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Part One
By
Maggie M.
There are times when a man has to say what's on his mind
Even though he knows how much it's gonna hurt
Before I say another word let me tell you I love you
Let me hold you close and say these words as gently as I can
There's been another woman that I've needed and I've loved
But that doesn't mean I love you any less
And she knows you can't possess me and she knows she never will
There's just this empty place inside of me that only she can fillChorus
Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rulesYou mustn't think you've failed me just because there's someone else
You were the first real love I ever had
And all the things I ever said, I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to youRepeat chorus
I couldn't really blame you if you turned and walked away
But with everything I feel inside, I'm asking you to stayRepeat chorus
The atmosphere between them in the restaurant had been strained and Kristin decided to try to alleviate the situation when they arrived back at her beach house. Moving up behind him she snuggled into his back and kissed him on the tender spot just below his ear.
Nathan turned to face her, his arms automatically wrapping around her body, but as she went to kiss him he pulled away. "I'm sorry Kris, I can't do this…" He saw the hurt in her eyes. "I'm sorry…"
He stroked her cheek and then headed out of the house and down onto the beach.
Kristin decided to give him some time alone to sort out whatever was bothering him, so she undressed and went to take a shower. The tears that fell from her eyes mingling with the spray of the water.
When Nathan hadn't returned, almost two hours later, she went to find him. He was sitting on the sand staring out into the dark night.
Quietly she walked over to him and sat down – close but not touching. Neither of them spoke, not really knowing how to begin, but eventually Nathan broke the silence.
"I'm tired Kris, I'm so damn tired. I don't think I can do this anymore."
"Don't think you can do what?" Kristin whispered, not really sure that she wanted to hear the answer.
"I can't keep splitting myself in two like this." When she didn't reply he continued. "I love the sea – it's a part of me and there's nothing I can do to change that. Even when I was living on the island with Carol I thought about it everyday… And I love seaQuest. She's a part of me too. She was my dream for so long and now she's in my blood."
Kristin remained silent.
"And God help me, I love you too, so much it hurts and it's tearing me apart." He turned his head to look at her but she didn't return his gaze, just continued to look out to sea.
"When I'm out there in the ocean it's the only place I want to be and when shore leave comes around a part of me resents it. Resents being torn away…" He took a deep breath. "But when we dock and I see you waiting for me, I can't wait to hold you. It's all I can do not to whisk you into my arms and make love to you there and then. I want to lose myself in you… Hold on tight and never let go…"
Nathan could hear Kristin crying softly and he desperately wanted to take her in his arms, hold her close and tell her that he was sorry for hurting her. But he had to say what had been on his mind for so long, knowing that he would hurt her more if he didn't.
"I love being with you, spending my free time with you, but as our time together draws to an end my mind wanders back to the sea. And, at the same time, I don't want to leave you. If time were to stop on the last night of shore leave when we make love so passionately, then I'd be happy. But time doesn't stop Kristin…"
He paused to gain control of his emotions. "I have to tear myself away from you and you never complain and that makes it even harder. The first few days back at sea are hell. I turn over in the night and expect to find you there but you're not and it hurts so much that sometimes it makes me physically sick. And then something happens to take my attention and I don't think of you for a while and that makes me feel so guilty…"
Bridger put his head in his hands for a moment. "If you were there with me then maybe it would be different, but as it is, it's killing me."
Kristin had listened carefully to every word. At first she had sympathised and even felt sad for him but the last sentence had changed her mood completely. "God Nathan, would you listen to yourself! What is it that you really want?"
"I wish I knew Kris. You tell me."
She shook her head in disbelief. "You want everything Nathan, but you want it on your terms – there's no room for compromise."
He opened his mouth to reply but Kristin stopped him.
"You've just told me that you want the freedom of being at sea. You want to indulge your passion for seaQuest but at the same time you want me… You want me to be there whenever you need some company or whenever you feel the urge to indulge in some sexual relief, but with no strings attached."
Nathan winced. ~ That wasn't what he'd meant at all. How could she think that he…? ~
"You want me to give up my life here; give up my job and everything that's important to me so that you can have everything you want in the one place. God, you're a selfish bastard!"
