Tue Jun 30 1998, 2 of 2
The rest of 1974 I lived somewhere. I do remember living with a dude in an apartment down toward Norfolk. May have lived out of the van too, I know I did after the Med Cruise till I got out. I moved back in to the SandBridge motel during the off season that Fall and Winter.
The squadron, VF84, the one with the Skull and CrossBones painted on the tail section, if you happen to see them in the movies or on tv, made another trip to Key West. I drove my van that time. Made a trip out to Yuma Arozonia too, Top Gun school for the pilots, we enlisted types just went along to keep the planes flying. There was a trip down to Jacksonville Fl too, that's where the FD Roosevelt was stationed, one of the shake down cruises before the Med Cruise in 1975.
I didnt keep a Journal then, except in my head. But there was this thing called a "Grip Book" though in the Navy sailor vernicular it was "Bitch Book". A dialogue of sorts happened in that book.
Marc showed up sometime during the Med Cruise, a replacement for one who had gotten out. He flew in on one of the small transport planes one day, an E2C I think. Some of us in the shop went up to the tower to fetch him. I was wearing one of my blue denium shirts without my 2nd class strips, made me look like an E3. 'Hey Chief, where the fresh meat?' Marc tosses his seabag at my feet like I was suppose to carry it for him. o O (Ha, this is going be interesting.) I pick it up and carry it for him back down to the shop.
The next morning I walk in with my 2nd class strips on. I don't know but I think he stared for a moment, 'Oh shit, he out ranks me' look on his face.
Marc was smart as well has having the looks that turn the girls heads. He was a military brat and had been to Europe before, so he had "the background". It was going be another excursion into someone else's mind.
This other dude and I talked a lot about different things. Marc started keeping notes in the Bitch Book. I started to respond in the book as well. I havent the foggist what the dialogue was about.
Then there're things people write late at night on a boat on the seas which just kinda happen. Those are down at the bottom.
Marc's Dialogue, Med Cruise 1975
Me:
a person's existance is like a weekend at the beach, an experience to be experienced and once experienced to be rememberd in one's mind, for like the end of a weekend, when the paths of live part, all that is left of a person's existance is the memories in the mind.
Marc:
'I have outgrown my fantisies.'
Me:
Facial expressions do not necessarily reflect inner feelings. Happiness and sorrow are states of the mind and emotions which , generally but not always, are represented visually. This does make it had for people to interepet emotions of others but then not everyone is the same.
Me:
can it be that people who seek the joys of life are, in reality, avoiding the sorrows of life? Since 'happiness' is the absence of sorrow, and this life contains both, then 'happiness' is the avoidance of sorrow. The ridicule of personalities represents a serious character flaw for which there is no excuse, we all have flaws within ourselves, which leaves no room for us to critize or ridicule others. Rationalizing our actions by empty phases and meaningless words only compound the infrastructure of lifes guidlines. They are used most often when we know we are wrong but refues to admit the fact or change out lifes bad habits.
Marc:
Judge not that ye be not judged. For you and your purpose ideals may be fine. But he embraces different ideals, they serve his purpose. Does the fact that you disagree with his ideals make them misquided? Perhaps he feels that your ideals are misquided, the fact that he has idels and bellieves in them should give you some small respect for him. Perhaps he may be misquided in your eyes but he is perfectly happy with his existence. you may not be but he is. And whether you are happy with his existence coul not affect him in the least.
Me:
'Judge not that ye not be judged'. One of the ideals which is lacking in his guidlines. But he does embrace different ideals and they do serve his purpose. When one sees that another's ideal infringe upon others, what is one to do? Look the other way and let things happen as thy might? When one sees that a friend's habits will lead him into trouble in some future time and way, does one stand aside?
Marc:
There has always been judges among us. Perhaps one of the former judges resents having judgment and criticism passed up him.
Me:
If at some time you have commented on the actions of others, have you not judged?
Marc:
'Judge not that ye not be judge'
Me:
'To accuse is worse than the act itself.
