Have you ever had that feeling that when you look at someone, he's both near and far?

I absently watch the kids play. I've always enjoyed coaching but for some reason, my mind has been drifting off lately. I sigh. Something's amiss. Or maybe it is just a question I cannot answer.

Who are you?

Another sigh. It's even bigger than the last.

Something hit me hard square on the face. Something that resembles the weight of a soccer ball. I wince. The next thing I know is the sound of their laughter. I open my eyes and see them gathered around me.

"Ken-niisan's a good coach, ne? But he's clumsy enough to get himself hit!" One of the kids, Makoto, comments while the rest giggle.

"He has that far-off look, didn't you see?" another kid whispers excitedly, as if he has stumbled upon the greatest mystery ever.

At that point, I think it is.

"So that would mean that Ken-niisan must be..."

A chorus of "In love!" followed by mad laughter is heard.

I smile. Cute kids. They think they've got it all figured out. I wish I could.

They all begin to ask questions.

"Who is she?"

"What does she look like?"

"Won't you get sick if a girl kisses you?"

Silly kids. If I tell them the truth, what would they do?

"I know who it is! It's that girl with big blue eyes and wears her cap backwards. She always wait for Ken-niisan after practice." this is said triumphantly.

I freeze. I've been found out. I smile nonetheless. "Omi-niisan," I say, giving emphasis on the word that definitely denotes male, "is not my girlfriend. He's my...." My voice trails as I search for the word.

What? Who are you?

I finally settle on a word that hurt me the most. "Friend."

A chorus of "Oh..." is heard.

"And now it's getting late so I guess that would be it for today. Because you hit me real hard," I try to appear stern but have completely failed. It's my own fault anyway. "You'll have to practice harder tomorrow, okay?" It's lame. But the kids seem happy about it, hearing their enthusiastic "Hai!".

I watch them leave, happily chatting among themselves. I sigh and walk over to the goal, sit there and hug the ball that offended me earlier. And my mind starts to drift off again.

Who are you? Who am I to you?

A little too close to be called a friend but lesser than a lover? Someone in between? It is unsettling. And my mind is a wreck because of it.

By rights, I should hate you for making me feel like this-building up my hopes then crushing them. But I can't bring myself to. Maybe because we're both lost.

I've seen you how you look at me-I've looked at you that way, too. But we never get the meaning across. There will always be that space between us. I've held you once, thinking it was worry. You've held me that way before too, so why not? But then, you've avoided my eyes. And we never talk about it. It's just left hanging...fill in the blanks.

I can't say it. You can't say it either. So better stop, right?

...Then, you will come, squeezing my hand, telling me that everything will be ok.

And there it goes again.

This will have to stop. I am making a fool out of myself. I try to smile and nod to myself, thinking that maybe I've finally arrived at the perfect decision.

And then, I notice you approaching me, smiling gently. You laugh at my current state, with patches of mud on my face. You reach out and took my hand, as if it is the natural thing for you to do, hauling me up. "What happened to you?"

As I narrate the events while we walk, I can feel my resolution getting weak. It turns so feeble that the account of you being mistaken for my "girlfriend", the one I've wanted to skip, slips from my mouth.

You just laugh. While you reach out trying unsuccessfully to wipe that speck of dirt on my left cheek, you lean in close and whisper, "The kid got it all wrong. I think, between you and me, you play the girl."

And there I go again.

"Shut up, Omi!" I hiss, blushing furiously. "You really shouldn't hang around with Yoji all the time. He's been teaching you all that stuff, hasn't he?" I retort, trying to cover up my embarrassment. This only makes you laugh even more.

As we approach Koneko, I notice a flash of light wavy brown hair. You must have seen it too...you release my hand. I sigh inwardly. I should be used by now but still...

"Ah, my favorite couple! How about sharing a kiss for your fans?" Yoji greets as we enter the shop. He is grinning mischievously. He must have spotted us before we...you let go of my hand.

I sigh again. I should be used to his teasing. Among us three, Yoji is the only one who could see it clearly. It is really hopeless.

You merely stick your tongue out and push me away from him, heading towards the door that would lead to the backroom.

Your action does not stop Yoji from teasing. "Of course, the fans would understand if you two wanted to be alone. Go ahead, we don't mind." He snickers. "Just don't make too much noise!" he adds for a good measure.

I can feel my cheeks burning. Stupid Yoji, giving me stupid ideas. Giving you stupid ideas...I turn to you. You don't seem to mind. You just go over the sink, wet the handkerchief you've managed to produce and start to clean my face.

There are no words between us. Like it's been already understood. And maybe, you do. But I don't.

And so, there you go again.

The silence is suddenly broken. "Ken, I..." Your words trail, dreading me. I keep chanting to myself, say it, say it.

And then, Aya bursts into the room. "Birman's here." His face is grim.

"We have to go." You finish.

I sigh yet again. When I leave the room, I can see Yoji closing the shop. Even Mr. Playboy has a grim look on his face.

Sometimes, I think I'm being selfish. Aya and Yoji and even you are doing your jobs and here I am thinking about you. So much for my being, I almost snort, "crusader of justice". And I angrily remember that I do my job albeit a little clumsy at times but that's because I'm thinking of...I sigh for God knows how many times. I wish I could do my job properly. I wish I could be clumsy again because I'm a natural klutz and not because I'm distracted.

All I've managed to gather are bits of the mission briefing. Relief floods in me when I hear Aya volunteer for the job. It is, after all, a one-man job. I can see you look at me worriedly, the light from the television set is enough to see the one seated beside you clearly. I feel you place a hand on my knee. I smile ruefully. So this is how it's going to be. Sharing comfort in the dark, where no one can see us. Would you regret removing your hand when the light is turned on?

I wish Yoji didn't turn on the lights. The warmth has completely vanished from where it was.

Yoji bids us good night, muttering about "there isn't any woman to be saved after all". I rise as well from the couch, thinking I might as well sleep this off. After excusing myself, I head towards the exit. I begin to think about all the sighs I've made for this day alone. I assume that the number that I would come up for the sighs would be the same number of times of having my hopes built then having them besieged. Maybe I should distance myself from you. Things begin to look stupid when you're not around. It's amazing to see how my brain does work when I'm alone.

...And then you've caught up with me, my movement is resisted by your hand holding my arm.

"Ken, you've been quiet. I'm sorry about Yoji's teasing and everything." Anxiously, you ask "Is everything ok?"

I smile at you, seeing the worry so clear in your blue eyes. "Of course, Omi."

You smile back. Then, all of a sudden, you wrap your arms around my waist and snuggle close. "Just wanna say good night, Ken."

Absently, I wind my arms around you as well. "Have you ever had that feeling that when you look at someone, he's both near and far?" I almost slap my forehead. It's also quite amazing to see how my brain does not work when I'm with you.

I feel you smile against my chest. "Aa. But I think, sometimes, the distance is getting closer."

I sigh, my hold on you tightens.

Here we go again.

end

NOTE:
The line "the distance is getting closer" is from the song "China" by Tori Amos. I couldn't exactly remember the line but I think it resembles the line I've used.