He was angry now, ~ That wasn't what he wanted at all, was it? ~ He'd hoped that Kristin would be understanding, that she would be able to calm his inner turmoil; that she would know what to say to alleviate his fear… But not this… "Damn it Kris, I'm just trying to explain how I feel."
"Don't you think I already know? I've tried to make it easy for you. I'm always here when you come home and I never make a fuss when you leave – however much it hurts. And God, it hurts… I put up with the broken dates. I spend night after night worrying about you… Are you all right? Are you in danger? I live with it because I love you. I love you so much… It's who you are and I would never try to change you or make demands on you…"
"Maybe you should have." Nathan interjected.
The woman turned away from him, trying to hide the tears that were falling from her eyes.
Bridger studied her back, watching as her body shook with sobs. ~ What the hell was he doing to her? She didn't deserve any of this. ~
"God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Baby." He turned her to face him and held her in his arms. "Why don't we go back inside? We have three days left, let's make the most of them… Please?" He pleaded.
As he looked into her eyes he could see just how much he'd hurt her. He hadn't meant to – it had all just come tumbling out of his mouth.
Kristin nodded and walked with him back to the house.
He pulled her close in the bed and held on tight as she wept - her head on his chest; his own tears falling silently down his face.
Late into the night he was still staring at the ceiling, Kristin having finally cried herself to sleep. He had needed to tell her how he felt but it had come out all wrong. He hadn't meant to hurt her but in his heart he had known that he would. He loved her so much and it really was killing him. She had been right – he was being selfish, but he couldn't help it.
Nathan looked again at the woman beside him, the moonlight softly illuminating her beautiful face and he could still see traces of the tears she had cried. Could hear the sniffle in her breathing. His gut clenched painfully… Nothing had been resolved for him tonight and he couldn't put her through this again. He had to sort out his own priorities first. He loved her too much to keep hurting her and, now that she knew how he felt, he would keep hurting her.
Lifting her from his chest he slipped out from under the bedcovers and collected his clothes – dressing in the bathroom so he didn't wake her. Then he moved into the living room, found a pen and a piece of paper and wrote a short note, which he propped up against the vid-screen.
Nathan crept back into the bedroom and took one last look at her beautiful face then, being careful not to wake her, he slid back the covers so that he could memorise every inch of her body. Covering her again he moved back to the door and, unable to help himself, he turned to look at her one last time. He hadn't believed that it was possible to hurt this badly without a physical injury of some kind, but this was unbearable.
Tearing himself away he walked through the house and out of the front door. He hit the beach running and kept going until his legs finally gave out. Then, as the first light of dawn began in the sky, he sank to his knees, wrapped his arms tightly around himself, and cried as he'd never cried before.
Cynthia was driving along the coast road and heading for her mother's house. She'd tried to call her two or three times a day for the past few days and left numerous messages. She knew that Kristin was never completely reliable when it came to returning calls but she'd never been this bad before. She had also checked with the Research Centre where her mother worked but they hadn't heard from her. She had a gut feeling that something was wrong and couldn't shake it, so she'd taken a leave of absence from work to go and check for herself.
Arriving at the house as the sun was beginning to set, she was relieved to see Kristin's car on the driveway. She let herself into the house calling her mother's name as she did so, but there was no reply.
Entering the kitchen, she was surprised to find it untidy – her mother was never untidy. Next she moved to the bedroom. There were night-clothes thrown over the chair and the bed hadn't been made. The worry that she had felt earlier was beginning to re-surface with a vengeance.
As she turned to leave Cynthia caught sight of a letter on the floor by the bed. She picked it up and was about to deposit it on the dresser when something inside her told her to read it. She didn't recognise the handwriting but as she began to read she knew who it was from…
My Darling Kristin,
I'm so sorry that I hurt you Baby, I never meant to. I'd sooner die than make you cry. And I want you to know that leaving you is the hardest thing I've ever done. I won't ask you to forgive me, that would be too much even for you. And how can I ask you for forgiveness when I'll never be able to forgive myself?
I love you so much it scares me – maybe that's part of the problem – and I want you to know that I will go on loving you until the day I die. I'm just so torn that I don't know what to do.
