ONE LINERS......

 1. I can please only one person per day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow
    isn't looking good either.
 2. I don't suffer from stress.  I'm a carrier.
 3. I don't have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem.
 4. I love deadlines.  I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
    they go flying by.
 5. Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?
 6. My Reality Check bounced.
 7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
 8. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 9. There are two rules for ultimate success in life.  1) Never tell
    everything you know.
10. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
11. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.