The last time I saw her face
Her eyes were bathed in starlight and her hair hung long
The last time she spoke to me
Her lips were like the scented flowers inside a rain-drenched forest
But that was so long ago that I can scarcely feel
The way I felt before
And if time could heal the wounds
I would tear the threads away that I might bleed some more

The last time I walked with her
Her laughter was the steeple bells
That ring to greet the morning sun
A voice that called to everyone
To love the ground she walked upon
Those were her good days

The last time I held her hand
Her touch was autumn, spring and summer and winter too
The last time I let go of her
She walked away into the night
I lost her in the misty streets
A thousand months, a thousand years
When other lips will kiss her eyes
A million miles beyond the moon, that's where she is

But that was so long ago that I can scarcely feel the way I felt before
And if time could heal the wounds
I would tear the threads away that I might bleed some more

The last time I saw her face
Her eyes were bathed in starlight and she walked alone
The last time she kissed my cheek
Her lips were like the wilted leaves
Upon the autumn covered hills
Resting on the frozen ground
The seeds of love lie cold and still
Beneath a battered marking stone
It lies forgotten
 
 

“Kristin, will you marry me?” He asked nervously. It had taken him months of endless debating with himself to even get to the question. There was no doubt in his mind that he loved her… Loved her more than he’d ever loved anyone. But with that realisation had come the fears of losing her as he had lost Carol and wondering if it was worth the risk of going through it again. He heard her stifle a sob and looked into her eyes. “Kristin?”

“I’m sorry Nathan, I’m so sorry… I can’t.”

He felt as though he’d been sucker-punched. He’d prepared himself for the joy that would follow her acceptance, but not for the overwhelming hurt of rejection.

They’d been walking along the beach, hand-in-hand, in the moonlight and it had just seemed so right somehow - The hurt, was fast being joined by confusion and anger… “Can’t or won’t?” He asked with an edge to his voice.

“Both.” She replied sadly.

Nathan tried another tack. “Kristin, if this is because of your last marriages, then please, please reconsider. I would never do that to you – I couldn’t. I love you far too much.”

She sobbed again. “I’m sorry.”

He closed his eyes against the pain he was feeling and whispered hoarsely. “You don’t love me. God, I’ve been… I thought…” He turned and walked away from her, but didn’t get very far. His legs had turned to jelly and so he sank down onto the sand and put his head in his hands; tensing when she came up behind him and crouched down.

“I do love you, Nathan… I love you more than I ever thought possible.”

“Then, why?” He whispered.

“Because I love you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know.”

He tried to turn to face her but she held him fast. “No, please… Don’t turn around or I’ll never be able to do this.”

Nathan scrunched his eyes closed, a feeling of dread permeating to his very soul.

“I’m dying.” She confessed tremulously and heard his sharp intake of breath.

“What? How?” His voice was choked.

“Does it matter?”

“Yes… No… Oh Christ, not again…” He stood suddenly and she almost lost her balance.

“Nathan…”

Without looking round he held up a hand to warn her off. “Don’t… please. Just don’t…” On shaky legs he walked swiftly away.

When he returned, almost an hour later, she was in the same place as he’d left her, sitting this time and staring out to sea. Her knees were drawn up to her chest and she hugged them tightly. He felt a lump rise in his throat and swallowed hard. She looked so alone. He came quietly up behind her, knelt down and enfolded her in his arms, her back pressed against his chest.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“When were you going to tell me?”

“I wasn’t.”

“Kris…”

“I wanted…” Her voice broke. “I wanted to be able to come back here. I wanted this to be a place where…” She sobbed.

“Where what?” He asked, more calmly than he felt.

“Where I could just be me. Where I didn’t have to be the ‘dying woman’ that everyone pitied. I just wanted to come here… and be me.”

Nathan fought back the tears that threatened once more, but couldn’t find his voice.

“I walk around at home and I can feel Cynthia watching me… Looking for signs… Seeing the pain in her eyes… I can’t stand it, Nathan. I can’t stand that I’m hurting her. My colleagues at work know… She told them before I could stop her. I know she did it because she cares, but they’re suffocating me with their concerned looks and questions… And now you know too, I have nowhere to go.” Another sob escaped her and she lowered her head to her knees.

