WWI -- the Great War -- was also a literary war, and I have always been fascinated by the poetry which has come from it. Flanders Field has a special place in many people's hearts, as one of the most well known and also as a Canadian tradition on November 11, Remembrance Day (Joh McCrae was a Canadian army physician), but there are many other great poems and stories -- including, in fact, J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. Here are a couple famous WWI poems. Included also is another war poem, one from another era and another view of war: Alfred Lord Tennyson's Charge of the Light Brigade (text found here) written in 1854 to memorialize what today we recognize as the idiocy and hubris of the battle of Balaclava (October 25, 1854). While the courage and valour of soldiers can never be questioned, I challenge anyone to romanticize the sheer lunacy of the charge of the light brigade after reading The Reason Why by Cecil Woodham Smith. There was nothing honourable or good about the charge of the light brigade, only hubris and personal pride and ambition gone horribly, horribly awry. "When can their glory fade?" Thank God that today they have faded at least a little, as the poetry of Siegfried Lorraine Sassoon and Ernest Hemingway and so many others concurs.

Ask Rudyard Kipling about the horrors of war. The diehard imperialist, and author of the famous poem The White Man's Burden (text found here), believing in the projected brevity and stated purpose of W.W.I, used his influence to secure a commission in the Irish Guards for his only son, Jack, who was both medically unfit and underage. Wounded in combat, Jack was listed missing in action and confirmed dead two years later. By that time, Kipling's grandiose notions about patriotism and valor were replaced by a quote of bitter self-recrimination which has echoed through this century of war and horror:

    "If any ask us why we died; Tell them 'Because our fathers lied.'"
     - a haunted Rudyard Kipling wrote

WWI was unique in that it was a poet's war, and from that war came haunting prose which for the first time highlighted the horrors and futility of war.

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Flanders Field
by John McCrae (1872 - 1918)

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In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
    In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe;
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch, be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

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After John McCrae probably the most famous WWI poet was Siegfried Lorraine Sassoon (1886-1967). Sassoon was one of the most controversial WWI poets, and when The Hero first appeared in print in 1917 many people were shocked and many fellow officers condemned him. Even today Sasson is still an object of discussion. Some still find it offensive that he came back from the front and said "I can't lead men to their death any more," arguing that it implies a monopoly of virtue -- as if other officers liked sending men to their deaths, simply because they acquiesced to their duties. On the other hand every society needs men who dare to stand up against common confictions, as Sassoon did.

On a side note, I personally enjoy the irony that his name, when the letters are rearranged, forms the anagram "a redress is on a foreign soil."

These three poems are three of his most famous. The first is The Hero, which he made clear does not refer to anyone he had known, though "it is pathetically true. And of course the average Englishman will hate it." The second is Suicide in the Trenches. And the third is New Menin Gate, written after he attended the dedication of the new Menin Gate in Ypres, Flanders by the new Belgian king Albert on July 24, 1927. The memorial was built to hold the names of all the allied soldiers who died nearby, but whose remains could not be identified or who are still missing. The massive memorial was too small, however, and while 54,896 names are inscribed upon it, 34,984 others are inscribed on a wall a few miles away at the Tyne Cot war cemetary. Sassoon wrote this heartrending poem the next day, in his hotel room in Brussels, but it was never published until after his death because he never dared to publish it during his life.


The Hero
by Siegried Lorraine Sassoon (1917)

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'Jack fell as he'd have wished,' the mother said,
And folded up the letter that she'd read.
'The Colonel writes so nicely.' Something broke
In the tired voice that quivered to a choke.
She half looked up. 'We mothers are so proud
Of our dead soldiers.' Then her face was bowed.

Quietly the Brother Officer went out.
He'd told the poor old dear some gallant lies
That she would nourish all her days, no doubt
For while he coughed and mumbled, her weak eyes
Had shone with gentle triumph, brimmed with joy,
Because he'd been so brave, her glorious boy.