Take care of yourself Baby
My love forever
Nathan
A movement in the doorway caught Cynthia's attention and she looked up into her mother's face. She couldn't ever remember seeing her like this before… Her skin was blotchy and her eyes were red, swollen and full of pain. Her expression was one of total devastation.
"Oh God Mum, I'm so sorry…"
Cindy ran to her and held her mother tightly in her arms as they sank to the floor and cried out their grief.
Approximately 3 months later:
Kristin was sitting at her desk when the vid-phone bleeped for attention. "Westphalen."
"Hello stranger, long time no see."
"Katie! My God, where did you spring from?"
"The Clinton is in for routine maintenance and I wondered if you'd like to meet. Do some catching up, maybe?"
"I'd love too. Where and when?"
"Well I'm at a bit of a loose end at the moment so how about lunch?"
"Okay. About an hour at the little seafood café?"
"That'll be great. See you there." Katherine Hitchcock smiled as she broke the link.
About an hour-and-a-half later, having eaten their lunch, they were sitting by the window and waiting for their coffee to cool. They'd chatted about their work and Katie had mentioned breaking up with her fiancé.
"There's a lot of it going around." Kristin quipped.
Katie hesitated for a moment and then said, "I was sorry to hear about you and the Captain. If there was a relationship that I thought would last it was yours." She noticed the tears in her friend's eyes. "I'm sorry Kristin."
"It's okay."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, not really." An hour later she had told Katie everything.
"I don't understand. He obviously loves you so why would he…?" She let the question hang.
"I don't know, I just don't know. I knew that something had been bothering him for a while, but I didn't realise it was that bad. To be truthful I'm not sure that, even now, I understand what the problem really was and I don't think he did either."
Katie bit her lower lip before speaking. "Kristin, there was some talk about the Captain 'getting close' to seaQuest's new CMO… Could that have something to do with it?" She braced herself for the explosion she thought was coming but Kristin merely shook her head.
"It's alright, Katie. I heard it too." At the look of surprise on her companion's face she added, "I still have friends on seaQuest you know."
"Lucas?"
"No. He would never betray Nathan and I would never ask him… But, as far as I know, nothing ever came of it. I know she visited his island but it seemed to fizzle out."
"Then I really don't understand." Katie stated with a perplexed expression on her face.
"Neither do I but I guess it's what Nathan wanted." She said sadly and then looked at her watch. "My God, is that the time? I have a meeting across town in fifteen minutes!" She picked up her purse and stood to leave.
"Kristin, I'm tied up for the rest of the day but how about dinner tomorrow night? We could get all dressed up and go out for a night on the town."
The doctor laughed. "I think I'm a bit old to be painting the town red."
"Rubbish! Come on, what do you say? We could meet up for a couple of drinks and then have a meal in some flashy restaurant… My treat." She cajoled.
"Okay you've got yourself a deal, provided the restaurant isn't too flashy and we split the bill 50-50. Where shall I meet you?"
"NCQ hotel bar at 7:30pm." Katie supplied.
"Sounds good to me. Now I really MUST go." With that she was off at a run and out of the door.
Katie Hitchcock smiled to herself as she got up from the table. ~ Same old Kristin Westphalen ~ she thought. ~ Never does anything at less than full-speed ahead. Too old! That woman had more energy than any three other people she knew… ~ Then the smile disappeared from her face as she remembered how upset her friend still was over Nathan Bridger. ~ Well tomorrow we're going to have the time of our lives… ~
Kristin stared out of her office window wondering for the hundredth time how she'd let Katie talk her into tonight. One part of her wanted to call and cancel but the other half was actually looking forward to going. Against her better judgement she surrendered to the optimistic half. The voice of one of her assistants interrupted her deliberations.
"There's a call for you, Doctor - from a Captain Hitchcock."
Kristin crossed to her desk and smiled as Katie's face appeared on the screen. "What can I do for you, Captain Hitchcock?" Her smile widened.
"Hi Kristin – look it's about tonight."
"Oh?"
