazzio's Clemson. The hamburger places were crowded so it's dine here. This is the place with all the old pictures. Students from long ago, cira 1880 - 1930. It was the pictures and movie "Long Gray Line" what wrote "Mystic Climson Twine" last October.
Thought - Happing - Connection, T-H-C. What is the difference between sensing the future events and causing them to happen? Is it the same as the difference between Recieving and Transmitting thoghts?
Remember the one several weeks ago - I got to thinking that I haven't check my stash since Marty left (Still havent). Within a few minutes he called.
And the time I played Robbie's old tape and three days later getting a letter from him.
What would be a good solid test? Force a response from Clemson Players about "Conversion", or good response to the Link trip, how about an stupendously, great, fabulous million-fold improvement in my attitude about myself, the way others perceive me, and doing all the things I want to do but always convince myself I'll never be like the happy people.
Tuesday Oct 8 1985
9:30 PM
went with Randy to watch "Invasion USA" move at Foothill cinema, one of them blood and guts, shoot 'em up. At last their was some simbleace of justice in the payback. How do you deal with cold bloody terriost - evil evil evil. Seeing the badies get theirs was satisfing, I was actually talking aloud - 'Dont just stand there - blow them away, like they did to all those innocent people.'
Randy asked about "St Elmo's" - he mentioned riding his scooter in the school halls - remembe wondering who it was that told me about that a couple days ago, another T-H-C?
Not making any progress on smoking - 12 cigs at work today - weak willed wimp!
Monday Oct 14, 1985
9:00 PM
Well what have I been up to? It seems I still wait for the right writing mood, that's why it's been eight days since I wrote any. Excuse - It's too late after goig to the movies Monday and Wednesday. Excuse - I dont feel like it after sttting at Mom's house. Oh well. What's past is past and can't be re-done. At least with out a time machine.
Saw 'Loose Screws' tonight. Typical young starving actor and actress skin flick.
Last Saturday ws nice. Hung out around the stadium during Clemson's homecoming game. Sat on the curb, north stands a while, walked around once, picket fence hand drag. Felt like someone with binocolars was checking me out from the Nort ramp - 'He looks like John Lennon'. I wonder? Went back down to Clemson Saturday night and watch the 'Sting' concert. It really felt good that the kids still like concerts, Dancing in the seats and asiles. It was an interesting view from the back - looking throught the 'veil' watching their magic work.
Friday night it was 'Remo Williams' at the Colony. C class martial arts, adult ripoff of 'Karate Kid' and 'Indy Joens'
Friday Oct 18, 1985
10:25 PM
Practiced a little {very little} on guitar chords this week. Just got back from Randy's, we watched TV.
Think I've finished 'Mystery Lover' last night. Typed it up at work and gave it to Debbie. She said she 'loved it. It's the best one so far.' It feels good to be cheered on. Too bad I still cant help feeling a little liek she's just being nice. 'Mystery Lover' is the one I thought about putting in the News.
Remember the moods I had when I got out of the navy and first moved into my house? Those moods of hearing cars drive by, car horns in the distance, kids cruising around and thoughts of these same sounds and cruising many years ago. Rocky Bottom with Dennis in '73 or so and David's garage.
They're fading away now.
Saturday Oct 19, 1985
5:00 PM
Washed, waxed & armouralled the jeep today. Took three hours non-stop work. Was hoping to finish early so I could go watch the Tawain group at Clemson, but with washing clothes and getting a hole plugged in one of the jeep tires dont know if I can make it now.
Harold said he dreams of flying - some of us were talking of dreams and nightmares last night. I thought of the times I floated, but didnt think of saying I also dreamed of flying - fact is I had one of those dreams Thrusday night Something akin to a T-H-C
10:00 PM
Main Street Pickens.
Main Street car wash / Old Pic movie house / Eighteen year cars / some rolling west / rest rolling east / hippie vans, street vans / no upper class vans / model T roadsters / fifty five BelAirs / mustang muscle maching / slick sexy carmeos
11:30 PM
Just listen to Chuck Berry's Londen concert '72. Called WSBF Clemson to find that out. It must have been the orginal length version.