He knew she was crying but he still couldn’t trust himself to speak. He turned her and she buried her head against his chest, her tears dampening his shirt as he gently rubbed her back. There was a question he didn’t want to ask, but knew he had to. His voice cracked as he said, “How long?”

“They’re not sure.” Her voice was muffled against his body. “Six months… Eight at most… Maybe less.”

“Christ.” The word left his mouth before he could stop it.

Kristin moved in his arms and tried to stand. “I have to go.”

“No!”

“Nathan I told you… I…”

He tugged her down until she was kneeling in front of him. “Kristin, look at me.” When she didn’t comply he tilted her chin with his fingers so she had to meet his eyes.

“I love you, Kristin. With my heart and soul, I love you. Whatever it is you want or need, I’ll try to give you. Just don’t leave me, not now.”

She touched a palm to his cheek and he leaned into it for a second before continuing. “I can’t guarantee that I won’t worry if you’re all right. I can’t pretend that I won’t want to hold you in my arms and never let go. And I can’t vouch for the fact that there won’t be times that you’ll see something in my eyes that gives away what I’m feeling. But…

“I can promise you that I’ll be here for you. That I’ll treat you as the woman I love, and not some weak and helpless thing. I’ll hold you when you need to be held and let you go when you want to be free. But, in return, I need you to be honest with me. If you’re too tired to do what I want to do, or in pain, you have to let me know.” He caressed her cheek with the back of his hand. “Deal?”

She smiled tremulously. “Deal.”

Their lips met in a heartbreakingly passionate kiss.

“Make love to me, Nathan.”

Without a word, he stood and led her inside.

It had been almost four months since she told him… Four months of incredible highs and terrifying lows. He’d kept his promises of that day, although sometimes it almost turned him inside out.

She’d come, stay for a few days and then leave again, and as soon as she was gone his grief would surface with a vengeance and he’d cry himself to sleep, night after night. He dropped the rest of the vegetables into the pan and looked out of the window.

She was walking slowly along the beach, hair blowing in the breeze, her white, off-the-shoulder dress, alternately billowing out and then clinging to her body to reveal just how thin and frail she’d become. She reminded him of a delicate, porcelain doll. A breathtakingly beautiful doll.

As he watched she stopped suddenly and wrapped her arms about herself. His heart clenched… She was in pain; he knew the signs now. Could read her better than himself. He wanted to run to her, hold her close until it passed but he’d promised. His hands were shaking with the effort of remaining where he was. ~ It’ll pass. ~ He told himself. ~ It’ll pass. ~

She fell to her knees and he couldn’t fight it anymore. Dropping the knife he was holding he ran to her, gathering her in his arms and holding tightly; rocking her back and forth like a child.

When the spasm eased she looked up at him and he apologised contritely. “I’m sorry Baby, I’m sorry… I couldn’t… I saw…” He broke off and turned away, not wanting to see the disappointment in her eyes because he’d broken his promise.

“Thank you.” The pain was still visible on her face as she took slow, deep, breaths to calm herself.

“It’s worse, isn’t it?” Nathan asked, already knowing the answer. He’d kept in constant touch with Cynthia ever since that terrible day and she briefed him on her mother’s condition.

“It comes and goes.” She shrugged.

~ God ~ He thought. ~ She had to be the bravest person he’d ever known. ~ “Would you… Would you like to rest before dinner?” He wasn’t sure now how far he could go. Whether what he was saying was crossing the invisible line they’d drawn.

“I think that would be good.” She agreed and then, almost ashamedly, she added. “I’m not sure if I can walk all the way.”

His eyes teared up. Six months ago she’d have run. “In that case Madame, allow me.” He gathered her up in his arms and was shocked at just how little she weighed. “It’s gonna cost you though.”

“How much?” He felt her smile.

“Not sure.” He pondered. “I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.” Her arms slipped around his neck and she rested her head against his shoulder.

Nathan laid her gently on the bed. “Is there anything I can…?” ~ Damned stupid question, Bridger. ~  “I mean, do you have any medication?”

“In my purse.”

He moved away from her and made his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water before picking up her pills and sitting on the edge of the bed. “Here Baby.” He supported her shoulders as she drank and then eased her back onto the pillow. “Sleep now.”

A look of fear crossed her face but she quickly suppressed it.

