Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. ----- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything." ----- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. ----- A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ----- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." ----- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." ----- A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." ----- Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" ----- Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned. ----- What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart. ----- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication! ----- There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. ----- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" ----- "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." ----- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. ----- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. ----- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. ----- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ----- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" ----- I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. ----- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. ----- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!" ----- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. ----- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." ----- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." ----- A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc." ----- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.