Why want anhone ask me for my opinion, advice, help? Why cant I get in wtiht the kids? {Why? What would you teach the kids? how to do drugs?} What's wrong with that? If they're going to do drugs anyway, might be better to teach them how NOT to get hooked. Are they really any street kids in Pickens? Could I really help them some how?
Wednesday Oct 23, 1985
8:30 PM
No movies this week, they did not change 'em. Went to Randy's Monday night and watched 'Magriver', TV's answer to "Indy Jones". Movies are getting really bad, I mean good movies are few and far between. I'm having to go watch 'horror' and 'blood & guts' type because the industry just isn't releasing any new ones. They really messed up this year; let all the movies out at the first of summer and it's been re-runs ever since.
Some thoughts on this terrorism thing.
When it's all boiled down to the gooie truth, they are a bunch of mad men who kill and teroize for the sake of killing and terrorizing. It's jsut like the old Indian (Asian) assassins: "Kill for the sake of killing, Kill! Kill! Kill!"
Yeah they quote their retioric about jhad and political causes and they will continue to do so as long as they believe we believe their reasons. They are so lost in their own lies that they say "we oly hate your government (usa), we have nothing against the american people" And then theykill the americans. They are so stupid and dumb to think we {civilized people around the world} cant see what's really going on.
And this thing about the jhads, it's worse thant the crusades. Sometimes I wonder if they are paying christaindom back for the crusades. They send thier children off to die with the belief of sure entry to heave. The Alattocas must be blinded by their hatred of everything non-Islamic, they kill their children and their future with them. I pity those 'religious elders' when they stand before God come judgement day.
I think the poseers that be should change the way they fight wars. IF 'leaders' decide their people should kill each other, the 'leaders' are the first to be killed.
Friday Oct 25, 1985
8:15 PM
Some time this afternoon I decided to eat pizza from Hobo's and drink beer. Had a head and chest cold all week and thought I would finish it off this way. I guess between end of work and getting to Hobo's, I had the thought chain - I wont be at the Feedroom, Randy will call there wanting to go out, he'll then call home. The phone rang while I was eating my pizza and drinking my beer - I didnt answer it but I knew it was another T-H-C taking place. He'll call at work Monday wanting to know where I was tonight.
There was a crazy lady on NPR tonight who thought that what she thought came to be in reality. She's not crazy now, but she was. Am I?
Wednesday Oct 30, 1985
9:20 PM
Went to see American Ninja tonight. The kid was raised by world war Two japanese soliders. He taught the kid. Grew up to be a loner with super talents.
I think I'm beginning to like some of these violent movies - just those where the bad guys get what they deserve for their evil deeds
Had another T-H-C tonight. It was drizzling all day and evening. On the way to the movie I thought about the song 'Rainy Nights'. WFBC played it on the way back to Pickens. It started when I had this thought (question) about when, if at all, is it right to kill the evil people in this world? More directly kill in the name of God.
The old testament reads, "a time for peace and a time for war." one of the commandment reads, "thoug shall not kill" which has presidence?
Saturday, I spent all day washing my room - walls, floor, furniture. First really serous cleaning in seven years.
Gave away one thousand two hundred dollars today.
Monday Nov 4, 1985
1:20 PM
Last night on "Life Styles of the Rich & Famous" they did a segment on Lenningrad, USSR. Andy Williams was touring the crown city of Russia. Several nights during winter, the sun never sets either in Lenningrad or somewhere north of there. The people stay up and celebrate all 'night?' Anyway they had a film clip of the young people (teens & twenty) standig near a harbor landing, playing two guitars, loitering, etc. Oh, the song -- it was 'I want to hold your hand' by the Beatles. Alittle bit of the magic lingers in restricted places.
Tuesday Nov 5, 1985
9:35 PM
BLACK FRIDAY, that's what it was last Friday. Woke up about 3:00 AM feeling sick, by 4:00 oclock I was sick. Spent the rest of the night throwing up and having runny bowel movements. Drink a little water and throw it back up later. Lay awake feeling bad. Didn't get out of the house till one or so, went up to the Feedroom had some orange juice and egg sandwich. That seem to stay down -- till five thirty. Bathed and went back to the Feedroom and had some soup and a burger to go -- dont know why, my appitite wasnt bak yet.
Got ripped off at the Blue Ridge -- they charged me for a large juice even though I told them it was marked wrong. Last time I do buisness with them.