Katie saw a brief look of disappointment cross her friend's features. "No, it's still on but I have a friend in town for just this evening and I promised him dinner the next time we were in port together…"
The doctor interrupted. "If you'd like to call it off I'll understand."
"No, no way! He's just a friend, nothing more. I thought perhaps you and I could meet for drinks at 7:00 instead of 7:30 – give ourselves more time to talk and then go on to dinner at, say, 8:30? Do you have someone you could bring along to make up a foursome? A sort of 'throwaway' date?"
She looked put out for a moment and then inspiration hit. "Yes, I think I do. I have a colleague in town and he's been asking to take me to dinner, but I've been putting him off. This could be the perfect opportunity." She nodded. "Alrighty, 7:00pm at the bar."
"I'll be there and don't forget… Dress to kill!" Katie winked as she broke the connection.
Kristin stood in front of the full-length mirror, clothes strewn across the bed, as she tried to find something suitable to wear. It seemed like forever since she'd had to dress for any kind of date and it was almost as though she'd forgotten how.
She'd showered, washed and dried her hair and put on her basic make-up but her wardrobe was proving a real challenge. Katie had said 'dress to kill' but everything she had seemed to be either too much or too plain. A long dress was definitely out – far too over the top, but standard dresses seemed too drab. With an exasperated sigh she flicked through the remaining contents of her closet.
Towards the back she found a couple of dresses in protective covers and when she opened the second one she knew she'd found her attire for the evening; A cocktail dress that she hadn't worn in years.
After donning her silkiest underwear and a pair of sheer black tights she slipped into the garment. It was the classic little black dress, which hugged the contours of her figure closely. It had capped sleeves and ended midway between thigh and knee. The material was lacy but with a thin silk underlay. The neckline was low at the front, but not to revealing, and at the back it plunged just below her waist ending in a deep V.
She piled her hair loosely on her head leaving tresses behind to frame her face and smaller strands touched the back of her neck: Applied the appropriate colour gloss to her lips and selected a simple gold chain and earrings from her jewellery box. Finally putting on a pair of medium-heeled black stilettos and a plain burgundy coloured jacket. Giving her reflection a quick once-over and being happy with what she saw, Kristin grabbed her purse and car-keys and headed for the front door.
She parked in her usual spot at the Research Centre intending to pick up her car the next day as she suspected that she wouldn't be fit to drive home.
The two friends had been sitting at the bar for about half-an-hour and were just finishing their second glass of wine, when Katie remembered that she had to make a call.
"You stay here and finish your drink and I'll be back in a minute."
"Okay."
She was contemplating her empty glass, when two men came over to stand beside her.
"Hey beautiful lady, you shouldn't be sitting here alone. Can I buy you another drink?"
Kristin was annoyed at first and couldn't believe that men still used that approach but, on closer inspection, she thought that maybe she should feel flattered – they were both obviously a lot younger than she was. "No, thank you. I'm fine."
The other man spoke up "You're from England aren't you?"
She cringed inwardly, some things never changed. Playing along she asked, "What gave me away?"
"Well actually it was…" He stopped abruptly as the first man sniggered. "Okay, okay… I know when I'm being had."
The first half of the dynamic duo laughed. "Any chance of the other lady coming back?"
"Yes… And no thank you, Sailor."
He looked nonplussed for a moment.
The second man spoke again. "What gave us away?"
Kristin just smiled emphatically.
The other man resumed his attack. "Aw come on… How about taking pity on two submariners who've been at sea too long? You and your friend are the first two beautiful, non-military, ladies we've seen in months."
She was about to say that she'd had enough of submariners to last her a lifetime but thought better of it, and instead she said, "And somehow I don't think we'll be the last." Catching sight of Katie beckoning to her from the other side of the room and excused herself, watching as the two men shrugged their shoulders and headed for their next target.
"I can't leave you alone for five minutes can I?" She grinned and then her expression changed to a worried look.
"What is it, Katie? Is there something wrong?"
The woman took a deep breath, "seaQuest is in port… she's in for repairs. All the senior crew are in the reception area, including Captain Bridger." She blurted out.
"Oh God." The colour drained from Kristin's face. "That explains the two who just hit on me. Is there a back door out of this place?"
