Song Fic "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” -Alfred Lord Tennyson Wakatte Itahazu (I Should Have Known) Toori sugiru koibito tachi no warai goe (The laughing voices of lovers passed) Mune o shimetsu keru (My chest tightens) Kaede heaved a sigh. He watched as the people walked past him; laughing, hugging and enjoying themselves. His heart ached as memories of love lost played in his mind. Ame agari no shuu matsu no gogo na no ni (After the rain on a weekend afternoon) Watashi hitori machi o aruku (I walk through the city alone) Soba ni itai no ni (Wishing to be by your side) He stood, shouldered his bag, and started on his way home. As he did, he recalled the times when he and Akira stayed on that bench he had been on, and when they took turns walking each other home. Sendoh, he painfully reminded himself, remembering that he and the Ryonan ace were not on a first-name basis anymore. Sonna koto wakatte itahazu (Something like this, I should have known) Suki ni nareba natta dake (If I fell so deeply in love) Kurushimu koto (It would hurt just as much) When he reached his destination, he fumbled around his pocket for his key. As he pulled it out, a slip of paper fluttered to the ground. He picked it up, and felt a pain in his heart as he recognized the small, tidy handwriting and the inscription it had made: Aishiteru, Kaede-kun. Tomodachi wa? Setsunai ne wakatte iru no ni (Even if I know it’s painful) Omotte iru anata dake o (I can’t help but think about you) Konna ni aenai toki mo (Even when I can’t see you) He climbed up the stairs, seeking the comfort of his room. But when he got there, the first thing he saw was a small, framed photograph on his desk. He walked over to it, and examined it for what felt to him like the millionth time: The cheerful outdoor background, and two guys with an arm around each other. The slightly taller one, with spiky black hair, had his arm around the shoulders of the other, a cheerful smile in his face. The second one, wearing a dark blue shirt and a red jersey over it, had his arm around the other’s waist, beaming an equally jovial smile. Kaede touched Sendoh’s face in the picture, then pried his eyes away to look at his photographic self. That smile... it seemed strangely alien and unfamiliar to him. It was one of those rare moments, when he felt happy, content... and loved. Donna toki mo issho ni ite hoshii nante (At this time, I shouldn’t wish) Omotcha ikenai to (To be with you always) He set the photo back on the table, then thought better of it and instead slid it into a drawer. If I’m going to get over this, I’m not gonna do it by keeping memoirs of him around. Kaede dropped onto his bed, and another flood of memories washed over him. He felt his throat tighten as a movie played in his mind: Sendoh staying the night because of a heavy downpour of rain, them sitting on the bed as they not-so-subtly hinted how they felt about each other, and Sendoh holding Kaede as the latter cried for lack of companionship. Kaede blinked, and tears spilled and ran down his cheeks. Osaete ita watashi no kokoro no koe (Even now, the voice of my heart) Tomera rezu ni ima mo afuresou de (Which I tried to suppress overflows so much) Kurushii no (That it hurts) He tried to sleep, finding it rather difficult. Funny. Usually, I’m asleep the second I close my eyes... Eventually he fell asleep, but he was troubled with dreams: of when he and Sendoh first faced each other in the practice game; of when, after the game, Sendoh offered his hand in a “better-luck-next-time” gesture, and – most painfully – of how he felt when Sendoh, with his never-ceasing kindness and optimism, had unknowingly shattered the barrier that Kaede had built around himself. Watashi ni wa wakatte itahazu (All to myself, I should have known) Aishita tte hitori jime (Loving and keeping and loving you) Dekinai koto (Is something I can’t do) Kaede did not feel any better at practice the next day. Thrice he missed making shots, and dropped the ball several times when it was passed to him. (“The kitsune’s no good! Better kick him off the team, Gori, so as to stop him from dragging the tensai down even further! Nyahahaha!—“) Ayako, the only one who knew of his plight, offered him his towel as he made to sit on the bench. “Neh, Rukawa, want to talk?” Kaede looked at her, before dropping his gaze back to the floor. “Iie, I’m all right.” “Hontoni?” “Hai.” As he watched his teammates play, he remembered the moment after the practice game with Ryonan when he not-so-kindly refused to shake Sendoh’s hand. This lead to remembering all the times when he and Sendoh walked hand-in-hand in the dark of the night, and the last time they held each other in an embrace. “Gomen ne, Ayako-san. I... can’t... handle this anymore,” he said to the girl. Standing up, he grabbed his bag and headed out the door. Rukawa Kaede and Sendoh, Akira... never again to be. Demo ima wa taisetsu na omoi (But now is an important thought) Watashi dake ga mieru honto (I believe in the truth that I can see) Shinjite aishi tsuzu keru (And continue on loving you) Once again, he sat on that bench that he and Sendoh usually stayed on, and yet again watched people pass by him floating on cloud nine. He saw the rooftop of the Ryonan gym from a distance, and tried to imagine what the Ryonan team’s practice looked and sounded like. Sen – Akira... Only this time, he felt no heart-wrenching pain, only a much lighter load on him. In fact, he felt like smiling a little. Maybe I do feel better, he thought. Maybe all I needed was time to think of and remember him and all the times we’ve shared. He stood up and headed back to the Shohoku High School gym, with a considerably lighter heart – and better feeling – than before. ~ The End ~