Anyway, Saturday morning -- after another restless night -- was better. Took till monday morning to get over Black Friday. Just felt bad Sat, Sun mostly because being out of work Friday threw my routine off.
Silence is golden -- It's been five days now.
Tuesday Nov 12, 1985
9:45 PM
Read a letter in the paper this morning. He wrote about legalizing drugs to take them out of organize crime, to cut the crime related to high cost of illegal drugs. One of those seldom heard voices of reason crying from the wilderness. Doesn't he know people around here are more concerned about those big bad billboards?
Twelve days tonight.
Wednesday Nov 13, 1985
9:25 PM
Refer Sept 23, '85. Randy's new motorcycle ride to Easley! Learnt tonight Randy wreaked his new bike - man in truck pulled out in front of him at the blinker light on 183. Randy almost made it in front of him, but didn't. He has his neck in a brace -- 3rd disc shifted 3mm or cracked, doctors don't know which. Nothing broken just over stressed cardalage 7 tendon. Thank you God for not letting it be worse!
Randy told me some few days after Steve died that he sort of felt guilty, because he rode his new bike out to Steve's -- some relation with Sheliz - felt he got Steve back into riding. -- And the thought about what I would do if we spilled. Is all this some sort of T-H-C?
I have been going by Randy's ever since Friday night. Two & three & more times a day Saturday 7 Sunday & Monday night. But he was never there. saw Shelia's car there Monday night but didn't stop - didn't want to butt in. He was in the hospital til Tuesday afternoon.
Friday Nov 15, 1985
11:30 PM
Saw Chubby Checker perform tonight at Textile Hall. Another big name ledgend I got to see inperson = after the real time action, years after. I guess there's only two of the orginals left in the group -- Chubby and the sax player. All the others were to young and whit. {{I wonder if he's 'owned' by someone and he really wants to call it quits?}} Hung around one of the back doors most of the time and left of backstage. After he finished he came walking out the back wasy, in a robe, carrying his boots, the sax man following, a young guy leading. He looked somewhat embarrassed, maybe tired of it all look in his eyes.
Couldn't even get really into the mood, just a slight sense of the celebration of life. Can't decide if it just wasn't there, or I've lost the touch. --- No poem to capture the event.
Saw Tony, Jay & Bill -- maybe it's the old faces what were missing -- Dick Barkley was there.
Anyway, the event's over now and it was worth the effort. So here I sit on the courthouse steps writing these thoughts down.
Wayne & Janis gave me the tickets -- Thanks.
Received a solicition for my novellete, it is from Vantage Press. Next they'll want money to publish & advertise it; probably a few thousand. They got my name from the copyright thing.
It's a really nice evening out tonight, cool, not cold, still, cloudy, humid. Very comfortable for being out. A nice mild Fall night. I dont think anyone knows I'm here.
Fifteen days and counting.
Saturday Nov 23, 1985
3:30 PM
Up at Whitewater Falls for the Clemson - Carolina game. Sat up at the top and frozen my butt sitting on that cold rock and having that cold mist blown in my face. There were four guys come down the other side and met four coming up from the ridge on the way out. Didn't drink much -- didn't smoke any, just a bland type bummer of a trip.
Remember thinking about meeting a lady and getting married at the Falls -- when I got back to the parking area, a couple had gotten married at the new overlook. What does it mean? another T-H-C? Why is the game a week before Thanksgiving instead of the Saturday after?
Last sunday night Steve, the kid who bussed tables & cooked pizza get caught in hobes, Mr D said he had been missing money from the cash box - he seems to be loosing a lot of stuff? Thought he was suppose to be a good kid. He's the one I gave a copy of the short autobiograhp too. Have I messed up and been a bad influence on him?
There seems to be a lot of people I know getting hurt this year. What's going down?
10:15 PM
Main Street Courthouse. The cold air continues but it's nightime now, in the Fall, it's suppose to be cold. The song says, "Thank the Lord for the nightime," so why not, it's another way of celebrating life.
What kind of music words are there drifting through the night air? Laughing voices of boys standing on the street corner, car voices more than in the past for a Saturday night. And who were all those kids in front of my hangout last night? Were they waiting for a repeat of the Chubby Cheeker Friday night? They all pass me by, no notice of the strange man sitting on courthouse steps.