"I don't know. Look, I'll go and find out, you hide out in the ladies room until I get back, okay?"
Katie was halfway across the room when Kristin's voice stopped her in her tracks. "Katie, wait." She caught up with her. "What the hell am I doing? Look at me, I'm behaving like a lovesick teenager. I'll be damned if I'm going to hide from him. I'm not the one who sneaked out in the middle of the night." She said bitterly. "And I have no intention of doing it now! Just give me a minute…"
Katie had expected her to use the powder room but instead she returned to the bar, ordered a brandy, paid for it and downed it in one. Then she returned to her incredulous friend.
"Come on, let's go."
"Now that's the Kristin Westphalen I know and love." She smiled.
Katie led the way and was immediately approached by Jonathan Ford. "Katie, it's been a long time…"
Kristin hovered in the doorway not sure now that this was such a good idea after all. Lucas spotted her and hurried over. "Wow, Doc! You look fantastic. It's great to see you."
She pulled him into a hug. "Thank you Lucas. How long are…?" Before she could complete the question the two men that she had met in the bar came up behind him.
"Wolenczak, have you been holding out on us?" They looked at him expectantly.
"Maybe." The young man grinned. "Doc, these two reprobates are Lieutenant Jim Brody and Tony Piccolo. They're part of the new seaQuest crew."
Katie reappeared at Kristin's side.
"Guys, this is Katherine Hitchcock, Captain of the HMS Clinton, former Chief Engineer of the seaQuest and this is Doctor Kristin Westphalen, the former CMO."
"Tell me ladies, did you dress like that when you were on the sub?" Jim asked.
"Of course." They replied in unison.
"Absolutely." Jonathan's voice chipped in. "Why? Is that a problem?"
"Definitely not, Sir." Piccolo replied. "It just conjures up all sorts of fantasies."
"Well you keep them to yourself, Sailor." Katie interjected in her best Captain's voice.
"Oh I intend to Ma'am. Doc, I've been having this pain in my…"
"Stow it, Piccolo." Ford ordered.
"Yes, Sir. Commander Sir."
"Well, if you'll excuse us I think I see my date." Katie headed off into the crowd with Kristin not far behind.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I think so." She paused for a moment and bent down to adjust the strap on her shoe but, as she tried to straighten up again she was jostled by someone coming the other way and lost her balance slightly. Immediately an arm shot out to support her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't see you there."
She'd know that voice, anywhere. It was all she could do to remain standing. ~ You never did ~ She thought. Putting on the brightest smile she could muster, she stood upright and looked at the man before her. "No harm done. Hello Nathan…"
The moment their eyes met she could read every emotion that coursed through him… The shock… The hope and the sadness… The need and the love… It was all there for her to see and she knew that he could see the same emotions reflected in her eyes along with total confusion.
Their gazes locked, neither seeming to be able to break away and then she heard a voice calling her name and she turned her head in the general direction.
A tall and very handsome man appeared at her side and kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry I'm late Krissy. Everything conspired against me tonight."
"That's alright. Justin I'd like you to meet…" She turned back to Bridger but he was gone. "Oh well, never mind." With a quick glance around the room she moved towards Katie and her date, not seeing Nathan standing to one side – a look of pure agony on his face as he watched Justin's hand slip around her waist.
Partway through the main course Katie's attention was captured by a flurry of activity near the main entrance. Tables were being pushed together and hastily reset. The maître d' entered the main dining area followed by most of the seaQuest bridge crew. Glancing quickly at Kristin she was relieved to see that the other woman hadn't noticed their arrival and decided to keep it that way.
As luck would have it, Bridger had been seated at the head of the table so that he had a clear view of their little group. She smiled at him and he nodded in acknowledgement.
Katie returned her attention to the conversation in progress. The evening was turning out to be far more fun than she had anticipated. All the occupants of the table were getting along as though they were old friends. Andrew Radcliffe, her date for the evening, was telling tales of his adventures overseas and Justin was contributing with anecdotes of his own.
"Hey Krissy, tell him about the time we got stuck in that rainforest in South America. When you were so busy trying to avoid that snake, that you missed your footing and slid down the mud-bank on your butt."