Marc:
I was anxious to jump into this conversation, the interruption may have been welcomed by one, but I'm sure the other would have condemned it. The statement was put forth for the sole purpose of deliberatly attempting to humiliate the other conversant. It didn't work, and i was happy and pleased to note this. Constant sarcastic remarks accomplished totally nothing to the conversation, but they did also not detract from it. They were crossed over as would be a pubble in the street. He seemed to be 'humoring' the other person, possibly to trap him, and I must admit they were parried quite effectively. I am sincerely glad tha I have meet both of these persons, for I have learned much from both of them. In one, I have seen qualities which i can now see in myself, I hope to stamp these quallities out. I feel that definitely from my peresonallity. In the other, I see qualities that exist within mealso, but remotely so. I hope they will soon creep to the surface. I truly wish to be somewhat like this person. Not entirely, I wish to retain my own 'spirit', but I wish to be capable of control and quiet strength i can feel emanating from this person. Recently, I feel I have gone thru a slight change for the better. I am begining to awaken, soen I hope to stretch and rise and live. It is along process, but one must begin somewhere, and I feel I have. Inside, for inside my mind I saw for brief moment something which struck fear into me. Please, don't let me become a snowman!
Me:
They always have unique backgrounds. Is the background critical in developmpent of thier perspective views or is it just a common factor? Can we clic better to our similarities or is it in our differences we find common interests? The difference appear minute between the mids group, however, the exttremes appear to be geometrically seperated. Broken homes, travel, no families - these are the most common backgrounds. I can not believe that the highs are natural. They can be cultured and developed. Clarity of understanding is the degree of high. What about overiding characteristics which can obscure highs from observation? An obnoxious high, doe this diminish the high itself or merely prevents the high from fully developing?
Marc:
Can you really pick them out so easily, or is it an extension of what you want to see?
Me:
I see things as they really are, accuracy of observation is developed with practice. Seperation of reality and impressions is more destinct with maturity.
Marc:
There are times when a person may wish to discuss something intelligently but can't because people have decided he bullshits all the time, and can never be taken seriously. THis is due to some extent to what this person has saidn / done / expressed in previous encounters. But all house have more than 4 walls. Perhaps his person isn't even aware he is bullshiting. I personally believe this. I have come to the conclusion it is not alwasy good to say what you feel another wishes to hear, for anyone not directly iinvolved hears it he may be inclined to misiinteerpret it. This is not only inevitable, but expected. It is becoming evident that one msut think carefully about what he wisht to say, it mayb not be pealsing to the ear, but it has its orgins in the mind, and not the mouth, and this is very important. I see another oportunity to express myself, but this time i shall choose my way more carefully. Rather than toy with the subject, I shall endeavor to be lead. I hope to recieve more enlightment as I have in the past. I think I know now what a true snowman is. I hope I never become one. I think if I make a very conscious continual effort I can accomplish this. It will take time and constant observation of myself, but I feel I am campable of it. When I stray from the path, I hope I see the sing before I cross the ditch.
Me:
Damn, it was all just above my head. I know it was there but as I reached up with both hands to grab the thoughts I stumbled and fell and the thoughts drifted thru my fingers. Could you lower the high for us mids?
Marc:
I sense sarcasm. Am I correct? If so, then my search has ended, for no one is left to guide me. If all of my inquires are met with sarcasm and put downs, then I must withdraw my mind from the path as I would my hand from fire. To search and fail is terrible, but to search and have withheld is inexcusable. If even my most sincere probings are meet with disblief and ridicule then I must begin to wonder if the path is occupied. Does it exist or is it merely a base for one mind alone? From which he can torment and tantallize others, withholding his knowledge? I begin truely to wonder.
Me:
No, No! I try my best to avoid sarcasm and put downs. I appologize if my words have left this impression.
Marc:
Where nobody is anybody, everybody wishes to be somebody.
Me:
'To search and have withheld' With some, their philosophy is 'what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours.' With others, it is 'what is mine is mine and what is yours will soon be mine.' But I possess the third, 'what is min is mine and is willing to be shared freely with others' You need only ask, I withhold nothing.
Me:
is it really possible that i am the 'snowman'? Am I the one who has bullshited all the time and can never be taken seriously? Am I the one who bullshits and doesn't know it? OR is it my mistrust of people that is the problem? Have I been misquided and lied to so much that i can no longer be trusted and those who are the real bullshitter? Is this what is meatn by 'thinking before speaking' so that I am not mislead? Perhaps I should withdraw into my own thoughts again, if no one will accept myu offer to share what we each have to benefit the other. If it is I who you think is the 'snowman' can you will you help me to correct my guidlines, my friend?
Marc:
May the sunshine always in your face,
The wind blow always at your back.B
But not lose its beauty in trying to rationalize it.
May your friends have nothing for you
but smiles and fellowship.
Dont hoard your love for other persons
Always be true to people,
For if once you mislead them,
They will think it is your perpetual occupation.
Listen to what people have to say,
But don't become condescending,
Sarcasm and Cycnicism
Are the edges of a double bladed sword.