The kids in cruising armour will be here tomorrow night. It's always The Kids, The Kids, The Kids. Why wasnt I The Kid when I was a kid?
How will I even know if I'm doing good or bad? While there's time to make needed corrections?
Saturday Nov 30, 1985
8:00 PM
It's been a week since I last wrote. Still waiting for the moods to be right to write. Ther's been a few things I've could have written about during the week, -- but didnt for one reason or another. it's been a hard week at work. This program to do involute and trochoid curves has been plauged with problems. And it's beem most difficult to try and find them all. I finally got it working at quiting time Wednesday and now I have to wait till Monday to finish it up. It has been one of those problems which I've thought about in the evenings and dream about too.
Monday night I went to see 'Commando' at the Colony.
Wednesday night I went to see "Starchaser' at the Foothills Mall, but didnt, they've started to change movies on Tuesdays now.
Got to meet Randy's missonary sister. She must have an interesting life in SW Africa. Today she cleaned Randy's apartment and asked us how to move a twelve ton boat in a dried up lake. Just like the sterotyupe image of African bush life. The other night she showed me some of the print fabric and burnt wood artwork from the natives.
My mind still wanders - cant seem to control it any more. Spend more time contemplating the images and moods of what I want to write - and less time actually writing. The process of moving from thoughts to words is to damn ellusive. Part of my problem is that the loneliness is making a comeback. When will I even find a mate? All I do is sit and think -- never do. I dream of great it would be to have a dozen street kids to care for; but I dont do anything to start down that road. I still want to play the guitar but I never practice; it's too late to start that, that's for young bucks.
Heard twenty-four minutes of sounds from New York City on National Public Radio -- All Things Considered hat it. It was nice the way they romantisized the dreadnaught of civilized life. There's two things you dont do in New York at night -- go into Central Park and ride the subways.
Then again there's that next little beam of hope -- a two and half year old calls the operator when her sitter falls down the stars and wont wake up.
9:00 PM
Courthouse steps again. It's foggy tonight. Last day of November '85, and it's foggy. Tomorrow's December, suppose to be Christmas time - holiday season. And it's going to feel like it come Tuedsay - weatherwise anyway - cold weather is on the way. Feels like it may get here sooner. It's the chill in the air what's making the fog. Fog and lights - street lights, carlights, breathing misty air. Listento the motors talk, and weels rool, if you listen carefully - between the other sounds - you can hear feet walk.
Strange how the loneliness doesnt seem so strong at times like now. Is it just because I can see and hear others traveling by? Going places with others or to be with others to disspell their own loneliness? Is this as close to life as I can get? Watching others live?
It is my mini book that bothers me too. Randy hasnt finished it yet, and it's not that long. It doesnt hold his interest. Who would buy it even if I paid ot have it published? Yeah - jsut who could be interested in what I have to say? The news wont publish what I write. And no one ever asks for my thoughts on any subject. Hell, they dont even say hi. For all the good I've ever done - I'd just as well turn into torpedo smoke and up and fad away.
Sounds like a couple of wolves out down the way.
Three empty stores -- will it get worse? will Main Street Pickens be like Easley in mid seventies? Deserted? An empty life like my own?
9:45 PM
The traffic picking up and I'm getting wetter. The kids are coming out too - I can hear them shoutting somewhere off in the distance. My patience is wearing thin, jsut when it might be interesting to hang around a while longer. -- It happens like this all the time -- I leave when they start to play.
9:45 PM
Before I give in and go -- tonight is the Thirtith day.
Saturday Dec 7, 1985
9:10 PM
What is it when you keep a diary but only write in it once a week? A seventh day diary, weekly writer, odd time periodatical? Anyway, seve more days of my life has passed by and still I wonder why? What have I accomplished this week to make it worth the trouble of living? I'm still lonely, no mate to share my problems with.
Spent some time with Randy this week, to help him not be lonely, played a gam of chess, watch his TV, shared pizza with him and Shelia.
It's turned cold too. Mid twenties in the mornings and forties in the evenings. At least it's cleared off.
Saw Halley's Comet Tuesday night. Can you imagine that? Something what happens once every seventy- six years and I got to see it.
