| My Ramblings 4 |
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| July 25, 2002 Well another day and an new beginning here in Grand Falls NB. As you see I have changed not only my custom font colour and background. I felt there was a need for change today. I just finished reading a letter from a friend of mine who reawakened my awareness of my overwhelming happiness and positivity, but I feel that what he is talking about is there but just an act. I mean to my closet friends I explain that I do get upset and that I am not always happy and some of them see the me that I hide sometimes like this year when i nearly fell apart. Oh may not have looked like it, I may have seemed fine, but i was anything but fine. I guess its my own fault for not being more emotional, but I feel like I am showing too much if I do that so I continue to be the insensitive quiet person as most people know me. I guess my happiness can make people who are angry or sad upset or annoyed but what am i to do, I can only change so much before I start to lose myself to what the world and other people want of me. They want me to talk more, participate more, show more insight, more emotional and I can`t and i don`t know why and it bothers me so much. I feel like a walking ball of matter. invisable, with particles keeping me alive, but in effect I am not really alive. And this background kinda sucks when reading my writing, but that`s alright, because not many people are comming here to this site anyways, so yeah! Well I have two weeks and 3 days left in New Brunswick and then I get to finally go home. I must admit this has been quite an experience and one I would repeat, but not for such as long of a time. 6 weeks are hell! After 4 I am ready to go back home. I feel so tired now, I want to go home any home and lie down and chill out. My body hurts, I hurt and I think I better end this now, before I have no clue. But smarter just to do that. July 29,2002 Well this week-end has gone by in a haze and just further made me aware of limited time here. I don`t think I have accomplish or achieved everything I wanted and I guess on my part that was somewhat of a unrealistic expectation on my part but I opened up a bit more especially with Domanique within only a few days and even this week I guess you can say we are friends enough that we want to go shopping together. I am kinda anxious to go home now and this makes me nervous becasue I do want to go away for school kinda and what makes me think that if I can`t barely survive 2 weeks away from home what about 3 months or more? I mean what happens when my parents die or I have to move from Ontario due to work or maybe my husband`s job? Well the dreaded camping is this week-end and I wonder how I will ever survive. I don` like camping. I like the idea of it , but not the application of it. Call me a whimp, call me a city girl, call me lazy or a girly girl, I just don`t enjoy the out doors. I never have and I doubt even when I have my own kids I still won`t enjoy it I have 2 hours left here Grrrr!!!!!!!!!!! I wanna go home and lie down ( we are staying away from pills <pain killers> since my 8 pm knockout due to them) and read my book and hope that Domanique calls me and if not I guess I could call her and find out she still wants to do this thing. But unknown to her I hate phones, especially when I have to call someone I don`t usually call. Well late at night since their selection of cartoon disney movies only go so far I have been watching the Commonwealth games and like any sporting event I watch I sit there and wished I could perform at the level of excellence they do. Being the last child I have always felt cheated from particpating in outside school activities and sports and because by the time my parents came along they just couldn`t be bothered. I mean I have forever been interested in gymnastics, figure skating (which I had to beg to do for only 2 years) diving and the violin (which I know is not a sport, but you have understand my point here). Well I have grown tired of todays rant and believe it or not, I am kinda disappointed I didn`t get to see the Pope even though I am not Catholic but oh well all I have to say is that the next Pope has a hell of a lot to live up to. July 31,2002 Well It seems that it is the end of the month and time seems to also be moving twice as fast than it did only 5 weeks ago. Only 5 weeks ago today I hopped on a train to Québec made a couple of friends in my group, couldn`t sleep on a train, and had a real adventure in a province I would love to come back to, but I doubt I will ever in my life time. I would love to say I have grown as person, but I don`t think I have really. Sure I am talking more, sharing myself with other people, but as usually it has been a long painful process and as i see it will continue to be, even though I don`t want it to be. I guess my shyness is going to be my enternal problem the mountain I have to try to climb over instead of slinking back to the bottom of the mountain and going around. Well I was sittingin my host parent`s basement last night watching one of the best Disney films the Little Mermaid and of course singing along to it and then this line just struck me. "We are all complex enities (humans), on a search for happiness but in the process always end up giving up one thing will love for another" I have no idea in hell where that came from but yeah. Now thinking about it I could expand but I don`t feel like it. I feel tired again and fat. Mainly because my host parents eat the same time everyday and I don`t wanna be rude and not eat with them, even though I`m not hungary so the polite silent conforms to their silent requests. When will I stop this circle of behaviour. When will I change? Well I have been reading a couple of books this summer from the Client to Dean Koontz novels, which I have never really read before, but actually they are pretty good. They are not those English books with hidden themes and symbolism you have to unmask, but just a story full of suspense and good diaogue at times. Where you look for your own meaning. And I guess I like those types of books where you read something and it means something completely different than the person beside you. Just like looking at the clouds. I thought today`s entry was over but i was so wrong. Not only now am I getting a headache from my co-workers smoking but I just heard some unwanted news about the job I do back home . Even though I wish I could place names here or even slangs, these people would and the last thing I need is another conflict and more problems plauging my return home. Why couldn`t things on that front of my life stay the way they were. As one person kinda put it. I am the peace keeper of sorts between warring co-workers and I hate that position because it always happens that I am not on equal friendship with the people involved and I glad I know but I`m also upset that I know. The info just gave me an instant headache adding on to it is the fumes of the toxic cigarette smoke. I just want o bang my head against the wall and maybe I would have like 2 months ago. I would have done it so hard that my head would crack and start bleeding and in the end I would love it and relish the numb pain. It may sound bad, but when you are at a low point you don`t give to shit about crap like that. And damn I am regreting putting in that swear word, but I am not going to take it out. I hate swearing and yet I just did it. I am such a hyprocrite, but then again what human isn`t eh? Damn I don`t like it that I had to change the font style here so I can finish off this new found energy to complain, but hey I don`t have a pen or paper to write this crap down and since I am at the computer all day I might as well just write it here. But when I get home I am going print up all these ramblings of mine and place them in a huge duotang and read them in a few years and see if I have truly grown or if I a the same misunderstood, shy, silly girl and crazy girl who talks to herself like I was talking to another person has changed. Damn I must also be parinod because I swore a cat just ran into here also. My neck hurts and I feel like crying now and I have no flipping idea why. I guess it`s this song by Corey Hart playing (Black Cloud Rain) playing that has me in the mood. I just want a black cloud fill of rain to wash me clean, make me into the pure being I want to be, take away these thoughts and the pain. |