She laughed aloud and Katie looked up to find Bridger watching the doctor intently. The look on his face was one of longing and deep sadness. A part of her felt sorry for him, but it had been his choice to leave and he had hurt her best friend terribly in the process. So maybe he deserved to feel as he did. Perhaps now he realised just how much he had carelessly thrown away…
Kristin said something extremely funny and the whole table roared with laughter. If anything, Bridger's expression grew more agonised.
The seaQuest group's attention was drawn to the other side of the room.
Piccolo spoke up "Well it looks like they're having fun. Guess they didn't need us after all Lieutenant."
"I guess not."
"Geez, that red-head's a gorgeous broad."
"She's no broad." Lucas stated in an annoyed voice.
"Sorry, sorry… Just a figure of speech."
"Isn't she a little old for you Tony?" Loni asked.
"Hey, with looks like that I don't care how old she is. And look how that dress hugs those curves. The Doctors back home never looked like that. She can give me a physical any time." He paused for a moment and watched as Kristin took a sip of her coffee, then stood and slowly smoothed her skirt down before heading to the ladies room.
"Wow-de-wow-wow! Someone give me a drink to put out this fire! Hey Captain, you're an older man what do you…?" He stared open-mouthed as Bridger stood abruptly and exited the room. "Was it something I said?"
When Kristin returned to her seat a waiter came over and handed her a note. "A gentleman left this for you Ma'am."
"Thank you." She took it from him. "Which gentleman?" She asked looking around the room.
"He was sitting with the Military party over there, Ma'am."
She unfolded the piece of paper slowly.
Kristin,
I'll understand if you choose to ignore this but, if you can find it in your heart to spare me a few minutes of your time, I'd be grateful. I do need to talk to you… Please?
Yours forever
NathanShe studied the words not quite believing what she was seeing.
"Kristin?" Katie touched her arm gently. "Are you alright?"
She looked up startled by the interruption.
"Is there a reply, Madam?" The waiter asked.
"What? Uhm yes, just a moment."
Kristin took her notebook from her purse and tore a page from it, then searched for her pen and wrote a swift reply.
The beach outside my place, later tonight. I'll try to be there by 23:30.
KristinWhen the waiter had left the table the two men excused themselves - one to use the washroom and the other in search of some brandy. Katie leaned over and asked, "Was the note from Captain Bridger?"
"Yes it was." Kristin replied softly. "He wants to talk."
"And you agreed?"
"Mmm hmm. He looked so lost sitting over there that I didn't have the heart to refuse."
"You saw him? I didn't think that you knew they were there."
"I didn't until I finished telling that story. I saw you look over and followed your gaze."
"I'm sorry. I was hoping that you hadn't noticed."
"It's okay."
"Do you want some company?"
"No. I'll be fine." When her friend looked doubtful she added, "I'll be fine Katie, really I will."
"Okay. You'll call me if you need me?"
Kristin nodded and bit her bottom lip.
At that moment Justin and Andrew returned with the drinks.
It was almost 00:15 when she arrived home and Kristin hastily changed into a sweater and a pair of jeans before making her way down onto the beach; not sure whether Nathan would still be there. A part of her hoping that he wouldn't be but in the moonlight, she could see him walking along the edge of the surf.
"I'm sorry I'm late. It took me longer to get a cab than I expected."
Bridger's thoughts had been miles away, wondering what on Earth he could say to her now he was here. In fact, he wasn't even sure why he was here but seeing her in the restaurant had invoked a multitude of emotions and feelings. The strongest of which had been the need to be with her again. To talk; to laugh; to feel loved…
He shook himself out of his musings. ~ To feel loved…? Not very likely under the circumstances ~
"Hello Kris. Thank you for seeing me. I wasn't sure that you would."
"You said you needed to talk – I'd do the same for anyone."
Nathan winced. "I wanted to try to explain. To tell you that I…"
The woman let out a hollow laugh. "What is there to explain Nathan?"
The sound of his name on her lips caused an involuntary shiver to course down his spine, just as it always did.
Kristin continued. "I would have thought that not wanting me to kiss you then sneaking out in the middle of the night and leaving a note was explanation enough. It couldn't have been much clearer."