“What is it, Darling?”

“Nothing. I’m fine…”

“Kristin, please…” She looked up at him and his heart almost broke. “What is it?” He asked again.

“I’m scared Nathan. I’m so scared.”

He gathered her in his arms and fought to control his emotions. “Of what?”

“That I’m going to close my eyes and not wake up.”

“Kris.” Her name was a sob on his lips.

“Hold me Nathan. Please hold me and don’t let go.”

He slipped off his shoes and lay down behind her, pulling her close and wrapping her in his embrace. “Forever, if I could.”

He hadn’t heard from her in almost a week, which wasn’t unusual, but he’d had an uneasy feeling for the past two days that he just couldn’t shake. Snuggling further down into the bed he pulled the other pillow close and held it. He’d call her daughter tomorrow and find out if she was coming this weekend.

He was dreaming of the last time they’d been together…

When she’d woken she seemed a little better. Even tormented him about the fact that he’d burned the dinner.  They’d walked along the beach in the moonlight, wrapped in each other’s embrace and kissing every few steps. She’d pulled away from him and walked to the water’s edge, allowing the waves to lap over her bare feet, then held out her hand for him to join her.

“I love you Nathan. I will always love you and be with you, even after…”

“Don’t say it… please.” He couldn’t bear the thought of losing her now, even though he knew it was inevitable.

“It’ll be all right.” She said softly. “Everything will be all right.”

“Kristin…” His arms tightened around her convulsively and he cried into her shoulder as she whispered soothing words and stroked his hair.

When he finally had himself back under control he looked at her apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I’m not as strong as you need me to be.”

She caressed his cheek tenderly. “You are. You've been my rock.”

“No! No, I'm not.” He said so fiercely that she jumped. “Damn it! I promised…  promised you that I…”

“And you’ve kept your promise. You’ve kept it till the end.”

Fear gripped his heart.

"Now I need another from you. I want you to promise me that you won't hide yourself away this time. You have to live your life."

"Please... Please don't ask that of me. I'm not sure if..."

She placed a gentle finger on his lips. "Promise me."

He looked into her sad eyes, his own filled with anguish. "I promise." He choked out.

“Thank you. Now I know you'll be okay. I love you Nathan… Don't grieve for me. Remember me with love and laughter.” 

Even as he tried to hold on to her she disappeared from his embrace. “Kristin!” 

He sat bolt upright in the bed, his skin clammy and cold. Heart thumping in his chest. “Kristin!” Her name tore from his throat and he sat there panting hard, trying to regain some control. The comm-unit chirruped insistently in the other room and he struggled to his feet, knowing already who it would be. He hit the connect button and Cynthia’s tearful face appeared on the screen.

“Nathan… It’s Mum, she’s… she’s…”

“I know.” He whispered softly.

“How could you? It only happened a few minutes ago.”

“I felt it.”

“You loved her that much?”

“More.”

Cynthia gasped at the desolation in his eyes. “I don’t know what…”

Nathan cut her off. “You’ll let me know the arrangements?” He couldn’t even bring himself to use the word funeral.

“Of course.”

“Thank you.” He broke the link and rested his head on his hands on the desk, as his body was wracked with painful sobs.

Almost one year later…
 

“Captain… Captain please… Open your eyes. You have to stay awake.” Lucas’ terrified voice cut through the pain in his head like a knife.

“Lucas?” He asked confusedly.

“Yes Cap’. Please, you have to stay awake.”

“Tired.”

“I know, Sir. But you have to try.”

“What happened?” He asked, trying to focus on something other than the agony that was his body.

“We got caught in the blast.”

“Are we alright?”

“For the moment, I think. But the controls are all shot to hell.”

“They’ll find us.” He tried to move his arm to comfort the boy but the pain that shot through him was almost indescribable. He could feel the blackness closing in on him again and hadn’t the energy to fight it.

He opened his eyes in confusion, feeling the warm sun on his skin. Stretching, he sat up and looked around. He was on a beach, the waves crashing onto the sand. A figure sitting on a rocky outcrop caught his eye. She was wearing a flowing white dress and the sunlight glinted off her red hair.

“Kristin?”

She turned and smiled and then she was standing beside him. He tugged her down and held her tightly, crying in her hair. “I’ve missed you so.”

