6/29/98
everything she touches, she ends up destroying
though her intentions, are not ever so
she cannot help, that her attitude is toying
she loathes it because, it leaves her alone
she reaches out, she touches the sun
it burns her skin, leaves her blistered
the repedative cycle, has already begun
she feels helpless, lost, and withered
her sheets are all torn, so she can no longer rest
uncontrolably shreded, in a fit of her rage
she's disheveled, yes, but at least she confessed
to destroying the lock that she touched,that went with her cage
the steel door opens, the light falls upon her,
she has never been, outside of her walls
like rat in the dark, she will cautiously wander
through the mazes that fill, the empty halls
she crawls on her knees, as her skin is rubbed raw
she bleeds and it stains, but she knows she's alive
like it cuts and kills trees, the ground is her saw
one more cut and she'll never, be able to be revived
she's hungry, she's starving, she's shaking, so weak
she greedily licks, the crumbs from the ground
though it is vital, she can't make herself speak
too scared it will leave her, once again gagged and bound
her straightjacket's her mind, it keeps her tied tight
she can't understand, why she can't understand
like a mime in her box, with nothing she fights
she still doesn't know freedom's, in her own hands
she pounds at her door, until her fists bleed
her blood is smeared on the stone, gravel under her skin
you need to suffer, in order to succeed
but she knows not this rule, knows not the way to win
she suffers, she's miserable, her tears fall in despair
she does not understand, it's the road to triumphant
she will be free of herself, it will all become clear
but she screams as she cries, "Why am I so bent!!??"
there's an acre around her, but she cannot walk away
no physical prison, her time has been served
but her mental bind, refuses to let her sway
she guesses she's getting, just what she deserved
innocent, but paranoid, that she'll forever be wrong
yet the purest form, that silver can get
she shines 'cause she's been, good all along
but her nights are laced with a vicious regret
believes she should be punished, for what she's never done
when really she should get, riches and gold
she gives herself, only a loaded gun
it's the only thing, that she's ever been told/that she's ever known
she's still caged herself, she's stillfrozen glass
she lies in a heap, of herself and her burdens
she cannot get over, what she pretends is her past
she just wishes she knew, that she didn't hurt them
her clothes have been soiled, by her blood and her tears
with helplessness she stares up to an overcast sky
the stars try to block out, all of her fears
suddenly, understanding, reaches her eyes
they widen with suprise, she's enlightened by truth
now she's determined, not to let herself bury her
realizes at last, she'd wasted her youth
by constantly believing, thinking she was inferior
her mime self again, she gropes at her walls
it downs her to know, that the walls are still there
but she yearns for release, the outside calls
her walls will not stand much longer, she vows, and she swears
she backs up a foot, then rams up against them
with a running start, the impact practically kills
but she's not the little girl, that she was back then
and the challenge gives her, a few pleasant thrills
over and over she pounds them, untill the walls shatter
invisible pieces, fall to the floor
she now finally sees, the walls never did matter
but she still rejoices, since her walls are no more
her breathing heavy, she's shocked into standing still
a silence surrounds her, draining her will
she collapses to concrete, of broken down stories
the battle-field's barren, she's won all the glory
-6/24/98-
you scarcely die, within my mind
even though I attempt to kill you
my living carcass, this body confines
the reminder of what I wish you'd still do
you're gone, I know, but you still seem to haunt me
the ghost of us is everywhere I crawl
though it will forever be knives, I still seem to want thee
I practically worshiped you, a deathly fall
you encompassed my time, encircled my heart
you bent me backwards, and tore me apart
I was welded to you, I WANTED to be
you were the only person, I seemed to see
my world built around you, but I didn't care
I wanted you with me, I wanted you there
but you abruptly wrenched me, from my ecstatic phase
and thrust me down, into the haze
you confused me, you lied, I was mortaly wounded
I never did know, why you took me for granted
you abused me, I cried, it was already too humid
in a word I was hurt, since you took advantage
but I love you intensely, it just refuses to fade
I think of you, immensely, though the love should be hate
you shattered me, destroyed me, you broke all my dreams
but still matter to be, annoy me,
you never did know just how much you mean
and even if, I could find you again, I still wouldn't smile
because it wouldn't truly be you I found
so bury me alive, I'll be dead in a while
though the burden of you, will continue to pound.
-Fraying Fast-
I have burnt myself down
I have worked long and hard
to break free from these chains
to cut through these bars
that cage your memory with me
that inprison my pain
that lock up the storm
that brought on fighting rain
my strength, it is gone
wax tends to melt in a fire
my desperation to escape
this maze of wires
I am so very tired
it's a chore to do more
my feelings of despair
toward what I work for
I want to be free of you
but to no avail
I look over the side
and lean off the rail
I'll fly away fast
never ever to see
you with someone else,
I'll break my way free
and I fall through the sky
I soar through the air
because all I can do
is complain how unfair
my descend at it's end
on the paved street
my head mixed with my hands
yards away are my feet
but this isn't real
my mass suicide
it's never the answer
this small self genocide
just my mind playing games
tricking me with it's spell
forcing me to wander
through your eternal hell
and I'd give it all up,
every joy, every passion,
every love I have for life,
if you'd ease my depression
all of this for you
you matter to me
you're a star in the clouds
you're the salt to the sea
the fullfillment in life
when time kills us all
time kills the universe
time builds all walls
so time kills us all
but time also heals
it heals every wound
it heals what we feel
...but it heals by KILLING
it kills the emotions
it kills our desires
it kills our devotions
time is the enemy
but it's also your friend
time grants you the start
and then inflicts the end
I try to let go
I try to move on
but trying is helpless
since I am so very fond
so you hurt me, you broke me
what's the matter with that?
I can piece myself back together
the way I'll bring you back
I'm begging you, just this
I kneel in the dirt
I'll risk myself
I'll risk getting hurt
if it'd give me some chance
some glimmer of hope
to go through déjà vu
to mend my frayed rope
please, I beg you, consider
don't shun me away
or the rope holding me up
will break
it's already frayed
