There are fairies live at my house.

I know it to be true.

I've never really seen them,

But I've seen the things they do.

There's some live in my garden,

And some live in my shed.

And I'm convinced there's also some

That live beneath my bed.

I'll tell you why I know it's true,

The facts speak for themselves

That I've got fairies in my house

(Or possibly just elves).

Now, take the book I'm reading,

Each night when I retire

I turn the page and put it on

The table by the fire.

But come next day, my book has gone

And I search everywhere

Without result. Then all at once

It's underneath my chair.

What page was it I stopped at?

No dog ears mark my place.

I know those blasted fairies

Are laughing in my face.

Now come outside and look around.

You see that tangled hose

That's twisted through the flower pots

As round the tree it goes.

Well yesterday, I watered

And when I'd done it all

I coiled up the garden hose

All neatly by the wall.

But when I wasn't looking

The fairies came around

And made the tangled mess you see

Before you on the ground.

Now when I'm working in my shed,

There's lots of fairies there.

I know those tricky little pests

Are with me everywhere.

I get the ruler from the box.

(It's coloured bright, bright red)

I take the needed measurements

And keep them in my head.

I go to get a pencil,

So I can write them down.

The big green one I got last week

When I was last in town.

But nowhere can I find it.

I search around for hours.

Eventually I find the thing.

It's hidden in the flowers.

But now I can't remember

The measurements I took.

And I can't find the ruler

No matter where I look.

I go back to the kitchen

To make a cup of tea.

And there's the bright red ruler.

It's there for all to see.

Those fairies, they have moved it

From my shed into the house.

Those sneaky little devils

Are much quieter than a mouse.

I've decided that I've had enough,

I'll make a fairy trap.

I've got a box and fairy bread

And a sort of one-way flap.

So off I go out to my shed

To put the trap together.

Then step out for a moment

To glance up at the weather.

Then I go back and there they are,

The box, the fairy bread.

But the bloody flap is missing.

I'll give up and go to bed.