Two days before Easter changed to "Horribly
Depressing Friday"
It is no secret that two days before Easter is somewhat of
a bring-down. At some point, between the bunny and the chocolate,
developed a man; a man nailed to a cross. How this symbol developed
into a comfort icon, priests are still contemplating. Yet in
the quest of that answer, another question seemed to arise; how
is the death of a Christian savior "good"?
Charles Romeo, priest of Come-and be-Sacred-or-Die, the church
for all Christians, has this to say. "The fact that Jesus
died to save every soul thereafter is something in which to rejoice!
That's why we call it "good", so that their unclean
souls can be saved from the inevitable pits of Hell." When
asked if Jesus would save homosexuals, prostitutes, rapists,
murderers, lawyers, drunkards, children over twelve, or door
to door Mormons, he seemed to be speechless. "Jesus will
save who in his eyes is fit to be saved, which is all of his
children who pray to his Father. If they don't, then he will
save them anyway, in the hope that they can be turned to the
true way of our Creator." While in the bathroom, displayed
under the illegal video cameras, Romeo uttered these words, "stupid,
unclean, going to go to Hell no matter what Jesus does, going
to get them, those...." The Lemming's Wrath views this as
a good sign for humanity.
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Experts find that Jesus would have died despite Jews'
efforts
For 2000 years Jews have had to put up with royal crap from,
well, pretty much everyone. Reasons behind this madness? One
very basic one seems to shine: they killed Jesus. While, yes,
the Romans did the actual slaughter, the Jews gave him over to
their courts, as they couldn't find anything Jesus had done to
be illegal. In the hope to clear some things up, Pope John Henry
the 100th something, explained Jesus' death so even the very
stupid would understand.
"Most Christians find nothing wrong with Jews, but there
are those few who, against their sub conscience which is actually
very sane, have followers, weapons, and a lot of microphones.
Hitler is a very good example of this. He blamed the Jews for
Jesus' death, and was ready to do anything for vengeance, (this
is aside from being completely mad.) Despite the fact that he
took his ideas from a Jewish philosopher, he thought that the
Jews killed his messiah. It is now, and scientifically supported
I might add, proven that Jesus would have died without the Jews,
or the Romans, original slaughter. It is a comforting thought
that now this is cleared up, unless they piss anyone else off,
the Jews are safe from further abuse."
Aside from sleeping more comfortably at night, John Paul says
that we should also punish the Romans, even though they built
the roads.
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Tips on how to be a productive member in your
organized religion
During Easter, don't take the free "Jesus" video
that the Mormons sent you out to bat.
Avoid any confrontation with the mafia, believe me, it's better
that way.
Either dress up or don't dress up for your Sabbath. If a large
lightening bolt perpetrates the ceiling during the service, wear
the opposite.
Don't display Easter bunnies on a cross in the middle of your
yard.
Eat lots of candy during the holidays, but make sure you thank
someone(holy) for it.
Avoid nuclear catastrophe...in other words, don't piss of
the 'rabs.
There will always be religious wars, accept it.
Never accept anything told to you in advice columns.
Give to the Christian Coalition, how else would they get their
commercials?
Pray every day, either that or avoid eating anything with
eyes.
Remember that everything you read on the internet is correct,
and always will be.
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Jesus' father found to have performed sagitory
rape on Mary
Each Christmas, it is not unusual to hear the singing of Silent
Night ringing through the air. It holds not only comfort, beauty,
but a melody that everyone knows and holds close to their kidneys.
Despite the love for this song, when the actual words were surveyed,
people found something that didn't quite match up.
"In the first verse, it says, 'round young virgin mother
and child'," comments Ima Tissue of the Words Matching up
Foundation, "and this doesn't quite make sense in my mind.
I'm not going to go onto an anatomy lesson or anything, but to
be a virgin mother, well, that is, eh, not possible in the whole
realm of possibleness. The song speaks of Mary and Jesus as the
mother and child, and if G-d is Jesus' father, unless Mary had
consent, well, we can't make exceptions to the law. Mary, speaking
from the times, was probably no older than 15, while G-d, well,
my guess is that he's not still a minor." Lawyers are now
scrambling in their textbooks in the hope to find G-d a way out.
(I apologize to every Christian, Catholic,
Mormon, or anyone in that general category, I don't mean to single
out your religion, it is just so easy to do so. I could do the
same thing with every other belief if it helps; I can even do
it will good 'ole, atheisms. Organized religion is funny, just
like Cheerios.)
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