"How can you still be in love with me after all this time?"

I quickly look up from twirling my fettuccine carbonara and give you a perplexed look; I'm not expecting a question like that. I take a sip of juice before speaking, thinking. How can you ask a question like that when the wedding is less than a couple of weeks away?

"I don't know. I just do." I reply. I look deep into your eyes to emphasize how much I still love you, before asking, "Why?"

Just then you drop your eyes and begin to play nervously with the ring on your left hand. I give a small smile when I notice it was your engagement ring-a simple solitaire diamond ring with the kanji of "Eien ni Ai shiteru" engraved inside. I should know since it was I of course who persuaded the jeweler to engrave it; and the delighted expression you gave when you received the ring was worth the price and patience.

"I-I don't k-know." You stammer. "I-I just t-thought that you...that anyone...would have lost their patience with me a long time ago."

I lean back slightly on my seat. You look up briefly and meet my eyes; you see the smiling yet sad expression on my face.

What you said was true. Most people, especially me, after several years, would have given up waiting and stopped loving someone who they knew would never love them back. But I, a person with very short patience, had waited and loved you for quite a long time-from the time we meet in high school until this very day. For more than ten years have I waited and never given up, hoping that one day you would also return the same feelings I have for you.

As it has always been, nature has stood witness to everything that happened to man and it has stood witness to our first meeting as well as our partings and reunions. Just as often as the cycle of nature turns and repeats so does the cycle of our lives, experiences, joys, grieves, partings and reunions. Nature has often found me daydreaming and wishing for you. Now, it has found me again with you, the sun shining just like that day I first met you; the end of one circle and the beginning of another.

I shake my head wearily and give a wry smile. I lean forward and place my hands on top of your intertwined ones. I just notice how big my hands are compared to yours and how white I am-now I know why I sometimes look like a ghost. You look startled as I lift both of your hands from the table and envelope them in mine. I hold them tightly as if I am afraid that if I even relaxed my hold minutely, you will change into a bird and fly away.

"Don't you remember I told you that I would love you forever? That as your ever loyal 'ninja,' I would serve, protect and love you as long as I live?" I know I'm starting to sound really corny and cheesy, but still I continue. "I have sworn to myself that I would love you forever and only you."

You smile at me then, your first real happy smile I've seen on your elfin face since the day of the proposal-your other smiles seem fake compared to this. Everything seems to fall away leaving just the two of us when I see you smile like that.

Then I realize it was not me you were smiling at; I turn in my seat to see him, your fiancé, making his way across the restaurant towards us. I pull my hands away from you and clench them beneath the tablecloth, seething silently.

The bastard who stole you away from me is approaching us with this huge grin on his face. The bastard who stole you away from me, kisses you on the cheek. And you kiss the bastard back; kissed the only man who you could love back and who could give you the happiness I could never give you.

"Sorry to have kept you waiting. I hope I didn't make you wait too long." He asks graciously. I glower at him but he merely smiles back.

"Of course not." You reply to him. "Anyway, it gave us time to catch up with one another. Right?" you smile at me and I couldn't help but smile back and nod even if there was this empty feeling that was starting eat me inside.

"Great. Shall we go then?" he asks, smiling so good-naturedly that its starting to annoy me that I could ignore the empty ache in me.

You nod. "I'll be right behind you." You say. After he leaves to take care of the car, you turn to me once more, your dark eyes hidden. Silence moves between us once more as it usually did years before.

Once again, I feel the ache of losing you, of never ever having you; but this time I know it was for real and there would never be another chance of changing it. In two weeks you would be forever bound to the man you have chosen and I would be left alone with nothing but memories to comfort and haunt me.

You move to the empty seat next to me and take my hands. You loosen them from their earlier grip and we see that I've clenched them so hard that my nails broke through the skin. You look at me with sorrowful eyes filled with pity and I look away-I don't want to see you sad nor do I want your pity. My hands tremble as you wipe off the blood with a wet tissue. When you finish cleaning them you return them to my lap and you just sit there beside me for a few more silent moments.

"You're not mad, are you?" you ask.

