Youth Group Attacked by Satan
Friday the thirteenth is, based on superstition, a superstitious
time. Between witches and warlocks, werewolves and pre-school
children, people have much to fear, and last Saturday these fears
came to life. As a fervent youth group was taking a hike on the
notorious Sort-of-White-but With-a-Speckled-of-Green-Mountain,
the children came upon a circle of trees that appeared almost
like a tentacle, and started to fear for the worst.
"We all know what can happen with those kinds of omens"
explained youth group leader, "and I, for one, began to
worry about the group's safety. The kids were so panicked, we
decided to stay near the trees for the night for their protection.
I thought that we made the best decision." Yet as the group
soon found out, they should have stayed clear of the forest.
"It wasn't long before we heard a chanting sort of whistle,
but it wasn't English, and that certainly scared me. But still,
we told the kids it was the wind and tried to believe it ourselves.
Soon even the parents found that it was too difficult to sustain
our wind theory when we heard a strange howling from the woods.
We all knew that there hadn't been any cayotte spotted there
for months. It was very spooky."
As the group grew restless, a few of the kids went off to
explore their surroundings, and found, much to their dismay,
a village of mushrooms that almost resembled a man with horns.
"After the kids showed me their findings, we all decided
just to brave the journey home, but no longer will I laugh about
Blair Witch, we could have sworn that someone was following us!
One boy fell and sprained his wrist. The funny thing is, none
of us remember seeing a root or anything for him to trip on.
It was so dark and we were all so panicked, I swear, if we weren't
G-D fearing people we wouldn't have made it home." From
this day forward, the youth group swears that they will never
set foot on the mountain, and recently, the town decided to ban
that area for the safety of the people.
(This is dedicated to the kid in my class
who swore that the Blare Witch Project could have happened.)
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Update on News
Recent polls taken about the Clinton scandal show that people
really don't care. It was also mentioned that they never did.
An update on school shootings reports that the counselors
and police patrolling the schools really aren't going to do squat
for the people who need help.
For all the sports fans of the world, it was recently reported
that wrestlers are going to change their names to, "we're
not gladiators, we're paid."
Most importantly, California is going to change it's motto
to "Just because we're sinking, have tremendous numbers
of earthquakes and supply most of the world's pollution, move
here! We have movie stars."
A recent advance in science brings forth the prospect that
to cut down the world's population, they should just let tobacco
companies do their magic.Their new motto is "smoking kills,
let it."
A new theme on Broadway was discovered yesterday when Mike-Tyson-Does-
Shakespeare opened with "Lend me your ears!"
Public schools problems with kids' attention spans getting
shorter was recently dismissed with Clinton's helpful "duh."
The man who thought himself to be Superman's sidekick "Mediocre-man"
died last week when he tried to save a child from throwing a
baseball in the street, and instead of stopping the ball, jumped
in front of the car.
It was recently found that kids really don't care about current
events when explained in school.
Dr. Kavorkian was found innocent of putting a gerbil who had
kidney cancer down. He explained that he was an animal lover.
It was also discovered that no one can be 'found innocent'
because in America you're innocent until proven guilty. Wait
a minute........
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Purple Demons Editorial
Every parent dreads it; every state senator fears it; every
ex lies in wait for the day when friends or foe walk into their
house and says, "I'm different." Yes, that's what I
mean: HOMOSEXUALITY. Should we blame the internet, genetics,
birth, Canada, no oh no, Tinky Winkey is the one to blame. This
children's show has been corrupting our population for over a
year now. Twisting their minds subliminally, sending thoughts
that different is okay. Are we going to sit back and let our
children be molested with thoughts from PBS? NO! Senator O' Hara,
United States' Geometric and KKK website ringleader, has this
to say on the subject.
"Purple is of course, indisputably, the color of Satan,
and if we want our children to go to Heaven not H-E-double-toothpicks,
we must take action and support our children. Because we cannot
completely ban the color purple, we must take away something
that isn't completely necessary. Therefore, the Geometric committee
and I have decided that we will have to ban all triangles. We
compromised on purely equilateral, but it took a fair amount
of work, and we hope the American people will be proud of our
endeavors. It will, no doubt, be rough for a while, but the Public
School system can do anything it darn well wants to, and they
will just have to do this to help save our children." Along
with this action against 'the unusual,' the American people have
decided to ban all Discovery channel shows along with PBS, claiming
that they are inappropriate for children. Politicians believe
the next thing to go will be the French channel. Anything to
protect our children..........
(This is dedicated to my state.)
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Elian Moves to Russia
Cuba or America, where should the six year old Cuban make
to be his home? For months (and months and months) this topic
has tied up the courts with confusion from each party, going,
for the most part, absolutely nowhere. Recent reports are now
concluding that the boy has other options, and Janet Reno is
behind them.
"I was just sitting at a Star bucks with George W. Bush,
when he started to talk about Elian's family who lives in Russia.
I think that this could definitely be an option for his home."
At first, the judicial system decided to dismiss Bush's claims,
mostly because the man doesn't have the attention span to read
children's novels, but after a careful study, it looks as if
Elian may be going home after all.
"The Miami citizens don't want him to go with his father,
his father doesn't want him to go with the Miami relatives, it's
just very difficult to make everyone happy. Now that it is found
that the child's mother's, half sister's, child's, nephew has
a big house with lots of room, wants a child, it is understood
that both parties will get what they want with this solution.
Things are finally looking up. (It would have been much easier
if the kid was from Hati, though, then we could have just shipped
him back.)" Equiped with these new and enlightening details,
it seems that Janet Reno will soon confirm Elian's new home.
And so the ordeal comes an end, a happy one at that.
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