He thought how 'Jack', cold-footed, useless swine,
Had panicked down the trench that night the mine
Went up at Wicked Corner; how he'd tried
To get sent home, and how, at last, he died,
Blown to small bits. And no one seemed to care
Except that lonely woman with white hair.


Suicide in the Trenches
by Siegried Lorraine Sassoon (1918)

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I knew a simple soldier boy
Who grinned at life in empty joy,
Slept soundly through the lonesome dark,
And whistled early with the lark.

In winter trenches, cowed and glum,
With crumps and lice and lack of rum,
He put a bullet through his brain.
No one spoke of him again.

You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.


On Passing the New Menin Gate
by Siegried Lorraine Sassoon (1927)

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Who will remember, passing through this Gate,
the unheroic dead who fed the guns ?
Who shall absolve the foulness of their fate, -
Those doomed, conscripted, unvictorious ones?
      Crudely renewed, the Salient holds its own.
      Paid are its dim defenders by this pomp;
      Paid, with a pile of peace-complacent stone,
      The armies who endured that sullen swamp.

Here was the world's worst wound. And here with pride
'Their name liveth for ever', the Gateway claims.
Was ever an immolation so belied
as these intolerably nameless names?
Well might the Dead who struggled in the slime
Rise and deride this sepulchre of crime.

==============================================

The other famous WWI author is, of course, Ernest Hemingway with his famous book A Farewell to Arms. Lesser known, however, are his poems, which include this one:

To Good Guys Dead
by Ernest Hemingway (1918)

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They sucked us in;
King and country,
Christ Almighty
And the rest.
Patriotism,
Democracy,
Honor -
Words and phrases,
They either bitched or killed us.

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Sixteen years after WWI, in 1934, Bernard Newman and Harold Arpthorp, two British veterans, together wrote 'The Road to La Bassée' describing their return to one of the former battlefields in France. Maybe it was written as a sort of reply-poem to the 1915 soldiers song on the Bassée road, which also describes the landscape and the civilian life. Newman and Arpthorp must have known that song. They problably even sang it.

The Road to La Bassée
by Bernard Newman and Harold Arpthorp

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I went across to France again, and walked about the line,
The trenches have been all filled in - the country's looking fine.
The folks gave me a welcome, and lots to eat and drink,
Saying, 'Allo, Tommee, back again? 'Ow do you do? In ze pink?'
And then I walked about again, and mooched about the line;
You'd never think there'd been a war, the country's looking fine.
But the one thing that amazed me most shocked me, I should say
- There's buses running now from Bethune to La Bassée!

I sat at Shrapnel Corner and I tried to take it in,
It all seemed much too quiet, I missed the war-time din.
I felt inclined to bob down quick - Jerry sniper in that trench!
A minnie coming over! God, what a hellish stench!
Then I pulled myself together, and walked on to La Folette -
And the cows were calmly grazing on the front line parapet.
And the kids were playing marbles by the old Estaminet -
Fancy kiddies playing marbles on the road to La Bassée!

You'd never think there'd been a war, the country's looking fine -
I had a job in places picking out the old front line.
You'd never think there'd been a war - ah, yet you would, I know,
You can't forget those rows of headstones every mile or so.
But down by Tunnel Trench I saw a sight that made me start,
For there, at Tourbieres crossroads - a gaudy ice-cream cart!
It was hot, and I was dusty, but somehow I couldn't stay -
Ices didn't seem quite decent on the road to La Bassée.

Some of the sights seemed more than strange as I kept marching on.
The Somme's a blooming garden, and there are roses in Peronne.
The sight of dear old Arras almost made me give three cheers;
And there's kiddies now in Plugstreet, and mamselles in Armentiers.
But nothing that I saw out there so seemed to beat the band
As those buses running smoothly over what was No Man's Land.
You'd just as soon expect them from the Bank to Mandalay
As to see those buses running from Bethune to La Bassée.