She pulled away and stroked the tears from his cheeks. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I…”

“You have to go back.”

“No!” He cried fiercely. “Please don’t make me.”

“You have to go back.” She repeated softly.

“I don’t want to live without you anymore. It’s too hard.”

She leaned in and kissed him tenderly. “It’s not your time… Not yet… You’re still needed there.”

“So were you, but you left.” The accusation was unmissable.

“I didn’t have a choice, but you do.” She replied gently.

“Then I choose to stay here, with you.”

“Look…”

With the wave of her hand the inside of the launch appeared in front of him and he could see Lucas cradling his injured body. “No! No, I won’t.”

“Look…” She said again, something in her voice compelling him to do so even though he didn’t want to. Lucas was holding him and begging him not to die. Not to leave him…

He closed his eyes against the agony he felt as he said. “I have to go back.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to leave you.”

“I’ll always be with you, Nathan.”

He could feel himself starting to drift away from her and his eyes filled with panic.

“I’ll come for you when the time is right.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

As he got closer to his living self he could feel the terrible pain again. “It hurts, Kris… It hurts so much.”

“It’ll be alright.”

“Kristin…” She was fading from his sight.

“I’m always with you.” She reached up and unclasped the heart-shaped pendant from around her neck, pressing it into his hand. “I love you.”

“Kristin!” His eyes flew open and he gasped as his body was wracked with pain.

“Nathan?”

“Kristin…?” He tried again.

“No Nathan, it’s Wendy,” She flinched at the overwhelming disappointment she felt from him. “You should rest.”

“Lucas?”

“Is fine. I set his arm and sent him to his quarters to get some sleep.”

He nodded and turned away from her as a lone tear made its way down his cheek.

When he opened his eyes this time Lucas was at his side. “Hey Cap’, it’s good to have you back.”

~ Yes… God help me, I am back. ~ He just looked at the boy, not trusting himself to speak, the inexplicable anger he felt bubbling just below the surface and threatening to erupt.  << It wasn’t his fault, Nathan. He didn’t know. >> The voice in his head was Kristin’s and he closed his eyes again in an effort to hold on to it.

Lucas completely misinterpreted the action. “Are you in pain, Sir? Should I fetch Doctor Smith?”

“I’m alright.” He tried to turn and this time it was a physical pain he felt.

“I’m getting Doctor Smith.” The boy bolted.

“Nathan?” Smith’s voice… “Are you in pain?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll give you something.”

“Thank you.” He felt the telltale prick in his arm and then mercifully drifted into oblivion.

“I don’t understand. What’s wrong with him, Doc?” Lucas almost whined. “His wounds have healed but he’s just not the same.”

“Who’s Kristin?” Smith asked unexpectedly.

“Doctor Westphalen… The ex-CMO.” The boy replied, feeling an ache in his gut.

“She was special to you?” Wendy sensed his discomfort.

“Yes.” He got out between clenched teeth.

“And to Nathan?”

“He loved her… We both did.”

“Where is she?”

“She… she died. How do you know about her? He demanded.

“When Nathan came round he called out for her. He expected her to be there.”

“Oh.” The teen replied, not really understanding.

“It was as though he’d been with her…” Wendy continued absently.

“How could he have been?”

“He almost died, Lucas. We don’t know what happens to people when they die.”

“You mean he was… And I…” He buried his head in his hands.

“If he came back it was because he wanted to.”

“Or because she made him.” He smiled fondly as he remembered her determination to get her own way. “You believe that?”

“I don’t know what I believe. I know that before he regained consciousness he was happy, truly happy and when he woke up he was distraught.”

“But he couldn’t have been with her, could he?”

Wendy stood and walked to her desk, opening a drawer to remove something. She dangled it from her fingers.

“That’s Kristin’s.” Lucas gasped.

“It was in his hand when they took him to surgery. He wouldn’t let go of it.”

“You don’t understand.” The boy stammered.

“What?”

“The Captain gave it to the Doc when they first started seeing one another…”

“And?”

“She never took it off. It was buried with her.”

Lucas tapped on the door and quickly entered the room. Bridger was sitting, for all intents and purposes, staring out at the black ocean, but he doubted that he saw anything at all. “Captain.”

