Date: December 1996 Highlights: ------------------------------------------------ - Dogbert's Healing Powers - Party Tips for Induhviduals - Gifts for Induhviduals - More True Tales of Induhviduals - New Year's Resolutions for Induhviduals - If Star Trek (tm) was managed like Dilbert - World's Best Sandwich ------------------------------------------------ ** If you're on the list and don't get your copy right away, be patient or check http://www.unitedmedia.com. I'm way behind in updating the mailing list.** DNRC Status Report ------------------ The ranks of DNRC have swelled to 150,000 inexplicably attractive and frighteningly intelligent members. I think this explains the recent drop in ratings for the Baywatch television series. With so many DNRC members among the general population, let's face it, the Baywatch crew starts to look a bit ordinary. Now we have enough members to form our own Mars colony without a huge risk of inbreeding. Eventually we'll be able to escape this Induhvidual-infested ball of stupidity called earth. That's a long term plan, but it's proceeding well. A DNRC Covert Operations team has planted fake bacteria fossils in a Mars rock, thus getting everyone excited about spending tax money on Mars-bound spaceships. Once the Mars colony is built we can decide whether we want to live there ourselves or just ship the excess Induhviduals up there for storage. Either way, it's best to put some galaxy between us and the six billion Induhviduals who are not actively fluffing our pillows and mowing our lawns. [If you're joining the party late, non-DNRC members (the Induhviduals) will all become our domestic servants after Dogbert conquers the world.] DNRC currency ------------- In the last newsletter I introduced the new DNRC currency called the Pennybert which was planned to have this Latin inscription: Ille Albus Canne Vinco Homines. It's supposed to mean, "The white dog conquers humankind." Many people wrote to point out the errors in this Latin phrase. Here's an example. Dear Mr. Adams, As a beginning student in Latin I was quite excited to read that the DNRC currency will have a phrase in Latin on it. I wrote it down and took it to my professor. He said that the grammar in it isn't correct. He suggested the following: DOGBERTUS ORBEM TERRARUM VINCIT What do you think? I'm no Latin expert, but I think this new version looks suspiciously like it might be saying, "Dogbert and Roy Orbison will live in a terrarium with Vincent Van Gogh." And that makes no sense to me. While I'm in favor of precision, unless it requires effort, I must point out that there's an inherent logic flaw in having Latin professors correct the Pennybert inscription. First, bear in mind that after Dogbert's takeover, all Latin professors will be pruning our shrubbery, so their motives and credibility are suspect. Secondly, Latin is a so-called "dead language." It takes a lot to kill a language. There are countries the size of my kitchen that have their own healthy languages. Clearly, if Latin was useful in its normal form, it would be alive today. Therefore the language must be defective. I don't see much risk in changing it. What's the worst thing that could happen -- Latin will become unpopular? Thirdly, and most importantly, after Dogbert's takeover DNRC members will all be infallible by definition. So it doesn't much matter what the Pennybert inscription says because it can't be wrong. So I say we keep the original inscription and let's all agree that Latin is defective and not us or the Pennybert. Dogbert's Healing Powers ------------------------ Here is a true story of the healing powers of Dogbert, reprinted here with permission. Dear Scott, Recently I was in the Intensive Care Unit with double pneumonia and lots of other yucky things. It was getting pretty "Chicago Hope" in there and I started to go into shock and, well, die, when the priest said, "C'mon Cath, you can't leave now or you'll never know whether Dogbert solves the year 2000 problem." (I've been in here awhile and he sometimes helps me access the Internet via my bedside PC.) I'm sorry if this embarrasses you, but Dogbert really saved my life and I figure I owe him (and you) at least a thank you note...so, thanks. Love, Cath Perry I think there is a lesson here for all of us: Dilbert products save lives. But I don't recommend that any of you wait as long as Ms. Perry did. You can also use Dilbert in a holistic, preventative manner. For example, let's say you wake up in the morning and you're still tired. That's a sure sign of something terribly wrong with your body. Run to the store and buy a Dilbert book, then drink some coffee and take a nap. You'll be feeling better in no time. I guarantee it. DNRC Enemies List ------------------- Recently, Martha Stewart was put on the DNRC Enemies "Watch List" until she provided us with a festive way to dispose of little Poppin' Fresh, who, as you know, is a mortal enemy of the DNRC. (Some would say he's half-baked but I think that's wishful thinking.) Martha hasn't sent in her response yet, but many of you sent your own ideas. There were too many creative suggestions to list, involving everything from cordless screwdrivers to catnip, but none of them struck me as particularly festive. So I'm extending Martha's deadline until the next DNRC newsletter. Dilbert Zone Redesign --------------------- If you haven't looked at The Dilbert Zone web lately, check out the new design and features. There are difficult puzzles for you and simpler ones for your manager. And lots of other fun stuff too: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert Party Tips for Induhviduals ---------------------------- Despite your best efforts, you might