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| "CAT TALES" |
| If left up to my own devices, I would probably have never owned an animal. I'm not necessarily a "pet" person. But my kids were always dragging home strays and I've always had a dog or a cat or two around. I always preferred dogs to cats, until a kitten named "Bandit" came into our life about 10 years ago as a little ball of black and white fluff. |
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| I think the main thing that made me a "cat" person is that Bandit never thought he was a cat. He always assumed he was Ginger's little brother. He endured being dressed in baby clothes and carried around, and even went for a couple of tumbles in the dryer before we heard his indignant meow and rescued him. Now that Ginger is grown and gone, me and Bandit are a team. I feed him. He eats. He listens while I gripe about my day at work. He wakes me up in the middle of the night when he wants to go out and prowl. Yes, he's neutered, but it never really registered with him. He still knows a female cat is good for something, but he forgot what for. Which is just as well. |
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| "BASIC RULES FOR CATS RUNNING A HOUSE" |
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| The truth of the matter is that I have grown to love this stupid cat over the years and it will devastate me when he grows old and dies. I will feel like I have lost a best friend. People tell me that Bandit is spoiled. And it's also true that I would go without food before I would leave Bandit's dish empty (which is probably why he needs the treadmill as much as I do). But in this house, if the cat ain't happy, honey, nobody's happy, and that's the truth. |
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| CHAIRS & RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage to get into a chair fast enough, get to an oriental rug. If no oriental rug, shag is good. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. This is particulary important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season. It is also good if your owner is standing there in her ratty old housecoat and rollers hoping the neighbors won't see her. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Jump up in that human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish 'n Glop on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric colors that contrast well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I just love kitties", be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you allow me on the table when company isn't here...". Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This way you stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can possibly lie across the book itself. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a spare ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. PLAY: It is important. Try to get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing chase-toes-under-the-cover or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2 and 4 a.m. If you begin people training early, you will have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early enough and are consistent. Copyright - Cynthia B. Whitney |
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| "BANDIT TRAVERS" |
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| ~~ There is no snooze button on a cat that wants breakfast ~~ Unknown ~~ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~~ Anonymous ~~ Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. ~~ Jeff Valdez ~~ In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. ~~ English proverb ~~ There are many intelligent species in the world. They are all owned by cats. ~~ Anonymous ~~ I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic. ~~ ~~ Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. ~~ |
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| ~~ I CHOOSE THE CAT ~~ |
| You're as close to perfect as most men get, and bells started ringing the moment we met; you're neat and you're sweet, except for the fact that, for some strange reason, you hate my cat. You say cats are sneaky, and selfish, and sly, and that they won't look you in the eye; you think dogs much nicer is what you've said, and the only good cat is one that is dead. Well, let me just tell you, dear man of mine, a cat doesn't gripe and a cat doesn't whine. He won't look at another with lust in his eye, or hog all the covers, or tell me a lie. And if I must choose between you, love, or him, I really must tell you our future looks grim. You're neat and you're sweet, but I'll hand you your hat; He's not as much trouble...I choose the cat. copyright 1993 - Pattianne Travers |
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| It is with terrible sadness I have to tell you that my precious Bandit went over the Rainbow Bridge in November, 2003. I will never love another kitty as much as I loved him, although I will probably love another one or two. But he will always be the ruler of my kitty heart. |