Issue 2
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Last Friday morning, Peter Check of the Rifle Association and founder of Save the Penguins organization, came upon a heart-wrenching sight as he was taking a stroll close to the border of the North Pole. Santa Clause was found completely whipped and stripped of red (it's a good thing he was used to the climate) about a mile away from his workshop. "It was a very emotional time for me. This man had been my hero for thirty seven years, and there he was almost naked and as drunk as a graduating football star known to eat pizza through his nose. It was, to say the least, surprising." As Check investigated further, he found, tucked in Santa's knickers, Amnesty's card, and was quickly flown back to the US to act upon his suspicions. "I just knew that something had to be done." As the trial of Amnesty vs Santa traveled up through the courts, Check was surprised to see the amount of support for Santa, instead of the world renoun organization. "I was surprised to see the amount of support for Santa, instead of Amnesty." It was found that only the Asian countries had some support for Amnesty. "This Santa fellow, does he help everyone as Amnesty does, or just the Christians and a few other religions. They were just checking to see if he would be a good candidate." Despite their pleas, Amnesty International was fined $1000 and had to make a formal apology in a warm, supervised area. Since this case has come up, the Save the Whale foundation has also made similar claims. |
The Care Bears, star characters in an old series entitled, The Care Bears, were found at Bon Jovi's recent tour to New York, completely wasted. Sleepy Time Bear was apparently leading them all, and was discovered, sleeping in the almost punch refreshment table, while the others were found stage jumping in only their fur and paws into a large crowd of fans. As the police dragged them away, only one cry could be heard "I'm sick of rainbows!" The television corporation took this to mean that they weren't just drinking the punch, but it was later discovered that they were referring to their show. "How would you like to be three feet tall and stuck in Hollywood, arriving at the same set every day with each script full of love and support. Ya, like a couple of bears will really conquer all evil, gimme a jackhammer and I might, though. And I bet you won't believe this, but a few times our producer has given us 'special' brownies to stop our complaints. Is this really what you people want your kids learning? It's not like I don't have problems too, just yesterday, hey, don't you cut me off you (edited for content) pigeon (edited for content) lousy (edited for content,) you'll see what I mean when your wife runs off with big bird." The Care Bears' name has now been changed to The Caring When They're Sober Bears, and although they never officially aged so can't be counted as anything, PBS has taken them off the air. They would also like to mention that it was Sleepy Bear who brought in the brownies. |
If ever you find yourself walking down the street, please remember to check for these characteristics if you want to avoid anyone who could like you of the same sex. Always look out for..... 2 eyes 1 mouth 1 nose hair (optional) clothing (optional) 2 hands 2 feet 2 arms 2 legs shoes (optional) fingernails (optional) bodily hair (optional) bony, fat, muscular or weak complexion. And always remember to watch out in case any man or women ever has a sense of humor at all sexual if you are of the same gender. You just never know when they could make an advance. Warning- these traits sometimes falter. You don't know if some of them were in a war and lost something important. (I'm talking about a limb, you sick pig.) |
The recent movie Blair Witch, has now officially been banned in 48 of the contiguous states. The other two, politicians claim, aren't really part of this country anyway. Motives? Steven Spielburg, a much more notable producer, has this to say. "The movie was a mockery of television everywhere. Any man with half a brain can give some bozo a camera and have the 'actors' say 'I'm so afraid' close enough to see their nose hairs. Come on people! This is a disgrace to good Christian films. I completely support the ban." Robert Gurdom, a visual tec man, agrees. "It was not the most, well, it was not the most." The television industry, although some appeared to have liked the film, reported that on the whole, they all agreed on one comment. "Bad script, okay actors, mediocre plot line, fear level of a baby in a cradle, and although some people liked it, well, whatever." The makers of Blare Witch were undoubtedly upset, but the deciding pole taken had 68% of all people agree that Hollywood must have been stoned when they put the movie out, and so Blare Witch was banned without parole. (I would just like to apologize for mentioning Blair Witch, PBS, and anything homosexual more that three times in the first two issues. It's not my fault PBS puts out interesting shows, Blare Witch is, well, yes, and homosexuality has been a big topic in my state. I'm sorry, but not that sorry.) |