Let us keep it within it's scabbard.
"Bitch Book Story #1"
Once a time long, long ago, before you or I were here, before the world was round, before there were men or diansoirs, earth, stars, galaxies, or a universe, there was nothiing at all, nothing. As eons of time past by the lonliness felt a need for companionship, thru will power along such a companion came into existance. Again eons of time past by when the First felt the lonliness of the void around him. A second being was created for companionship. And so a third and multitudes of Others. Finally the First spoke to the Others. 'I have thought for a great time about what we have done. We soon grow tired of our new friends. We must find other means to amuse ourselves. The plan which I have developed will provide such amusement for eons to come. We will fill the void around us with physical objects, great and samll, self sustaining for future eons of evolution.' So it was that plans were made in detail from the smallest particle of an atom to the super structure of galaxies. The Laws were established which would govern how all this things would work together. A second time when the First spoke, 'Now let us develop on these many worlds an intelligent life with Minds like Ourselves. Then we will observe and guide.' ....
Will we ever truly appreciate the Mind Who developed the complexities of the Universe? Can we ever understand the complexities themselves? Man has looked up into the night sky for ages in wonder and awe. Or, are we to look within ourselves first?
"Bitch Book Story #2"
i can remember one summer, between the last of one school and beginning of another when i read a lot about the effects of grass, uppers, downers, acid. i understood the history, the chemistry, and read about other's experiences. after i had digested this knowledge i proceeded with an experiment, my project for that summer's amusement. i was already into meditating, the goal was simple, to achieve the effects without the catalyst. it was one friday night and saturday morning that august when i achieved the first mild stoned effect. it always took the same amount of time, hours of steady thought, but the effects were better controlled in duration and depth. my most favorite tripping was thur space to other worlds and civilizations, each one unique and full of experiences. comparing these experimetns with the catalyst effects i found little difference. without the constrated thoughts, the experience were random in subject matter and duration. programming mymind previous to getting stoned or popping pills had little effect to control. before i was heavily into drugs years latter, i tried a self induced trip into the current events. it was then taht i recognized the trickery and magic which veiled the cults motives. since then i have only smoked occassionally to discover if my mind has changed in relation to the effects. i have not self indcued since.
"Bitch Book Story #3"
the visit, visitation, visitor, view, the journy, trip voyage, grand tour from outside, outside the universe, voyage from where, no where, no when, insider's outside view.
the black-gray misty nothingness which you see on the outside is an unexplained effect of out motion from one point to another. the most reasonable theory i've read is that we are looking at the insides of nothing; and to be more explicit we are inside nothing looking outside (our vehicle0 at the insides of nothing. all of which means, if we were ourside of nothing looking outside (our vehicle) we would see space which is the nothing we are inside of. conventional motion thru space is simpley any self contained and motivated vehicle which moves thru space to get from one point to another. adverse limitations of time and speed were cause for looking elsewhere for mode of travel.
Wed Jul 1 1998, 1 of 2
The Med Cruises were six months long, three of those months were at sea and anchorage, only threes months of too few port calls to experience Europe.
The cruise was over, we were leaving the Mediterranean Sea for the ten day sailing back across the Atlantic.
The ride through the Strait of Gibraltar going into the Med was stormy, rocking and rolling like wild, thick clouds and high winds. I stood on the catwalk and looked across the flight deck; downward roll only see the sea; upward roll only see the sky. My emotions of entering that old Sea were equally rocking and rolling.
Six months later the ride back out was calm, quiet, bright and clear. Not so the depth of my emotions.
July 1975 Med Cruise
The setting for this day is aborad an aircraft carrier as it transits through the Straits of Gibraltar to the Atlantic Ocean; we are going home after a six month cruise in the Mediterranean. Most of my moods developed while walking around the flight deck looking at the Rock of Gibraltar, the coast of Spain, and the cliffs of the Aftican Coast. The mounting anticipation of returning home after the ordeal and excitment of cruising the Mediterranean predominates my mind. A great sensation of "finished-at-last" fills my whole body. My thoughts race from one subject to another, as if trying to review half a year's experience in one day. I see the Rock of Gibraltar and think of when we were comig into the Sea, a stomy, windy greeting. I think, again the same thoughts which I had when we entered the Sea; I think of the ancient Greek mariners, the mighty Viking seamen, the past American sailors all of whom have passed this way before. I see the coast of Europe and think of the places I've bee; Malaga, Cannes, palma, Napels, Brindisi, Signella, Seller, Sardinia, and Kitheria. My mind relives the experiences of each place and tries to recreate the mood of each experience. The train riding i Palma, the bar hopping in Barclonea, the girl watching on the Riveria, and the drinking in Signella all speed through my memory. The rough work and the detested hassle of shipboard life add themeselves to the turmoil of moods and thoughts. The satisfaction of completing all of past nights work and enjoymetn of seeing the flight operations are all but cancelled by the harishment of personal searches and pressure of following regulations. My mind returns to the sight of the Straits, now behind us, and the expectations of going home, again, fill my spirit. My thoughts are that these past six months represent the climax of my military encounter. Shortly, I will be getting out and I really feel a sense of completion, it's overwith, finished, truly going home.