I take a hard swallow before replying. "Of course not." I do not try to disguise my pain as I continue, my voice breaking every now and then. "How can I be mad when I can see how happy you are? Part of my promise was to make you happy and to protect your happiness. I know that I can never make you happy like he does so that's why I help him to make you happy whenever I can instead. I'll protect him, just as I protect you since he is what makes you happy." That's true, my promise, but why is it so hard to do now? Why does it hurt so much? I smile, vainly hiding my tears, as I turn to you. "Why should I be mad seeing that you have chosen your happiness well?"

"Thank you." You whisper, head bowed low. Is it just my imagination or are you crying as well?

"Hurry up. You shouldn't keep him waiting outside all afternoon." I say, trying to lighten our moods, but I was never really good at this, among other things.

"Uh, yeah..." You stand up. I try to give you a whole-heartedly happy parting smile, but I failed miserably. "I still hope you could come to the wedding." You say. "I really would want to see you there. I know you wouldn't like to be a bride's maid or the maid of honor, but I really wish you'd be there."

I give you another small smile; it seems that's all I can give now. You look so sincere that I know I can't say "no" to you. "I'll try."

You bite your lower lip. "I'm really so sor..."

"Don't apologize." I cut you off. "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It's just that it's part of life; a twist of fate. We can never change things that have already been done nor can we change present.

"Don't worry, I have long accepted my fate and the truth. I have only blinded myself with fantasies and false memories. "But now, I think I have really grown; I've learned to accept the truth and I must now learn how to move on."

You look surprised; I almost thought you'd cry. Instead you hug me give me a smile, a real smile, not as radiant as the ones you give your beloved, but real nonetheless-real and heart-felt. "Thank you. Thank you very much. For everything."

After the initial shock, I too smile and return the embrace. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply, memorizing how it feels to be so close to you, your warmth, memorizing your scent, knowing that this is the first and last time I'll be able to be with you like this. "No...Thank you. For being the reason for my existence."

You laugh as you pull away from me. "You're so damn poetic and dramatic, you know that?" I don't know if the tears you're wiping off are laugh tears or...

"Yeah, I know." I somehow manage to give her a bigger smile.

"I think I better leave now." I nod, still with the smile, as you move past me. At the door of the restaurant you look back and waved; I wave back. Outside, I see your fiancé approach you and open the car door for you-a perfect gentleman. I watch as the car pulls away from its parking space and you drive off.

Once you're away the empty feelings and pain come rushing back. I sit there alone in the restaurant, silent, for almost half an hour before ordering a whole bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. I drank that alone. After finishing the bottle, I order another and maybe another after that. I didn't bother check how much I drank after that second bottle; I need something to drown my pain even for just a while.

It's obvious that I'm depressed; that I'm hurting. I know I shouldn't be after telling you...but, wait. I told you I wasn't mad, that was true; I'm not mad at you, for finding your happiness even if it's not with me nor am I mad at the world for giving me such a cruel fate. I'm not mad. However, I didn't tell you how hurt I really am; how much this empty ache in me eats me up everyday until one day all that is left of me is an empty shell of what I was before.

Heh...another lost opportunity. I thought I was finally able to tell you everything, but still, in the end, there was still so much left unsaid and unknown. I wasn't even able to wish you all the best for your marriage nor was I able to tell your bastard groom to protect you and love you as much as I did or else he's dead. I wasn't even able to kiss the bride.

Hell, the alcohol must be getting to me... I'm beginning to rant. There's still the wedding day for me to do everything else, right? I unsteadily raise my last full glass of wine as if in a toast. "To the bride and groom, may you have all the happiness in the world!" And as I bring the glass to my lips, I muttered, "And to the biggest loser in the world, may you have more miseries to come!" I empty the glass, the fine wine tasted foul in my mouth. I ask for the check, give the waiter some bills and leave without waiting for the change.

The sun is still quite bright outside and it hurt my drunken eyes which was used to the darkness of the restaurant. I put on my shades but it worsened my blurring vision. I don't care. I hurt too much to care.

I cross the street, too buried in my thoughts, my memories, my pain; and my senses too dulled by alcohol that I never noticed the speeding truck coming towards me as I step off the curb...

end