Backpacks Banned in Sole Purpose of Making
Children Miserable
Before the start of the '00/'01 school year, schools country
wide made a decision that children, nurses and doctors everywhere
will perk their ears in interest. For years and years physicians
have laid claim to theorys that backpacks are a key player in
children and adults back problems alike. It is only now that
they have decided to put a restriction on these harmful tools.
"I believe this to be a revolutionary idea to rid people
of their pain over a just period of time," quotes Dusty
Mop, in charge of the Ban Backpack and Make Children scurry Back
to Their Lockers Climbing 8 Flights of Stairs and then Getting
Yelled at for Being Late Association. "I'm sure that children
will be grateful."
"The hallways are way too crowded with backpacks sticking
in every direction. We believe that this restriction will be
a notible part in hallway space, and will bring the children
closer together as they huddle to collect their fallen books."
says nurse Patrick, "I personally am looking forward to
making them scramble."
Because of the number of schools taking interset in this policy,
schools are now offering a class on how to shove eight classes
worth of books into three foot lockers. Pricipals everwhere are
looking forward to the new school year, and this new life saver
of a policy.
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Ralleys Get Out of Hand as People Urge the
U.S. to Get a Real Name
Last Wednesday night, police officers in the Washington area
were scrambling to break up one of the largest ralleys since
Reagan claimed that ketchup was a vegetable.Their purpose: change
the name of the U.S.
"What kind of name is the United States of America anyway?
I mean, half the time it's The U.S.A or the U.S or America (wherever
we got that one I don't know) or even the United States, but
how united are we anyway? Look at Great Britain. How far did
their adjective get them? We're jinxing ourselves to end up like
Europe, G-d help us all."
"Besides," adds onlooker Getta Job, "statistics
show that 78% of our high school graduates can't find Canada!
My Lord, I knew that the U.S was screwy, but Canada? Therefore,
I believe that we should change our name into TOBC, The One Below
Canada. One sylable, no other nick names, it even has a European
feel to it that would be in the best interest for trade agreements.
I'm all for TOBC." Other names that were requested consisted
of- The Big 50, Move Here, We're not Cuba, You Could be an Intern,We're
not Englend, We Grow Stuff, We're not Australia, Our Tea Prices
Are Low, and At least it's not in the UK.
(I would just like to apologize to anyone
who lives in England, Cuba, Australia, the UK, Canada, Great
Britian, Europe, or a mixture. I have to live here. You should
feel special that you don't.)
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4th of July Put on Hold as Fireworks Blow
up Lincoln Memorial
This 4th of July gave Wasington a whole new meaning of freedom
as our own Lincolm Memorial was blown to no more than folicles
of granite. Government officials are now looking into possible
causes, although most of the American people aren't quite thick
enough to not understand what really happened.
"Um, we, and I'm sleeping, I mean speaking for the elected
Washington officials, believe that there was an accident. Maybe
it was hooligans, earlier that year we found another statue wearing
a thong, or maybe it was a posed threat. We're not quite sure
who excactly wanted to destroy the memorial, although we have
our suspicians. We are quite sure, though, that a stray firework
was probably the cause of the destruction." A witness, Sherry
Sweatsalot, had a bit of a different opinion.
"I don't quite think that a stray firework is sabatoge.
Besides, who would even want the big guy to be blown up? The
Canadians? Yah, right, and I'm Clinton's new intern. All I saw
was a burst of light, for all I know it could've been Jesus."
Poloticians are now exploring the possibility that it really
was a message from the Really Big Guy, and have desided to put
up body guards around the other memorials on the other major
holidays. They especially believe that Christmas could be dangerous.
(I Love America.)
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