He jumped and turned slowly, the sadness still very obvious in his eyes. “Lucas.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m fine.” He lied in an attempt to reassure him. “I just miss her so much.”

Lucas fingered the object in his pocket. Until that moment he’d had no idea what he was going to do about it. “Sir, when you were brought into med-bay you had this in your hand.” He passed the pendant to him and turned to leave the room.

“Thank you.” His voice was barely a whisper and Lucas quietly closed the door as he left.

Nathan opened his palm and studied the necklace, his shoulders shaking once more as he cried. Flicking it open he traced the tiny picture of her that nestled inside. “I’m sorry Kristin. I thought it was a dream, Sweetheart. I thought I’d dreamed you.”

<< I’ll always be with you. >> The words echoed in his head and he felt a wave of peace flow through him.

Ten years later…
 

Nathan knelt beside the well-kept grave and pulled at the odd tiny weed. “Lucas got married today.” He told her. “She’s a wonderful girl… You would have liked her. They love each other very much.” He paused as couple walked by.

“I still miss you, you know. I miss you so very much. And I’m waiting… Just don’t make me wait too long. I love you.” He touched the pendant around his neck and stood slowly, feeling the familiar tightness in his chest at the thought of leaving her side.

When he got home, he walked to the cabinet and poured himself a large whiskey before changing into something more comfortable and going to sit on the beach to watch the sun go down. Then the moon rise… And finally the dawn… His loneliness at being without her seeming to prey on him more heavily than it ever had before, if that were possible.

He must have fallen asleep because he could feel the heat of the sun beating down on him. Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked around for his glass, intending to take it inside and wash it – it wasn’t there. A voice beside him startled him…

“You’re finally awake.”

His heart skipped a beat. “Kristin?”

“You were expecting someone else?” She teased.

“No. I just… I don’t understand.”

“I told you I’d come for you when it was time.”

“You mean, right now?”

“If you want it to be.”

“I don’t understand.” He said again. “I was at Lucas’ wedding and…”

“You looked very handsome.” She commented.

“You saw?”

“Of course. You didn’t think I’d miss it, did you?”

“Oh God, Kris… I so wanted you to be there with me.”

“I was.”

He reached out to touch her, but his hand closed on nothing.

“Kristin?” There was panic in his voice.

“I’m here.”

“I can’t feel you. I can’t touch you. I want so much to touch you.”

“Then choose.”

Suddenly he realised what she was asking but she clarified anyway. “You’re somewhere between life and death. You have to choose which path to tread.”

She waved her hand as she had all those years ago and he saw himself lying on the beach, eyes closed as if asleep. He was about to speak when he heard Lucas call to him. Then the young man was at his side, cradling him, and asking his wife to call an ambulance.

Nathan watched the scene for a moment and then turned his gaze back to Kristin. “I choose to be with you.”

The ambulance had arrived and the paramedics were starting resuscitation procedures. He saw Lucas reach out to stop them. “No, let him go. He left her once because of me, I won’t let him do it again.”

Nathan smiled sadly and reached out for her once again. This time his hand touched something solid and warm.

“Welcome home, Nathan.”

“God, I’ve missed you so.” He pulled her to him, holding her tightly, his lips meeting hers in a passionate kiss. She stood and dragged him to his feet, holding his hand as she led him down the beach and away from the scene still playing out in the living world.

From far away he could hear Lucas crying and he hesitated for a moment.

“He’ll be alright, Nathan. He has someone to love him now.”

“As do I.” He breathed. “Oh, I have something that belongs to you.”

“No… no you don’t.”

He gave her a quizzical look and then reached into his shirt for the pendant. It wasn’t there.

“Look.” She waved her arm again and he saw his own funeral. Lucas stood to one side, his arm around his bride. As he watched he saw the young man fingering the locket before flipping it open to look inside. “We’ll always be with him Nathan, always…”

“Where do we go from here?”

“Where do you want to go?”

He looked around them and realised that there was nowhere else he wanted to be. “I want to stay here with you for eternity.”

“Deal.” She laughed.

The sound did something to his insides. “Make love to me Baby. It’s been so long.”

Her mouth closed on his as they sank to the sand.
 
 

**** The End ****
 

'The Last Time I Saw Her' by Gordon Lightfoot