Where must I go, what must I do, to meet people? T've tried going to church, I've been to bars and clubs. I've hung out at gathering places. Alone I went to all those places. Alone I left them behind. I dont have the looks or talk or habits. Like the words from Master Piece Theater of '50s. "Whatever they look for in men (friends) I aint got."
I hope Randy and Shelia make a good pair. God please let them be happy together.
God, ....
My mind is wandering so I guess it's time to move along.
Wednesday Dec 11, 1985
11:15 AM
It's mini vacation time. Out washing clothes now. Take a week off for vacation and one of the high points is wasing clothes. Really Great Time Huh? Anyway, at least I spent time up at the Falls yesterday. A few people still go there during Witer and non-weekend days too. Pick u some of the trash left over from the Summer and took a couple of pictures for a group. Sunny yesterday and drizzly today.
I wonder what exciting things I can get into during the rest of the week?
Thursday Dec 12, 1985
11:15 AM
Jerry, jsut what is your problem?
So you're stay at Ramada. So you're walking around Clemson University. What does it do for you? Huh? Have you met anyone? Have you even talked with anyone? You like the atmosphere and people, but you dont like the loneliness, do you? Why do you torture yourself with your own emotions. You're tring to live off other people's good times, that's it! Thinking of their fun, wishing it your own. You like being around your boys and girls - for your own selfish reasons. Watching them chase balls, run and play. Strutting their youth for all to see. Just like the words your wrote last night.
Maiden, framed by window / in circular stairwell tower, / gazing down upon / modern day jousting Knights // History framed for others, / in Mazzio's old picture place, / gazing through windows / studing faces of past Knights.
Even in the young long dead, you search for others' good times.
==========================
I like this place north of north stands. Most any open place where I dont have to get too close to the others. I dont like those closed in places. Their eyes checking me out. Troubling my mind with thoughts of what they think. It's so much safer to watch them from where they cant watch me. Let them come to and go from the athletic rec center -- old Fike's Hall. Let them jog their way around campus. I no longer care that I didnt do those things.
3:00 PM
And How much of it is the fact that they will have a degree and you still wont have one? You're jealous too!
Not all -- They're some dropouts, just like me, besides I've got a better precollege education than the post ED some of them will have. I'm a product of the sixtes.
YOU'RE COURIOUS TOO -- YOU'D GIVE ANYTHING TO KNOW WHAT THEY THINK OF YOU!
WHAT THEY THINK IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS HOW I WANT TO FEEL.
BESIDES, IT'S STUPID FOR YOU TO SIT OUT IN THE RAIN WRITING THESE CRAZY WORDS!
I'LL AGREE WITH THAT.
10:30 PM
It's nightime now, what kind of night time images can I find tonight. Picking up, where I left off, being rudely interrupted by drizzling rain, sitting on park bench between Tillman, Sikes and Clemson House. Orange lights in all the windows. A pleasant sight for pleasant coolness hanging in the air. Not cold at all, but soon will be.
There's more closeness with the people here, in the middle of it all. It's the darkness which keeps me safe from quesitive eyes. I'm just a shadow from the past for them. Shadows of the past, yes, the soul of Clemson U is making it's presents known. History lurks in these nightime images, but a modern history - not as ancient as it ws once before. The seventy and eighties are a par to of it now. That's what I feel.
{{Joggers -- dont they ever quit?}}
Then again maybe it's my own bit of history I sense. Eighteen year ago -- doesnt that qualify for being history? Old enough to be their father - I ws her before they were born, I was.
And some of them experienced things, you have yet to experience? That's what really hurts!
Magic's gone since those two started hanging around the jeep. Guess I might as well go get it over with.
Friday Dec 13, 1985
6:00 PM
There's this one thing Ishould write. Not that it's particulary special but it felt good when I wrote it in the letter to Vantage Publications. It goes somethng like this:
Q. Are there any other comments or information you think we should know?
A. Always carry pen and paper. Write a bit here, a piece there. Write down every thought. Record every emotion. Even though there is no one to talk with, there's always pen and paper to listen to your felings. And when you're dead and gone, somewhere there remains the paper with your deepest thoughts and heart felt emotions.