He closed his eyes momentarily against the pain that her words had caused and the hurt he heard in her voice. "I'm so sorry Kris, I should never have done that. It was very wrong. I just got scared and I ran…"
"Running away is one of your specialities, isn't it?"
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." He turned to leave.
"Dammit Nathan, you're doing it again! You said you wanted to talk, so talk and I'll listen." She sat down on the sand away from the water and after a moment's indecision, he did the same – unconsciously mirroring their position of three months ago.
There was a long silence between them as Nathan desperately searched for a way to begin.
Finally it was Kristin who broke it. "Did you ever really love me Nathan, or was it all wishful thinking on my part?"
He was taken aback by her question. "God Kris, of course I loved you, I still do… More than I thought possible. I'd give anything to change what happened."
"Then why did you do it? Why did you throw it all away?"
"Because I'm a fool."
"That's no answer."
"I'm not sure that I can explain."
"Try… Please."
He heard the plea in her voice and recognised again just how much he had hurt her. " I told you before that I was torn in two. That I love the ocean and seaQuest and you… I wanted it all but I knew, deep down, that I couldn't have it. I was being pulled in too many different directions and it was killing me."
"You already had it all." She replied sadly. "You had the ocean, command of seaQuest and me at home waiting for you. You had it all."
"But those who seek to grasp too much, end by holding nothing."
"I'm sorry?"
"It's just a saying that I heard once." Nathan explained. "I know that I had what most men only dream of, but it would have been selfish of me to go on that way. I knew how much it was hurting you…" He paused for a moment and stared out to sea. "Do you remember the trip before last, when I had to leave again almost immediately and we had to cancel all our plans?"
"Yes." She nodded, remembering only too well.
"I got about halfway into town when I realised that I'd left my briefcase behind and I came back to get it…"
~ Oh God ~ Kristin thought to herself.
"I was going to come into the bedroom to tell you but when I got to the door I could hear you crying and I couldn't go in. I stood there for almost twenty minutes just listening and I was crying too Kris. Knowing that I'd caused you that much distress was unbearable. I wanted to come inside, slip back into the bed beside you and hold you forever, but I didn't. Instead, I fled the house and headed back to the sanctuary of seaQuest. But every night when I closed my eyes I could hear your sobs over and over in my head until I thought I'd go insane…"
Now he had finally got going, Nathan was unable to stop.
"And then shore leave came around again but, this time, I dreaded coming back to you… Oh, don't get me wrong… I wanted to be with you, I needed to be with you. To hold you… To love and be loved by you. To make love to you until I couldn't see straight…" He paused again and took a deep breath. "No one has ever made me feel the way you do, Kristin. I've never wanted anyone the way I want you and I can never get enough. Sometimes you're all I need… No food, no sleep… Just to be inside you. To love you over and over until I'm completely exhausted and then to lie with you in my arms as we sleep… And it frightens me Kris. It scares me how much I love you… How badly I need you.
"But that last night we were together, all I could think of was that I'd have to leave you. I could hear you crying in my mind. Feel your hurt in my soul and I couldn't do it anymore… I couldn't live with myself knowing that I was the cause of all that pain…"
"Nathan…"
"No, please let me finish. I know that when I said that it would be easier if you were on seaQuest, I was being selfish, but I couldn't go on as I was. It was tearing me apart and I really was physically sick when I had to leave you. It was affecting my work, my moods… I think the bridge crew dreaded those first few days at sea." He smiled humourlessly. "I didn't know what to do and so I ran. I ran to seaQuest and away from you."
"Why Nathan? Why did you choose seaQuest?"
"Because I couldn't hurt her – no matter what I did. I know seaQuest can't keep me warm at night. She can't hold me when I need it or take care of me when I'm sick or tired… But she doesn't worry about me all the time. She doesn't need me and she doesn't cry in the night because she's alone. I can't hurt her Kristin, not in the way that I hurt you. And God, I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to be the cause of your pain… I can't bear it, Baby. It hurts me so damn much…"
"But aren't you hurting now? I don't…"
"Yes." His pain was evident in his voice. "But I'm hurting myself – not you."