Then I got into a bus myself, and rode for all the way,
Yes, I rode inside a bus from Bethune to La Bassée.
Through Beuvry and through Annequin, and then by Cambrin Tower -
The journey used to take four years, but now it's half an hour.
Four years to half an hour - the best speedup I've met.
Four years? Aye, longer still for some - they haven't got there yet.
Then up came the conductor chap, 'Vos billets s'il vous plait.'
Fancy asking for your tickets on the road to La Bassée.

And I wondered what they'd think of it - those mates of mine who died -
They never got to La Bassée, though God knows how they tried.
I thought back to the moments when their number came around,
And now those buses rattling over sacred, holy ground,
Yes, I wondered what they'd think of it, those mates of mine who died.
Of those buses rattling over the old pave close beside.
'Carry on! That's why we died!' I could almost hear them say,
To keep those buses always running from Bethune to La Bassée!'

==============================================

The Quiet
by Wilfrid Wilson Gibson, 1917

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I could not understand the sudden quiet -
The sudden darkness - in the crash of fight,
The din and glare of day quenched in a twinkling
In utter starless night.

I lay an age and idly gazed at nothing,
Half-puzzled that I could not lift my head;
And then I knew somehow that I was lying
Among the other dead.

==============================================

The Charge Of The Light Brigade
by Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809-1892)

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Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns!' he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd ?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Some one had blunder'd:
Their's not to make reply,
Their's not to reason why,
Their's but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army, while
All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro' the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel'd from the sabre-stroke
Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wonder'd.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred!

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In Memoriam A. H. H. OBIIT MDCCCXXXIII: 56
by Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809-1892)

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"So careful of the type?" but no.
      From scarped cliff and quarried stone
      She cries, "A thousand types are gone:
I care for nothing, all shall go.

"Thou makest thine appeal to me:
      I bring to life, I bring to death:
      The spirit does but mean the breath:
I know no more." And he, shall he,

Man, her last work, who seem'd so fair,
      Such splendid purpose in his eyes,
      Who roll'd the psalm to wintry skies,
Who built him fanes of fruitless prayer,

Who trusted God was love indeed
      And love Creation's final law--
      Tho' Nature, red in tooth and claw
With ravine, shriek'd against his creed--

Who loved, who suffer'd countless ills,
      Who battled for the True, the Just,
      Be blown about the desert dust,
Or seal'd within the iron hills?

No more? A monster then, a dream,
      A discord. Dragons of the prime,
      That tare each other in their slime,
Were mellow music match'd with him.

O life as futile, then, as frail!
      O for thy voice to soothe and bless!
      What hope of answer, or redress?
Behind the veil, behind the veil.

==============================================

The White Man's Burden
By Rudyard Kipling (1899)
(Written in response to the American take over
of the Phillipines after the Spanish-American War)

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Take up the White Man's burden--
Send forth the best ye breed--
Go bind your sons to exile
To serve your captives' need;
To wait in heavy harness,
On fluttered folk and wild--
Your new-caught, sullen peoples,
Half-devil and half-child.

Take up the White Man's burden--
In patience to abide,
To veil the threat of terror
And check the show of pride;
By open speech and simple,
An hundred times made plain
To seek another's profit,
And work another's gain.

Take up the White Man's burden--
The savage wars of peace--
Fill full the mouth of Famine
And bid the sickness cease;
And when your goal is nearest
The end for others sought,
Watch sloth and heathen Folly
Bring all your hopes to nought.

Take up the White Man's burden--
No tawdry rule of kings,
But toil of serf and sweeper--
The tale of common things.
The ports ye shall not enter,
The roads ye shall not tread,
Go mark them with your living,
And mark them with your dead.

Take up the White Man's burden--
And reap his old reward:
The blame of those ye better,
The hate of those ye guard--
The cry of hosts ye humour
(Ah, slowly!) toward the light:--
"Why brought he us from bondage,
Our loved Egyptian night?"

Take up the White Man's burden--
Ye dare not stoop to less--
Nor call too loud on Freedom
To cloke your weariness;
By all ye cry or whisper,
By all ye leave or do,
The silent, sullen peoples
Shall weigh your gods and you.