You know what. The thing with Clemson these past two nights, it's something akin with Whitewater Falls. Know what I mean? When I first went to Whitewater, the magic's getting a little old now, or it is because I didnt go as much this year as last. Anyway it's the newness.
I know they both revolved around youth, but they seems to be something else there too!
{{What do they think of me? One day this summe, at Whitewater, a boy and his girl talked with me a little. He was from up North, Penn State, he comes down regularly and he remembered me from last year too. Said I hung around there a lot. They thought I maybe had lost a friend downthe Falls and that was why I hung out there. That's what they thought of me.}}
Saturday Dec 14, 1985
1:20 PM
McDonalds. Some off the McDs are high schooler's hang outs.
Mile Creek, late '75 just out of navy, another kid of gathering place. And what aobut Study Hall, Nick's & Sloan Str in Clemson these last ten years.
{{Ah Ha! A very interesting thought. The 'Alumni' of Clemson, they're only there for four years. But me, I've been there for -- for how long? Twenty-six, twenty-two, eightteen or ten years. YES, this is very improtant. More like a teachter than a student. I've seen the changes!}}
Friday Dec 20, 1985
10:30 PM
Thought - felt like - I should write something sicne the holidays have begun.
Saturday Dec 21, 1985
8:00 PM
Alone again. The longest night, this first day of Winter. Half moon and freezing cold. Just finished listenig to Praire Home Companion, eating a cool small pizza, drinking gatorade. What else can I do to comoplete this dreadfully, dreary, lonesome scence?
8:30 PM
Well I guess I could go and sit on the Courthouse steps - twenty-five degrees and like a street person. I could sit out in the cold. {{You know you're nothing like a homeless street kid -- yuo're stomach's too full, you've got too many clothes - long underwear even, and worst of all, you've got a warm house to got ot when you cant take the cold any more. and a jeep to take you there. You're nothing like a street kid. You're nothing but a zealous Pharisses with all their fake piety.}}
Why do the street lights go on & off? Does it mean anything as to what I just thuoght?
I hear a mover (car) crankig up. They msut have jsut came from the pool room I remember those cold nights, sitting in Jack's old place, getting high, thnking of the cold outside. I remember lots of cold nights. How about New Years Eve in VaB, behind Janus Plaze or on the streets in DC or the Beach in VaB. I've been cold before. {{You've always had a place to go too.}}
Oh yes! I was to thnk of the happenig at other places while here. the bowl games, Clemson's playing now and Furman lost theirs. The Furman fans msut feel a long, long way from home now. The streets of NYC, Bing, DC. And Texas, what is suppose to be in Texas?
Hi! Chuck & Rose & Matt & Shana -- I've thought about you all tonight.
Surely there's no one at Whitewater tonight.
That's interesting, a scent of old time Pickens is in the air -- buringin wood for heat, can you see the smoke from the home's in town, maybe a store or two:
My toes are feeling the cold, cheeks & nose too. The pen's been freezing up too -- see what I mean?
I guess it's time to END my make believe piety and go on home. God, please look after the real street people. Show them the way to warm shelters and food. Please let the warmth return tomorrow, for thier sakes. Please dont let any of them suffer through the cold nights, let the right people find them and take them to a warm shelter. Amen.
Sunday Dec 22, 1985
11:00 PM
Watch Charles Dickenson's "A Christmas Carol" on TV tonight. The new one with George Scott, not the movie "Scrooge" I wondered which ismore true to the novel? I remember one which had Scrooge falling into hell with scenes of his 'chain' being worked on. The movie Scrooge had a falling scene in it but didnt have the other scenes. Were they cut fro TV or is there another version out there somewhere?
Took Butch to the airport today. Flyling to alifornia to see his folks - first time in 18 years. PI looking for him, why?
Ate lunch at Aunt Lees. It's Susan's birthday today. Happy birthday Susan!
There're still a few kids up on Main Street tonight.
Monday Dec 23, 1985
1:00 PM
Quadrangle, Clemson U. Two days before Christmas. God this place is dreadfully quiet. Are there any one left in the infamous Tin Cans? Or has everyone abandoned ship? Surely there's one lonesome soul wandering these halls. There's always at least one who's too far from home, or maybe jsut no home to go back to. {A far easterner jsut walked across, probably not from Johnston Hall but he's here.} Remember the bland concrete square where ROTC formed up to march to the fields. Shuld have been a true radical and dropped that military garbage. Remember watching the moon set and sun set from here, those were the good times, the reflective times. {Just heard a tin can being rolled on concrete by the wind. There's nothng as lonesome as the sound.} Another lonely sould walked by, he's mid east ifnot american. They must be going to the post office, what other reason is there to be on this end of campus? This time a third, a definite mid easterner.
