Lines from Oz

Bitey Things

You've asked me to go camping
On a trip around our state
I'm sure I'd love your company
But other things I'd hate

So I must decline the offer
And here's the reasons why
I couldn't cope with such a trip
However hard I try

I'm terrified of beasts that bite
I quiver and I quake
When asked to wander through the bush
Where I might see a snake

And should you think of picnics
I fear I'll pee my pants
Should I have to share a blanket
With scores of hungry ants

Now mozzies, wasps and also bees
And other things that fly
Be warned I keep a spray can of
Insecticide close by.

Each time I see a flying bug
I cover it with spray
With eyes tight shut I squirt away
Till its sound has gone away

And should you be close by me
And in my line of fire
I wont consider if the spray
Will cause you to expire

The thought of spiders turns me cold
I'm petrified with fright
Just thinking if one got on me
Some dark and moonless night

And centipedes I know are there
Just lurking in the dark
They hide beneath the sticks and stones
And under bits of bark

And what if, in the dark of night
a bat should happen by
I'm told they suck your blood away
And later on you die

Please don't ask me to go fishing
In a boat out on the sea
The ocean's full of monster sharks
Just waiting there for me

And at the beach, I do not swim
I do not care to meet
The crabs that hide beneath the sand
I'm sure they'll bite my feet

And in the water, jelly fish
With stings you cannot see
Invisible beneath the waves
They lie in wait for me

And as for camping near a creek
a billabong or lake
What if we were to come across
a six foot water snake

or worse than that, a crocodile
that lurks and lies in wait
The thought that one might be there
is something that I hate

So now you see why I wont go
I've told you of my fears
I've never been out camping
In all my forty years

But should your thoughts of holidays
be not confined to home
I'd love to have you take me
To Paris or to Rome

©BL 31/3/01