*After ~Laughing Out Loud~ from reading all these great jokes, use the *Back Button* on your browser to return to more great *R* Humor. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Just like Old Times A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ What is It? One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?" "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says "it's a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Lil Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sex Quiz For Men 1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as: a) Lovemaking b) Screwing c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b) Your blood-test results c) Five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that: a) Your partner climaxes first b) You both climax simultaneously c) You don't miss SportsCenter 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) Healthy, creative love-play b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) The best part of the experience b) The second best part of the experience c) $100 extra 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours b) Not a problem - she can join your gym c) A conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) A myth b) An oxymoron c) A moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: a) Appetizer is to entree b) Priming is to painting c) A queue is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...." c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy b) Is uptight and a waste of time c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused. If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Horse Ride Little Johnny is passing his parent's bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks screwing. Before his dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" His dad, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air. "Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed. The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my eye!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This guy is out on the golf course when he is hit by a screaming drive right in his groin. He falls to the ground, writhing in pain. Eventually, he makes it to the doctor's office to be examined. "How's it look Doc." he asks? "Not too bad, says the doctor, You should be alright in about a week." "Thank heavens," says the guy, "I'm getting married in a week and my fiance is a virgin in every way. I wouldn't want to disappoint her." The doctor takes 4 tongue depressors and wires them into place, one on each side of the guys penis. Once finished the contraption is quite a engineering marvel. The guy says nothing to his fiance about what happens and as planned gets married and goes on the honeymoon. In the honeymoon suite his new bride opens her gown top and displays a beautiful set of breasts. "These are for you. No one has ever even seen them before.", she says. The groom quickly drops his pants and proudly states, "This is for you. And look, it's still in the crate!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Stow Away A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." "Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me." "He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Jet Fuel A couple of drinkin buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hanger at JFK airport in New York; it's fogged over and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that will give you a buzz." So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and have a good old time like only drinkin buddies can do. The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up for fear his head will explode from the awful hangover he's going to have. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER! The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey how are you feeling this morning? I'm actually feeling really good!" The buddy says, "Me too! I feel great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover...we ought to do this more often!" "Yeah, we could but there's just one thing...." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No...Why?" "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. ("The Horizontal Disco") Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Yes!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. "Sure, why?" "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25 pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy - it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out telling the father that the mother was busy weighing the mailman. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Two Tigers! The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Redneck The farmer found his son behind the barn pulling his pud. The old man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to get married. The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father. The next morning, the farmer father comes behind the barn and discovers his son flailing away, just as before. "Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that anymore. "Ah, pa, but she just ain't got no kinda grip at all!!!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ How to Cure a Headache A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..". He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked. "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Cold Hands From: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List"