Kristin could tell by his shuddering breaths that he was crying. "Nathan, just because we're not together doesn't mean that I don't worry about you. I still wonder if you're safe and yes, I still cry in the night sometimes. I dream of the days we spent together and I reach out for you but you're not there and that hurts so much… But it's a different kind of hurt. Before, when you returned to seaQuest, I knew you had to go and I'd wonder how I was going to make it through another day without you. But, we'd talk on the vid-link, make plans for your next leave and that was okay. It wasn't ideal but I could live with it. As I said that night, it's who you are… I knew that when I got into this and at least when we talked, I could see for myself that you were alright."
She took a breath and then, "These last few months have been hell. Not knowing where you were… Whether you were safe… Whether you even cared about me anymore. If you thought about me as much as I thought about you. If you had ever loved me the way I loved you. The way I still love you… I'm so sorry that you heard me crying that morning but I get scared too sometimes – wondering if it will be the last time I ever see you or if you'll come home to me. I get scared too…"
Kristin was crying too now, unable to stop the flood of emotion that their conversation had unleashed.
Nathan reached out a trembling hand to her and taking it she moved to kneel in front of him. Their arms went around each other in a comforting hug and they rested forehead to forehead. "I do love you Kristin. More than I have ever loved or will ever love anyone. Don't ever doubt that."
"I love you too. More than my own life… But I think we need time. Time to decide where we go from here. That is, if you want to go on from here…?" She asked tentatively.
"I want it more than anything else in the world. I can't live my life without you in it but I still don't know what I'm going to do…"
"I know. Why don't you go back to your hotel and get some rest? You look like you could use it."
"Kristin, we'll be in port for the next two days so maybe we could…?"
She silenced him by pressing her fingers to his lips. "No Nathan, I don't think either of us is ready yet. We need time… Time to sort through everything that's happened and make sense of it."
"I know you're right." He stood and pulled her up with him. "But one thing before I go… May I kiss you Doctor?"
"Of course, Captain." She replied with a sad smile on her face.
Bridger pulled her close to him, savouring the feeling of her body against his after so long and then he lowered his lips to hers. The kiss was tender at first and then grew more passionate, tongues tangling. They pulled apart before they lost all control. As it was, Kristin could feel Nathan's hardness pressing against her and her body was reacting as it always did.
He held her close, breathing in the scent of her, never wanting the moment to end but knowing that it would. Slowly he moved her away from him and looked down into her passion-filled but teary eyes. "I love you, Baby. No matter what happens remember that." He reached out to brush away her tears. "Take care of yourself." Wrenching himself away he ran up the beach towards the lights of the town, hearing Kristin's voice carried on the wind. "I love you too…"
Resisting the almost overwhelming urge to turn back to her, Nathan disappeared into the night.
I still can remember
The last time I cried
I was holding you and loving you
Knowing it would end,
I never felt so good
Yet felt so bad.
You're the one I love
And what makes it sad
Is you don't belong to me.And I can remember
The last time I lied
I was holding you and telling you
We could still be friends,
Tried to tell you go
But I can't, you know.
And even though I'm not with you
I need you so
But you don't belong to me.Comin' in and out of your life
Isn't easy,
When there's so many nights
I can't hold you and I've told you
These feelings are so hard to find.
Comin' in and out of your life
Will never free me
'Cause I don't need to touch you
To feel you, it's so real with you
I just can't get you out of my mind.But I can remember the last time we tried
Each needing more than we could give
And knowing all the time
A stronger love
Just can't be found
Even though at times this crazy world
Is turning upside-down
You'll always belong to me.(Comin' in and out of your life)
Isn't easy,
When there's so many nights
I can't hold you and I've told you
These feelings are so hard to find.
Comin' in and out of your life
Will never free me...
I don't need to touch you
To feel you, it's so real with you
I can't get you out of my mind,
But I can remember...
**** End Of Part One ****
If anyone would like a PG version of Part Two
Please let me know
'Torn Between Two Lovers' by Peter Jarrow & Phil Jarrel
'Comin' In And Out Of Your Life' by Barbra Streisand