Why did I ocme down here? Oh yes, to pick up on what it's like to be alone during Christmas. I've never missed a Christmas at home, thirty-six of them this year. But my brothers know what it's like to be away, with their friends during the holidays. So have a lot of others - but not me, always hanging around home. Sometimes I thnk that is more lonely than being alone. If it were just me, I'd be able to handle it. Go somewhere wehr other singles go on holidays.
{Just for the record, I had a cig the other week when I was at Ramada's, and another up in Burlington, that's three in fifty-three days.}
I wonder what's it's going to be like after the bombs fall? What few survirors might be scattered cities apart. Maybe one, wandering Clemson campus, remembering how they use to be others here. {{That can is still rolling around. and a door opens and closes more frequently.}} I see movement through dining hall windows. Could there really be more here than I want to imagine?
Where would I be if I had taken a slightly different path those 18 year ago? IF I had lived on campus instead of commute? What different adventures would have I had?
Moved over to the 'bench' to see if there anything new with that perspective of campus. It's windy on the hillside, might as well move along. Cant do notheing but daydream now.
Tuesday Dec 24, 1985
12:15 AM
Merry Christmas Eve world. It's the day before Christmas. Went to see 'Santa Claus the Movie' at Wade Hampton Mall. It was a neat modern new ledgend. See you all later today.
10:45 PM
Courthouse steps on Christmas Eve night. People in Pool Room Bar spending eve with their friends. Traffic rolling by, going to or coming from grandma's house this eve. Cool (cold) and windy. Where are the street people tongith. Maybe (hopefully) even they gather together to celebrate this special night; sharing what little they have. Havent been out here three minutes, Dear God, how do they stand it all night.
A lady washing clothes, a kid on a bike, I saw them tonight.
Firecrackers sounding in the distance. Do they know why, really know why?
The wind blows so, even the flag pole quivers.
I guess the magic, the Christmas magic, is still around. It's hard to see through these middle age eyes. Is that really the only difference, between what was and is?
The words have been spoken so many times before, but their meaning is no weaker. It is from deep within that I speak them once more, Go please let it be, "Peace on Earth and goodwill among us all."
Merry Christmas to all the world!
Wednesday Dec 25, 1985
9:45 PM
Typcial Christmas, (family?wise). Except I didnt have sausage and egss together. Lee came up lunchtime, had to go over to Elbert & Chrit's, went down to DM's this afternoon, the Hayeses got together.
I felt so alone, my cosins with their family -- problems and all -- I wondered if Dad ever felt like that? All alone?
It's suppose to be really cold tonight -- single digits. God I hope it dont last long, just this one night.
While I'm 'God hoping', I hope the He gets my head and mind straightened out soon too.
It's the 'twixt and 'tween days now, what will happen this year?
Friday, Dec 27, 1985
10:20 PM
Courthouse steps again. Saw the Full Moon as I left my house to go eat supper at the Feedroom. Realized that this is the last weekend of '85 and a Full Moon and the 'twixt and 'tween days, so thought I should at least write this down to note what's happening. It's not as cold as it has been, 9 & 32 all day Thursday, 15 this morning. Must just be in the 40 now. There are moon lite clouds, puffy clouds out to night, the weatherman says it's to sleet & snow tomorrow night. The clouds certainly are moving East.
Guess I'll sit here a bit, and enjoy the Zen of this night.
Saturday Dec 28, 1985
9:30 PM
The last Saturday night of '85 and still I sit on Courthouse steps. {Dick Barkley's having his early New Year's Eve party on the Radio} I wonder what it was like to be on the streets of Pickens in the fifties, listening to Jerry Lee or Buddy Holly or Chuck Berry? There's three night left, it's going to end on a Tuesday night, Tuesday child, Mercury's Fleetness of winged foot.
