It’s late and I know that I should sleep… My body wants to, but my mind refuses to co-operate. I should be used to it by now - it happens every time. But lately, it’s been getting worse…

She stirs and I turn my head slightly to check on her. She is asleep in my arms, a faint glow still visible on her skin from the hours of endless lovemaking. God, I don’t want to leave her… In a few more hours, seaQuest will put to sea again and I’ll be on board.

Two weeks leave… somehow it’s just not enough, but it’s also too long. Too much time to get used to waking up by her side, spending the days with her. Feeling the warmth of her touch, hearing her laughter or just listening to her voice as she talks to me. Making love to her day or night, or often both. Too long because it will be all the harder to tear myself away. Not long enough because there was so much that I wanted to do… We wanted to do… together.

Then why do I still choose to leave? Is it because I love the sea more than I love her?

No…

Once that might have been true, but not for a long, long time. I love her more than anything else in life, that much  I do know.

I'll leave because I always have… all my life. I’ll walk away and then turn back briefly to look at my lover standing alone on the dock. She’s always there no matter what hour of the day or night. I will miss her every second, and she will miss me, but for now there is no other way.

Oh, I could stay, give up everything for her, I’ve done it before. And if she asked… I would. She won’t ask.

She knows that my work means as much to me as hers does to her. She understands. Her research takes her away too sometimes, but she’s always here when I am. If I stayed then our roles would be reversed. It would be me waving goodbye to her… I don’t think I could play that part… I wouldn’t have the strength to let her go without a fight.

I don’t know how she can do it time after time, but she does… with both courage and dignity.

She leads her life the way she wants to lead it, and allows me the freedom to do the same. I envy her that... She seems so sure of herself and what she wants, whereas I'm always torn. Sometimes I wish she’d complain, but she never will. She says that she knew who I was… what I did, before she loved me, and it would be wrong to try to change me. She tells me she knows the sea is a part of me and I will always be tied to it, but I pray that it isn’t true. I need to believe that I’ll awaken one morning and be unable to leave her. I crave that day. It will come… It has to come… It may even be closer than either of us realises.

Not so long ago, I’d wake up and, while I’d regret leaving her, I’d be eager to see what the ocean had in store for me. To face whatever challenges were thrown and tackle them head-on. Now I don’t sleep on the last night, or even the last few nights… I lie awake and wonder what will happen… If something will come along to take me from her, or worse, that she won’t be waiting for me when I return. Life can be fleeting and too easily extinguished… I, of all people, should know that. 

My hold on her tightens as I watch her in the moonlight, listen to her breathing, panic assailing me with the thought that I might never see her beautiful face again… yet still I’ll go.

Did I choose this life or did it pick me? 

I often wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I was never destined for a ‘normal’ life? Or, perhaps I was never meant to share it with another. That thought makes me shiver. Kristin is warm and here beside me. She is tender and loving and kind… The sea is cold and unyielding… An unforgiving mistress…

No! I couldn’t bear to spend my life alone, not now… Then why am I leaving again?

She snuggles closer and when I look down, her eyes are open and gazing up at me lovingly. She knows… She understands… She has always understood. No one else ever did. It’s because of that understanding that I can leave… this time. I draw my strength from her.

She gently caresses my cheek and I taste her lips again, seeking refuge in her kiss, hearing her sad sigh. Kristin is my homeport and one day, in the none-too-distant future, I will come back to stay and nothing will tear me from her side again.
 
 

**** The End ****