find yourself at an office party with Induhviduals. Here are some tips you will want to share with them in order to avoid any embarrassing or dangerous situations. - If your boss gets drunk and offers to pphotocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing "reduce 75%." - If you hear someone yell, "Empower THISS!!" try to put some distance between you and whatever happens next. - Never ask, "Is *that* your wife or did you cash in some stock options?" - If the party is held on site, don't askk for directions. - When you meet your boss's spouse, neverr say "Wow, I didn't know you were married. What's it like to have an open relationship?" - Don't put the eggnog in your own flask.. - Don't ask the band to play "Take This JJob and Shove It." - It's never a good idea to use the mistlletoe as a fig leaf. Gifts for Induhviduals ------------------------ If you are trapped into giving holiday gifts to Induhviduals, you want to appear generous without spending any actual money. Here are some excellent gift ideas: - Your used motor oil in a chocolate syruup bottle - The stuff that Goodwill laughed at and left on your porch - Soap chips sculpture (Induhviduals lovee handmade stuff) - Plastic sandwich bag labelled "emergenccy rain hat" - That stapler from the copy machine roomm And remember, old lightbulbs decorated with highlighter pens make lovely tree ornaments. New Year's Resolutions for Induhviduals ------------------------------------------- The members of the DNRC are perfect this year as usual, but many Induhviduals need improvement. Here are some New Year's Resolutions you can suggest to the Induhviduals around you: - I will not lick the flagpole on a freezzing winter day even if someone swears it tastes like cinnamon. - I will not comb my eyebrows over my heaad and try to pass it off as a full head of hair. - I will not park in the handicapped spacce at the bowling alley no matter how low my bowling average is. - I will never again joke with flight atttendants about the explosive device in my pants. - I will not use correction fluid as a coondiment. - From now on, when giving my subordinatees positive strokes I'll do so verbally. - I will not try to send three-dimensionaal objects via e- mail. Some DRNC Pranks ---------------- - Fill a whiteboard in a conference room with technobabble charts that mean absolutely nothing and write "Do Not Erase" on it. - Set a pager to vibrate and then sew it into the padding of an Induhvidual's chair. Call the pager often. - During an office move, have all of yourr fellow DNRC members pack one box apiece with their discarded junk. Label the junk boxes with the address of your favorite Induhvidual. - When your boss calls you on the speakerr phone, skip every third word when you talk. - Collect page-separators from print jobss with various user's names and then combine them with controversial printouts of your own devising. Leave them in the printer for the next person to discover. - Video Conference Pranks: Arrange with everyone in the room to freeze and quit talking all at the same moment. Look directly into the camera and move your lips as if speaking, but make no noise. Have someone off-camera talk while someone of the opposite sex lip-syncs on-camera. Induhvidual Sightings ---------------------- The sightings in this section come from DNRC operatives from across the planet. Taxi! The Times newspaper (UK) recently carried a story about a taxi driver from Brighton who has spent the last 6 years of his leisure time writing out the numbers from one to a million by hand in order to get into the Guinness Book Of Records. When the compiler came round to check, he informed the man that he will need to do it again, as "they have to be written in words, not digits." [Editor's note: I assume the taxi driver was forcibly relocated to a nearby city named Not-Too-Brighton.] So There! I work with an Iduhvidual who is notorious for leaving work early. A couple of his "friends" decided to pull a prank on him by constructing a spreadsheet showing the hours he worked for the last 6 months. The fictional spreadsheet showed he averaged 35.6 hours a week (although he's required to work 40). The spreadsheet was enclosed in a company interoffice envelope with a note saying he owes the company 260 hours of flex time. After this Iduhvidual received the note, he got angry and created his own spreadsheet of actual hours that he had been tracking himself. He went straight to the boss to prove that the company was wrong. His data shows he worked an average of 36.8 hours a week -- not 35.6! Wrong Store: I work at a computer retail store. Recently a customer asked a strange question: "Do you have mouse pads for women?" (Editor: supply your own joke here) Don't Ever Change I needed to make a phone call while at the library. When I asked for change at the counter, I was told that they didn't give change for the phone, only for the copy machine. So I asked for change for the copy machine and she gave it to me. Wrong Number: An Induhvidual went to the hospital emergency room. After seeing the doctor and taking medication, he went to the nurse's station to call home for a ride. He asked a nurse how to get an outside line to which she responded, "Pound nine." Thinking the nine button must be sticking, the Induhvidual pushed nine hard and dialed the number. He then got a recording that the call couldn't be completed. He asked again, received the same answer, dialed the same number and got the same recording. Frustrated, he asked the nurse a third time how to get an outside line. Clearly irritated, she answered through her teeth, "I told you, POUND NINE!" to which he replied, "OKAY!", balled up his fist and smashed the