Take up the White Man's burden--
Have done with childish days--
The lightly proferred laurel,
The easy, ungrudged praise.
Comes now, to search your manhood
Through all the thankless years
Cold, edged with dear-bought wisdom,
The judgment of your peers!

==============================================

This is a Photograph of Me
by Margaret Atwood

It was taken some time ago.
At first it seems to be
a smeared
print: blurred lines and grey flecks
blended with the paper;

then, as you scan
it, you see in the left-hand corner
a thing that is like a branch: part of a tree
(balsam or spruce) emerging
and, to the right, halfway up
what ought to be a gentle
slope, a small frame house.

In the background there is a lake,
and beyond that, some low hills.

(The photograph was taken
the day after I drowned.

I am in the lake, in the centre
of the picture, just under the surface.

It is difficult to say where
precisely, or to say
how large or small I am:
the effect of water
on light is a distortion

but if you look long enough,
eventually
you will be able to see me.)

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"We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."
      -Mother Teresa

"We, the unwilling, led by the incompetent, to do the unnecessary, for the ungrateful"
      -Anonymous grafiti by a GI in Vietnam

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Hamlet's Soliloquy
From Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1, lines 56-90
by William Shakespeare





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To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

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King Lear's Speach
From King Lear, Act 2, Scene 4, lines 258-280
by William Shakespeare



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O, reason not the deed! Our basest beggars
Are in the poorest thing superfluous:
Allow not nature more than nature needs,
Man's life's as cheap as beast's: thou art a lady;
If only to go warm were gorgeous,
Why, nature needs not what thou gorgeous wear'st,
Which scarcely keeps thee warm. But, for true need,--
You heavens, give me that patience, patience I need!
You see me here, you gods, a poor old man,
As full of grief as age; wretched in both!
If it be you that stir these daughters' hearts
Against their father, fool me not so much
To bear it tamely; touch me with noble anger,
And let not women's weapons, water-drops,
Stain my man's cheeks! No, you unnatural hags,
I will have such revenges on you both,
That all the world shall--I will do such things,--
What they are, yet I know not: but they shall be
The terrors of the earth. You think I'll weep
No, I'll not weep:
I have full cause of weeping; but this heart
Shall break into a hundred thousand flaws,
Or ere I'll weep. O fool, I shall go mad!

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King Henry V's Speach
From Henry V, Act 3, Scene 1, lines 1-34
by William Shakespeare

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Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

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The Luckiest
by Ben Folds

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

==============================================

'Suicide is Painless'
The real lyrics to the theme song for M*A*S*H
by Mike Altman

Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see.

[REFRAIN:]
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...
[REFRAIN]

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.
[REFRAIN]

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.
[REFRAIN]

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...
[REFRAIN]

A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'

'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you please.

==============================================

In Japan Sony replaced the normal Windows error messages with Japanese haikus. They have some really great ones, but I think my three favourite are the three last ones:

The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located
but endless others exist

With searching comes loss,
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

And the greatest of them all?:

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

==============================================

Abort, Retry, Ignore?
(To the meter of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven")

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Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line
I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering,
long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken,
and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors
answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion,
some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired,
ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices
as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting,
baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key,
choosing one and nothing more,
With fingers pale and trembling,
slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee,
timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still
persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and
taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard,
and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine:
I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation,
trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation,
just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking,
blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and
paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight:
a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me,
shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data,
lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the
place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us
wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal
souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal,
Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day left to wander,
lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

==============================================

32 Report Card Comments for Braindead Students:
Anonymous

1. Since our last conference, this student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this student to breed.
4. This student is really not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be.
5. Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. This student should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.
12. He has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic ring to hold it together.
13. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
14. He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
15. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
16. He's been working with glue too much.
17. He would argue with a sign post.
18. He brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room.
19. When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.
20. If you see two people talking and one of them looks bored, he's the other one.
21. A photographic memory, but with the lense cover glued on.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming.
24. Had two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you gave him a penny for his thought, you'd get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm and made it to conception.
29. One neuron short of a snapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. It takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. His wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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