Jerry Lee, Black T models / Courthouse yard with trees and benches / Filling station long since empty / Different names on old, old buildings / Yet some will never change / Wooden city police shack only in memory now / Faces and names and people missing.
Now it's small frame of Boys / in big Pickens trucks. / Long hair girls / in sllick white cruising cars. / Ages I once thought old / now seem young. / Once a mind / occupied thoughts of greener grasses, / Now a mind / puzzled thoughts of burnt out dreams. / Now chasing modern fields.
Monday Dec 30, 1985
7:15 PM
I've made it to day sixty and still only three, pretty good, huh?
Twenty-eight and one half hours left in eighty-five. Does it, is it really important to count down the time? Heard Tony talking on the phone, he was trying to line up some actin for NY Eve. Why cant I get something lined up? {{You did last time, stupid. Least it was done for you. Remember the posted sign and you went? Remember how it all went down? Remember, Tommy died that night}} Maybe I can find another party to crash this year.
Tuesday Dec 31, 1985
9:50 PM
Where else would I be but sitting on courthouse steps. I did think about going to Clemson and sit on the Quad, but the ride didnt appeal to me. It's infactuation with the idea anyway. Beside my mind can travel like it's always traveled and I can be there just the same. It's been raining all day and now the temperature is falling so it is really foggy out tonight. I'm glad too, foggy night and foggy thoughts go together. There didnt seem to be all that many travelers out when I was ridign around, but when you sit in one place and let them do the moving you see a lot more.
What's it going to be like these last two hours, I feel like I want to go, to move about, but where? The last seven or eight years I've spent at my house, my home, alone, usually sleepig it out and in. Why shuold this be any different? Sure there parties, all kinds of parties, alll kinds of church gathers, all over the world tonight -- there's also people alone too. I wonder if that's what I miss, I use to be good at imagining I ws part of all the world partys on special occasions. But it jsut dont happen like taht any more. I think my own problems are getting in the way these days.
The Zen of being part of the party that never ends, that's what I've always mange to miss somehow. God, It's so lonely I think I've started to deny the facts to myself -- I know I'm lonely but the hurt has numbed my feelings.
I hope Randy and Shelia have a goo time at the church gathering tonight.
Happy New Year Chuck and Rose and Matt and Sarah, may each and all of yuo have a prosperous and fulfillng year.
People out buying firworks, is that who they are?
Wednesday Jan 1, 1986
3:30 PM
It's not that I want to be nineteen forever, or never gro old. It's just that I want to be ninteen in '68, '69, '70, '71, '72, ... '81, ... '85, '86 ad infintium. I want to know what it's like to be nineteen in each generation. I guess that's why I'm back down at the Clemson Quad on New Year's Day. Still trying to live off of their experiences.
Can you believe it , there're still People here today -- mideast people whose New Year's on another day.
Saw Randy driving his truck around, thought about stopping by his place but I wanted to come down here too -- since I didnt last night. {{See there, Jery, you'd rather be alone than with a friend.}} I wonder if this means this willl be the year of Clemson for me? Whitewater's fading and Clemson's coming on strong. Dont understand why, I really hadted this place when I was going to school here. And can you imagin that the class (HS) clown Kenny is teaching her and I flunked out? So I want to be a nineteen year old college student forever, wanting and getting are different things and there's nothing I can do about it. So what's the use?
9:20 PM
Courthouse steps New Year's Night 1986. I've been to Clemson so thought I should stop here too. Actually want to wish Randy a Happy New Year but I guess he's alrady gone to bed - his apartment was dark. You know what I thought aoubt - role playing again, acting, but I guess it'll end up like guitar playing, book writing, etal. Murdock, this character from 'A team' he played invisible man on one of the shows -- it's sort of like that here, hardly anyone notices me sitting here -- Oh excuse me - I've already mentioned that before. == The 'Twixt and 'Tween days are over. ==
I think I've finally drawn soem attention - the police have stopped this time.
What's this year going to be like? How many times has that question bee asked every New Year's? is it really going to be a good year, will any really great things happen in the world? Will Singer losoe more business this year? Will I have a job come New Year's eithty-seven? {{The police have moved along now.}} Or will I let myself continue to be held back by family problems? Or will I be free from them this year?
Rick Nelson was killed last night in a plane crash. Is it Buddy Holly time again?