It’s noisy in here, so noisy it’s making my head ache. I think everyone’s just trying to drown out the thought that when shore leave is over, there’ll be no boat to go back to. 

Ford and Katie are still arguing over the Clinton, and whether males or females make the best captains, an argument that neither of them will ever win. Ben is doing his morale-boosting thing… I wish he’d stop. There’s no place for it here. Others are laughing… How can they laugh? It really isn’t funny. It’s tragic and pathetic and… Talking of pathetic, Lucas is in a corner sulking, his dad didn’t stay. I should go to him, try to comfort him, tell him everything will be okay… But how can I, when I don’t even believe it myself? My attention wanders back to the two Commanders for a while and then all eyes turn to the door as Nathan finally walks in. I’m surprised he’s here after everything that’s happened.

Crocker slaps him on the back and he winces. The temperature on the seaQuest before it blew up, must have been horrendous. He escaped from hell and it must have taken its toll on him. He has to be scorched and it could have been so much worse. That, was the last thing he needed.

My gaze is riveted on him and everyone else is a blur. He scans the room… Is he looking for me? My heart leaps at the thought, but no… He’s located Lucas and he’s going over to him. He would of course, they’ve become so close over the past eighteen months, but that doesn’t stop me being disappointed.

Katie’s come over to see if I’m okay. We chat for a while and then she moves on. My eyes immediately seek him out again. He’s left Lucas and now he’s sitting at a table on his own and staring into his beer. He looks so alone… perhaps I should… But someone else is at his side. 

He smiles up at Joshua. My second-in-command is obviously checking on him. I should be doing that – I am still the CMO, until midnight anyway. I want to, but my legs won’t move, so I stay where I am and I watch.

He smiles again, that sad smile of his. The one I saw, oh so long ago, when he first joined the boat. The smile that said, ‘I’m not sure if I want to be here. A part of me does, but I’m still grieving for my wife and I made her a promise.’ A smile that always brings a lump to my throat whenever I think of it.

Now he has something else to grieve for… I know that to most people, she was just a submarine, but she was Nathan’s dream. To him it must be like losing a child… another child. You saved one world, yet lost another more important one, didn’t you? Your world… How many knocks can one person take, before they give up?

Lord, I should know the answer to that one… My world’s come crashing down around me enough times… and I’m still standing. But then again, I’m as hard as nails… so people say, anyway. I guess, if you hear it enough then you begin to believe it.

Your smile has faded now and the crew is leaving you alone… Do you want to be alone? It can be a killer, I know… Alone, and with only thoughts and regrets for company… Maybe I should…

You’ve been sitting in that same spot for over an hour and nursing the same drink. You haven’t tried to find me, or even looked. Does this mean what I think it does? I don’t know anymore. It might mean nothing at all, after all haven’t I been doing the same thing?

No… not true… I’ve been watching you, but you haven’t even glanced in my direction. Why does that hurt so much? I know why… I’m in love with you. I have been for a very long time… Longer than you can possibly imagine.

I remember the first time we kissed – on sea-deck, when you’d decided to resign. I almost gave myself away then, maybe I did. I know that on your side, it was supposed to be a friendly ‘goodbye and thanks for everything’ kiss, but when our lips touched… God, I wanted more. Your mouth on mine… it did things to me… Inspired feelings I never knew were possible until that moment. 

You had to stop it… I couldn’t. You pulled away from me and there was that smile again that said, ‘I know what you want, but I can’t… It’s too soon for me.' I understood that, but I knew even then that you felt something for me. Why did it take you so long to act on it? Are you afraid? Is that it? Because, if you are, you’re not the only one, believe me.

And then there was Malcolm… I can’t help smiling at that. I’d almost given up hope that you would ever feel the same way about me, as I felt about you. You were jealous… I knew it… I could feel it… But again you backed away, and that time I did too. I couldn’t keep putting my heart on the line for you, only to have it broken.

