"MY PHONY VALENTINE"

If the rules of romance were taken as seriously as rules of law, 99% of new lovers would be pursuing fraud claims against their partners.  Why?  Because with everyone on their best behavior in the early stages of a relationship, what we see is seldom what we get.  Protect your legal and emotional rights.  Enter into relation-ships with open eyes and informed consent.  Require all suitors to execute the "Truth-In-Loving Disclosure Statement", as follows: TRUTH-IN-LOVING DISCLOSURE STATEMENT: I, the undersigned paramour, hereby agree to abide by the time-honored romantic tradition of completely misrepresenting who I am at the be-ginning of our relationship, to be increasingly candid in the middle stages, and to finally reveal my stunning array of character defects, true beliefs, and annoying quirks at the end.  This agreement shall be fully implemented within six (6) months, being the estimated time it will take for our eternal, undying love to change to bitter resentment.

1.   Ridiculously early in our relationship, I covenant to begin calling you my soul mate, even though neither I nor my 29 previous soul mates have any clue as to what that word means. 2.   When asked why my prior relationships didn't work out, I shall state, "We had different goals", failing to mention that one of mine is to sabotage all re-lationships. 3.   I will tell you that I love all the little things you do, when in fact, I hate all the little things you do, especially the way you (choose one or more):  talk incessantly, squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle, hog the remote, finish my sentences, etc. 4.   Men:  I shall misrepresent to you that I love to communicate, listen to Yanni, and most especially, dance.  Women:  I shall misrepresent to you that I have a deep and abiding interest in the standings, statistical leaders, and weekly injury reports for all major sports. 5.   I will insist with a straight face that I never want to try to change you, even as my list of suggestions for improving your appearance, personality and lifestyle approaches the 10,000 mark. 6.   I shall pretend to find it cute how your cat climbs all over me while I'm sucking on an asthma inhaler at the same time your dog is attempting to have intimate relations with my leg. 7.   We shall talk on the phone at the following frequency:  first month, five times per day; second month, three times per day; third and fourth months, once per day; fifth month, when I need a ride; sixth month, when I forget to check my Caller ID. 8.   In the second month, I agree to begin combining the words "committed" and "you" in the same sentence.   I promise not to add "mental institution" to such sentence until after the fifth month. 9.   In months one and two, we shall engage in frequent, excessive public displays of affection.  During months three to five, such displays shall decline in direct proportion to number of syllables we utter to each other while dining out.  In month six, excessive displays shall resume, but only with persons not party to this agreement. 10.  I will see only the good in your numerous negative qualities until the six month, at which point I will come to the startling realization that your playfulness is really imaturity, your caring is co-dependence, and your confidence is actually narcissism. ll.  At all relevant times, I shall confuse love with lust. Signed:  (Him) ____________________  (Her) ________________________