Wed Jul 1 1998, 1 of 2
Somewhere out in the Atlantic I wrote this letter back home, in my notebook, not for mailing.
July 1975 Med Cruise
Thursday July the tenth in nineteen hundred and seventy-five
Dear Dad and Mom,
Today i am in the north atlantic sailing homeward. Today finds me in good health and happy spirits and i hope it finds you the same.
Well, this adventure will soon be over, and it has been a most fascinating experience. i have now sailed the atlantic from Flordia to Spain retracing the ancient voyage of Columbus. i have saild the Straits of Gilbratar - the Pillars of Hercules, and the ancient waters of the Mediterranean. i have visited the ports of Napoli and seen the mountain of ancient Pompeii. i have seen the land of Greece and island of Kitheria. i have been to the beginning of Columbus's voyage in Barcelona Spain and walked the island of Morraca. and i have been to Scily and first walked upon European soil at the Greek-Roman port of Brinidisi. Now i have departed thru the same straits and sail homeward acros the Atlantic
i return older by a short half annum but much wiser, full of memorable experiences and impressinos. the land of Europe is different. it is old and used. Trees show this age more than anything else, the years of bearing their fruit to feed the many generations shows heavily in their barks. the hills are terraced and property is marked by walls of rock, in some places hidden by moss and soil. buildings are passed down from father to son, some well kept and new, others are not much more than old buildings, all are homes to families. the cities are crowded adn woven with winding, narrow streets. a store or home may be nothing more than a door in a continius wall. this is the typical Europe but there is also the modern side much like a large city in the states, complete with big buildings and straight wide streets, very much on the business side.
Now there are the People of these old and respectible lands. like but not a like, diferent but not different. Old, young rich, poor, bad, good, honest, dishonest, friendly, not friendly, prejuidice and non prejuidice, etal. i suppose this in reality amkes us all the same - human. i have seen the open air markets and the people who populate them, the business men, the bar girls and hookers, the tourist, the street vendors, the young clics, the old misplaced individuals. i have been welcomed as if by a friend one day and insulated the next. it's difficult to draw any postulates, assumpations, or conclusion. Perhaps it will surfic eot say we are all human.
Here in the Atlantic, traveling constantly westwards, there is not all that much to do except review life's random events. i know Dan is having his most difficult moment now, seperated from his children, having to pay senseless debits and trying to reconstruct some stable from of life. His well being and that of the grand children is the concern of all o fus. We pray for the Lord's help for them .... it is so written that we should pray for our friends as well as our fores. We rould all like to be with him and i hope that will be the case when i get home. i am looking forward to see all of you waiting. i always thought for a long time that there would be no one there to greet me upon my return - like Joel has done a few times. Joel and Jackie are doing well i am sure. they have had some hardtimes and have overcome them together. i have always enjoyed visiting them and hope that i have not done so too many times. Scott will grow up to be a healthy young man someday and taht will bring Joel and Jackie and both of you much happiness. Robert has changed a lot these past few years. he has a family and a home. Quite a difference from his college and army days. Karen i think has helped him and like Joel and Jackie they blend together well. Zeke and Tanya should have a good life to look forward too, they will be brought us well. Like Dan i have a new life style to set up. i plan to get around to all the hobbies and interests i have plan to do these past years. a home to put together, a library to build, astronomy and art work to piddle at, knowledge to learn and books and essays to write.
Well i have rambled on far a few pages now and have one last thing to say. Dad, Mom, thank you for teaching me right from wrong,for showing me the benefits of love for others, for the values of friends. Thank you for teaching me to appreciate the beauty and awe of God's Universe, for teaching me to be conscious of the hardships of this life. Thank you for teaching me God's commandments and the Lord's guidlines to live by. Thank you for the love you have given to me. Mayt he Lord be with you each day and God bless your lives with many blessings.
Love Jerry