Now today, or was it yesterday? I’ve lost track of time. The dinner, the wine, the… God, it all happened so fast. Okay, so I helped it along a little. I took more time than usual, over my appearance… a lot more time. It was your first opportunity to see the real me and I wanted it to be special, I think it was. You said I looked gorgeous and that made it all worth the extra trouble. You said that you’d be very jealous if anyone else saw me looking like that… I couldn’t believe it… Then, oh God, you asked if you could kiss me…

I may have looked calm on the outside, but do you have any idea how hard my heart was beating inside my chest? Couldn’t you hear it? I was expecting someone to put out a ship-wide alert it was so loud.

Your lips were on mine again tentative at first, but then with growing passion, as though you’d finally made the decision. Were you swept up in my desire, or was I swept up in yours? Or maybe it was a little of both, but I didn’t want it to end. It felt so right, so wonderful… I wanted you to make love to me. I wanted to touch you and hold you, make you forget all your past doubts. Make all the hurt go away, and have you do the same for me. I wanted… I wanted…

And then Lucas’ damned hologram… Hell, I felt like a teenager who’d been caught making out by her parents. It was… it was… horrible… and humiliating… and annoying! And your face… You looked so guilty, so… You know… I could have strangled Lucas at that moment. It wasn’t his fault, far from it, but that didn’t matter. And the really embarrassing thing was asking if she could see us. How stupid was that?

I was surprised that you even wanted to try again, but we did. It was too late, wasn’t it? Even before the great disaster, it was too late. There was a distance between us… It was as though everything we’d built as we’d worked and played together had disappeared and we were back at square one. What happened, Nathan? Was it seeing Carol again, hearing her voice… or was it something else? Did I shock you? God Nathan, show me how to love you. I’ll do whatever you want as long as you want. Just don’t let this be the end.

Oh no, oh no, oh no… You’re finally looking at me and I’m crying. I didn’t know until your expression changed to concern. Hell!

I almost knocked the chair over in my rush to get out of the room. I ploughed into someone as well, I don’t even know who it was. It’s darker out here and I’m alone, thank God, and staring out to sea. I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do later, but now I let the warm breeze blow through my hair and take slow deep breaths to cleanse my soul. I vowed a long time ago that I wouldn’t let this happen again. Wouldn’t set myself up to be hurt… But here I am…

Usually I can stop if someone is getting too close. I walk away. But you’ve crept through all my defences and touched my heart, and I know it’s going to hurt for a long, long time… In fact, I’m not sure that it will ever stop.

I squeeze my eyes tightly shut. You’re behind me, I know you are. I don’t have to turn around and you don’t have to speak, I can feel you. I’ve never experienced that before… Never been that in tune with another person. Go away Nathan, please. If you’ve come to say goodbye then go away… I don’t want to hear it. I almost lost you once today… thought I had… and if this time I do, I… Why don’t you say something? The silence is killing me… I just…

My breath catches as you slide your arm around my waist and hold me close, your cheek resting on my shoulder. Lord, I wish I could stop this wretched crying… I haven’t shed this many tears for… forever. It’s so bad that my body’s trembling too, and then I realise that it’s not just mine…

Oh God, oh God, I’m sorry… I’ve been so wrapped up in my own misery that I haven’t even considered yours – not really… Mustering all my courage, I turn and take you in my arms. You may not want my love, but I can comfort you. 

We stay like that for the longest time and then you pull away. In the moonlight I can see you smile at me. I hear you speak… you’re thanking me. There’s no need for that, Nathan. I’ll always be here when you need me, if only as a friend.

Now you’re trying to explain something. You don’t have to. You don’t owe me any explanations… You’re telling me that for the past, almost thirty years, you have only ever been with one woman and that when she died, you thought your heart would never beat for another. You’re telling me that you were wrong… You’re telling me… You’re telling me, that you want to love me the way that I want to be loved, but you don’t know how. That you love me in your own way, but it’s not enough. I can’t believe that we both want the same thing and my tears are falling again as you whisper, ‘Show me how to love you, Kristin…’

I’m smiling through the tears now, like the sun after the rain, and I nod for yes - It’s all I can do. I didn’t know that I could be this happy. I think I might faint, it feels so… I think… Your lips are on mine, warm and passionate, holding nothing back. I think… I think… I can’t think…