My Road to Victory in My Battle Against Brain Cancer
Dear Family and Friends,
This is not going to be an easy update to write because I'm sure many of you (like me) have gotten used to my usual positive updates containing the oh so-comforting work STABLE. Unfortunately, that is not going to be the case this time. Our streak of security ended this week. My MRI on Monday showed progression in the area of the remaining portion of my tumor. They are not seeing the tumor growth itself, but are actually seeing the result of tumor activity. Basically, the area that was removed with my previous surgery had filled up with some fluid (appearing as a white-sac looking thing on my MRI) has grown and changed shape over the past 4 months. This is caused by tumor activity. There are some good things about this, however. They are not actually seeing any enhancement (new areas of growth) on the scan and I am not experiencing any symptoms at this time. So they believe this to be the slower growing, less aggressive types of cancer cells of my tumor. Because of this activity, they presented my case to the tumor board on Tuesday and have recommended that I start up on a regiment of the chemotherapy (Temodar) that I was on before. Because the Temodar worked so well for me before (remember, I've been STABLE for 3 years now~2 years off any treatment!), they feel that this is the best option for me at this time. Athough I had psyched myself into thinking I wanted them to recommend surgery so they could get it ALL out this time!, I am now comfortable with the fact that this is the less intrusive method of treatment and there is no reason to believe that I won't have the same success with the chemo this time around. All of my other options remain open to me (including a second surgery, radiation therapy or other forms of chemo) down the road if necessary (it's nice to have options!)
So I will once again begin taking the Temodar (pill form chemo). This time the protocol is different ... I'll take it 5 days on/23 days off (basically 1 week each month) for the next year. (As opposed to the 7on/7off before)
I'll get my baseline bloodwork done next week; then plan to begin on Sunday April 24. I'll have my first post chemoMRI two months in as well as bloodwork (and as long as my counts cooperate, they'll up my chemo dosage then). Then I'll have an MRI every three months.
There are certainly some difficult things and times coming out of this news: I doubt I'll ever feel truly "secure" again about this cancer; telling the girls who are three years older and smarter now was a more challenging and heart wrenching experience (although they are troopers and some of their adorable responses will make for great stories one day); and there is the unknown of how I'll take to a different dosage of the chemo. However, I am focused on the many (once again) blessings and positives that have already appeared to me: I am asymptomatic; they can treat me with a drug that I know worked once before; and I still have many other treatment options availbale to me (but they aren't necessary right now).
So we travel down this familiar road once again. Only this time I begin it comforted by teh knowledge that I am in very good hands both physically and spiritually. I have Faith in my doctors' decisions and I have Hope that this chemo will produce the desired result of keeping the tumor in check. I pray that my story will not only have a happy, successful ending for me, but that it also will help my team of healers learn something that will create happy endings for others as well. I also start this new phase of my journey knowing I'm surrounded by the love, prayers, good thoughts, and unwavering support of many of the greatest people on this planet! Finally, and most importantly, I am confident in my belief that I will not walk one step of this journey without my most loving and caring God's footsteps beside mine and that He already knows my path and its destination. I'm keeping it all in His hands.
In love and friendship,
Sharon
girl you're in the middle of the ride.
everything, everything will be just fine,
everything everything will be all right, all right..."
Cancer is so limited -
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.
- Source Unknown
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is in the worst of fortunes the best of chances for a happy change. - Euripides
Do not divide your life into weeks, months, or years. Rather divide your day into moments. Then live each moment as if it were one full life. - author unknown
Oh God, my Creator, I offer to You my sickness. I offer to You my confusion and my anger. I offer to You my exhaustion and my fear. Let me not cling to them; rather, let me release them to You and unburden myself. I offer to You as well my gratitude for all those who support me now, who are Your love for me made visible. I want to be healed. I place my trust in You. Amen.
During this time of illness, I want to do Your will, God, but I have difficulty knowing what You want me to do. I often find myself in a quandary. I quest. Isearch. I become frustrated. Why do I feel the need to know Your will? Why do I have this need to control my life? Help me to let go and to allow You to lead me. I believe in You. I have hope in You. I love You. Now I ask for the gift of trust in You. Light the way for me, Lord. Lead me in the direction You want me to go. I don't need a road map. I don't need to ask why. I simply need to surrender myself to You and follow You. That is the key to doing Your will. Help me, God. Amen.
Jesus, come and lay Your healing hands upon (name), who is suffering with cancer. I ask also, Jesus, that You shower Your compassion on all of us who love him/her. We share with (name) much anger, fear, frustration, and worry. This cancer that has invaded our lives has the power to damage, even destroy, our relationships. Inspired by Your love, however, we can use this situation to strengthen the bonds among us. Give us the strength to be compassionate and loving with one another. Enable us to walk together hand-in-hand with (name), supporting each other as we do battle with this disease and the suffering it brings not only to the one afflicted but to all who love him/her. Amen.
Jesus, you know I am worrier. I don't want to be. I believe that God, our Father, will take care of me, but sometimes I question to strength of my faith. Many times, I give my worries to You, and then I take them back. Help me to take control of those worries I can do something about and let go of the worries that are out of my hands. I fret about many things, yet from experience, I know that You take care of my needs. No matter what happens, I can count on You to be by my side. Still at times I am weak, questioning my own abilities, and before I know it, again I am worrying. You are my hope, Jesus, and I trust You. Heal me of this wekness, Jesus. Give me peace of mind. Help me direct my energy to action, not worry. Amen.
Jesus, please help me deal with the stress in my life. People are willing to help me, but I am confused and don't know what to do. Help me to let go of what is unimportant. Provide me with moments of solitude to relax and refresh my body, mind, and soul. I get tired, anxious, and stressed. Jesus, rescue me. Help me to slow down and take one day at a time. I have become a lamb that is lost in the brambles of life. Hold me in Your loving arms. Restore me to peace and hope. Amen.
In this time of difficulty, increase my faith in You, my God. I believe in You and in all your promises. Yet it can be difficult at times to see Your way. Sometimes I drift away from You. But then I am reminded of Your gifts to me, especially the gift of life. Strengthen my faith, God so that I may recognize the fullness in all You give me. Help me to choose You and to stand steadfast in my belief in You. In accepting Your love I can find true comfort. Amen.