Diary Of Usagi

 

 

by Demarie

 

Who am I? No, really. I seem to be asking myself that question more and more lately. Am I what I want to be, or am I who they want me to be? Its hard trying to pull off this one big charade that is called my life. If I asked my friends that very question they would laugh, and respond with, "Usagi, you prune! You're Sailor Moon, of course!" with an accompanying thump over the head. And so, is Sailor Moon all I really am? Will I ever be able to be just more than that? The answers to all my questions I will never know. If I even think harder, I am so many people in one, hypothetically speaking. I am a girl of many faces. The first and most obvious one is Usagi Tsukino, who I present to everyone in the whole world. And when evil calls, I am Sailor Moon... from which this came more aliases. Super Sailor Moon, Eternal Sailor Moon.

 

Now that I really, truly think of it, the moment I became Sailor Moon, my life and free will was taken away from me, in so many ways. The moment Luna walked into my life, I discovered my secret identities. Thousands of years ago, I was a princess... on a moon kingdom that I have heard such wonderful things about, and if there was a dark secret to this place it would not be uttered. There probably is a dark past to this kingdom that none of us know about, the scouts and I. I was princess Selenity... betrothed to prince Endymion of the earth. And in the future of a place called Crystal Tokyo, I am a queen. Neo-Queen Selenity. Wife of King Endymion. And there too must be some dark secrets that will lurk there. Or they already do.... My life seems to be going in complete circles, each and every person that I am, have been, will become.

 

My life is no longer mine, I live it to the wishes of others, for others. It is no longer my own. I have hurt so many people to be where I am now and against my free will. My life is totally devoted to others to insure their safety, and never once can I stop and take time out for myself. I am who they want me to be, doing as they wish. My free will is last. My wants and needs come last, with everyone else's in front of mine. The whole world comes before I do... the people, the Sailor Senshi and Tuxedo Kamen along with the cats, my friends and family, then long at last me, at the bottom of my list. I cannot really rate which of these is more important. But what is for sure is that I am last, and will always come last. To all, I am the puppet and they hold the strings. Maybe that is because I am too kind... my 'pure' heart did create a crystal that was purer than the Purity Chalices.... Every battle I take part in and witness only warps me more, twists me inside and out. It makes me think, which I dread doing. Sometimes, I wish I could be stronger like Haruka. If I had listened to her, maybe that battle between Pharoh 90 and us would have been less painful. But I have a weakness, a liability... my heart. Kindness, I have enough of it I would sacrifice myself just to insure the survival of this wonderful planet that has borne life.

 

Living my type of life, its not that hard to be selfish. Well, at least I want to. And thats all I really feel. What do I want? Why even think about that if no one cares? They dont realize how much this has affected me, how much I have grown and changed and matured... they just want to stay behind their little cocoon of false happiness. I can see that in the pairs of eyes that belong to the senshi. We have seen what never should happen, prevented the unthinkable. And the people of earth do not know the silent battle I am fighting with myself... and the universe and what else lies in the eternal cold of space, the eternity of black and loneliness.

 

Oh, there are times when I am truly at peace or the closest that I ever could come to that. The only condolences I possess are my daydreams, and the heavenly dreams I see and live behind closed lids when I sleep and can remember after waking in the morning. I dream of how different my life would be if I never became the 'pretty sailor soldier of love.' How different I would be and everyone I am entwined with if I never was a 'sailor suited super heroine.' My friends are going through what I am most likely, and that helps me a lot knowing if I need help there will be someone I can lean on and cry. It just makes me even sadder to know that Ami and Rei and Makoto and Minako are probably feeling similar emotions to mine, but in different situations because their lives are different. Their dreams, so beautiful, will probably never be accomplished or even recognized because of the 'destiny' we lead, the horrible fate we share. Destiny, it is the worst thing in the world. But, they will never know I do not like to burden others with my problems. These types of things they will never know.

 

If I never had known any of this, how different would I be, my life? Maybe, I would have a chance at real love. Sure, Mamoru is a great guy, but still... people change, times change, the way I think has changed. Its from what I have been through and seen. And I see Naru... and shudder inside, my heart aching. It's my fault that Nephrite died. I should have gotten there sooner and of done something. But I didn't. I had to put the world and its problems before Naru's, one of my best friends, and because of that her true love is gone. ( What have I accomplished there if I stand for 'Love & Justice'? ) She really could have changed him, I saw that as he died in her arms. She had so much love for him. Sorry Naru... I am so sorry, forgive me. But, if I tell this to her face there will be explaining to do that I can do without. She still has Unimo, but I wonder if that will ever be enough. He is a sweet guy, and he truly tries. But only Naru can decide what she needs. At least she had the power to do that unlike me. She can decide who she wants to love. But for me, that is a different story.

 

Like I mentioned earlier, Mamoru is such a great guy, I am undeserving of him. Just because we were to be married in our past lives doesn't mean that we have to follow that example in this lifetime. We have the future Crystal Tokyo to rule over. And, I just wonder. I wished I could tell him this, but I see other people that I could have truly loved leave me. Always leaving me. But, for him... I might have loved him once. In a happier time, before all of this vast knowledge of what I was was dumped on me. I have changed. But he has lead such a lonely life. I don't think he could bear to lose more. So, I will fake my emotions for him. There it goes my kindness again. Why cant I follow Haruka's example? Just because we were betrothed a thousand years ago... it doesn't mean squat. I have ignored how I really felt. I could have loved Seiya, I could have loved Ail... but Mamoru haunts my very thought of them, overshadowing, so I never really get to think and sort my emotions out about them. I hope they have found happiness somewhere in this crazy world that has hurt them too. I would of ended it, but for her.... Why must my life be so complicated?

Despite how we act, I really do love that pinkhaired girl that claims to be the daughter of the future King & Queen of Crystal Tokyo, the Future Moon. If I go with another, if I do not stay with Mamoru, she will no longer exist. And I could not live with such guilt knowing that I caused her to disappear into thin air. I would rather die. So, I will become a slave to my kindness. I just could not live with myself, knowing the guilt I would feel. Maybe, over time I could love him... maybe I did love him once, but that was childs love. I was only 14. So young and inexperienced. My life was just beginning. And now, the course of my life is predetermined for me, without my consent.

 

ChibiUsa... she is like a thorn in my side that won't go away, but I love her still. She is practically my daughter. When I see her, I am reminded of myself. And i want to cry because of what she will have to overcome and do. What she has to sacrifice. People think being royalty and super heroes is a piece of cake, but they could not even imagine. But looking at ChibiUsa, I see she has a chance at true love- Helios. I could not wish to take something that precious away from her. Because, if we don't have love, then what do we have?

 

~Usagi Tsukino