phone. [Editor's Note: Some readers might think this story is an urban legend and that's probably true. But it doesn't mean that Induhviduals aren't having this exact confusion everyday. This is why I never serve pound cake at my house.] Just the Fax, Ma'am: This conversation actually happened. Induhvidual: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine"? DNRC member: "A little. What's wrong?" Induhvidual: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." DNRC member: How did you load the sheet?" Induhvidual: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it." Group Fax: A paralegal was given her duties the Monday she was hired. Among other things, she was responsible for sending out frequent faxes. She was fired on Wednesday when they discovered that because she didn't like using the fax machine, she was saving the faxes to send out all at the same time--once a week, on Friday. She was indignant because she couldn't see what they were so upset about. Overpriced? A clerk at a register in a computer store was questioned as to why a 14.4 fax-modem costs over $400. The Induhvidual clerk seriously studied the box and replied, "Well, it also has data." Class Dismissed I handed out problem set solutions in the class I teach. One girl immediately took out a highlighter and highlighted the title "Problem Set Solutions" and the various headings "Problem 1," "Problem 2," etc. I fear that someday she will manage the top students in this class. Stranded Motorist I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker -- now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and _manually_ unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries -- it's a long walk." Dogbert Answers My Mail --------------------------- In this section, Dogbert answers the annoying mail that I'm too polite to handle myself. Dear Mister Adams, Is there a Santa Claus? My friends say he's just make believe. Thanks, Virginia ---- Dear Virginia: There was a Santa Claus, but he's dead now, thus providing a useful lesson on the value of aerobics and proper diet. Dogbert --------------------------- Dear Mr. Adams, I work for a government organization and can relate to Dilbert, but this Dogbert character has been consistently serving as a detraction from what really could be a very funny cartoon strip. If you must leave Dogbert in your strip, at least make his off-handed remarks either relevant or more appropriately humorous. Claude --- Dear Clod: I am very impressed that although you work for a government organization, you are not only open-minded and creative but you are an excellent critic of comic strip humor. Mr. Adams appreciates your valuable input in the area of his expertise and hopes that by following your sage direction, that one day he too can work for a government organization. And don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to lick the stamps before selling them. Dogbert Star Trek with Dilbert Management --------------------------------- Saint Diana of Wales offers this vision of what the 24th century would be like under today's management techniques. > After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak". > Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's record keeping as he's stripped for parts. > All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone. > Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a lot. > As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts. > Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims. > The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade. > As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows). > Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q and the Romulans. > A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later. > The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they're still only getting 3% raises. On a more serious note: A Special Holiday Story ----------------------- Once a year I like to do something that isn't just for laughs. If you'll switch gears with me, I'd like to share something with you that will help you find the holiday spirit. It was 1985. Wendy popped into my cubicle to tell me a little story. She had recently gone for a lunchtime walk with another secretary, Mary. They came upon a street person who said he was hungry and asked for some change. Mary didn't have any change, but she reached in her purse and gave him the sandwich she had prepared at home for her own lunch. As Wendy told me the story, there was a brief unspoken pause when we both thought and felt the same thing -- in all likelihood, that sandwich was the only food Mary could afford that day. Let me tell you about Mary. She is a deeply religious woman who was experiencing a thirty year run of bad luck that would make anyone question their faith. She was a single mother, working full time and barely making ends meet. It was not unusual for her to go a day without eating, though her toddler daughter never did. Evenings and weekends, as time allowed, Mary used to care for an elderly woman, cooking and cleaning for her. There was no compensation for this, nor could the old woman have afforded it. Mary did it because the old woman needed it and couldn't do it herself. That was all. Recently Mary tracked me down by phone and asked for some money. Naturally, it was for someone else -- another single mother who had some serious misfortunes lately and was trying desperately to keep her kids. Mary had already given all of her own money but it wasn't enough. As a last resort, she called me, having heard from media reports that I might have the means. I often think about Mary and the sandwich she gave to the street person years ago. I wonder if he appreciated it. And I wonder how long it was before Mary's next meal. And when I think about it I am glad to be a human being, as long as one of us is Mary. And then I realize her sandwich has fed me too. Last week it fed some children and kept them with their mother for the holidays. If you find something in the sandwich that feeds you too, consider adding Mary to your holiday greeting card list. Send her a card that says, "thanks for the sandwich." Mary's theory is that when you do things for other people, good things come back to you in unexpected ways. That hasn't happened for her yet. I think it's time. To maintain her privacy, I set up a mail box address for this purpose. I'll have the cards forwarded to her. Yes, she's a real person, fortunately. I promise. Mary 1325 Imola Ave West Box 509 Napa CA 94559 Sending Ideas for Dilbert ------------------------- Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who took the time. I'm sorry I can't give personal responses to all of you.) The best suggestions are ***BRIEF*** theme ideas, not dialogue or long stories. If something made you mad or amazed or amused today -- and you can explain it in a paragraph or less -- it's probably good fodder. And I'd love to see it. Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never disclose names. Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from receiving the newsletter, because I get more than a thousand messages a day in that period. Thanks! Dilbert Products ---------------- I've deleted the lengthy Dilbert product information section from the newsletter to save space. There's a Dilbert product in almost every category you can think of, including magnets, calendars, books, stuffed creatures, apparel and animated business videos. For details on how to find any of it, send an e-mail message to dil-product@unitedmedia.com with the subject line of "Dilbert Products." Or check out the revised Dilbert Zone Web page at www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert. Also check your local bookstores, Hallmark stores, office and computer supply stores. ***************** General Dilbert Facts ******************* The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 1,400 papers in 35 countries. The author (that would be me) receives about 350 e-mail messages per day. I try to read all of my e-mail but it's a challenge. If you get a canned response, or no response at all, it just means my fingers are tired. If you get an incoherent answer it means I'm up late. If you ask multiple questions I often answer the one I like. Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from 1986 to June 1995, mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an engineer by education; I did the MBA thing. I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school. The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We were not childhood friends. I am not related to Douglas Adams. Despite what your friend says, I don't know him/her. Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths. They eat when nobody is looking. The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you. The boss character has no name. He's the same boss as the old boss, but his hair got pointier over time. Dogbert's breed is unspecified. Dilbert's company has no name. It's intentionally unclear what they do for a living, but Dilbert has a degree in Electrical Engineering from MIT. Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert ---------------------------------------------------- The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use +1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use the strip or the characters. About the Dilbert List ---------------------- It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the cost of your own e-mail. I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please. The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel like it" which should be about three or four times a year. How to Subscribe Automatically ------------------------------ You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail with the address, subject and message shown: Address: listproc@internex.net Subject: Dilbert Message: subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow (except put your real name instead of Joe Blow). Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not specify it. The only thing you customize is your first and last name. Unsubscribing ------------- If you want to take your name off the list automatically, send an e-mail to listproc@internex.net but include only these words in the body of the message: unsubscribe Dilbert_List Put only the word "Dilbert" in the subject line. Getting Old Newsletters ----------------------- Old newsletters are only available on the Dilbert Web site: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/ I can't send back issues by e-mail for reasons you wouldn't believe if I told you. Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter -------------------------------------- If you tried unsuccessfully to subscribe to the newsletter just send e-mail to webmaster@unitedmedia.com and you'll be signed up manually. If you try to change your password (which you don't need to do, since only I can post to the list anyway) and you get a strange message saying you're not on the list, ignore it. It's a "feature." Reprinting This Newsletter -------------------------- Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of good netiquette. Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com Scott Adams O- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1,491 messages to read today. I need a hand massage. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/