Special Science News Update
Five "just right" for number of fingers
Scientists at the Institute for Research into the Human Anatomy at Harvard University have discovered that five is the optimal number of fingers for human beings. Dave Arbuckle, Leader Scientist for Life at the Institute for More Resarch in East Lansing, Michigan, explained the discovery in a press release Monday. "Well, we started with the assumption that Nature was at least in the ballpark. Five is probably around the best number. Then we thought, what would four be like? Well, Mickey Mouse. We'd all look like cartoon characters or something. That might be okay for some people, like Danny Devito or Jason Alexander, but what about Bruce Willis, or the President? You can't take somebody seriously if they have Mickey Mouse hands! So then we thought, what about six? Well, it seems pretty obvious to me that six fingers would just be gross. I mean, think about it. Six fingers?! Ughh!"
Human Genetic Blueprint "pretty much done"
No, really. That's what scientists announced last week. There was this big, fancy, trans-Atlantic press conference with U. S. President Bill Clinton and British Prime Minister Tony Blair, and everybody was all like, "Wow, great, we finished, yeah!" And then they said, "Well, we've just got to fill in the rest of it, we should be done by 2003." Thanks, scientists.
Cures for Cancer, Diabetes, Boredom Soon
Now that the Genome Project is "finished," scientists are well on their way to curing some of the most horrifying ailments to afflict humans. Cancer and diabetes have both been shown to have large hereditary components, and being able to single out the genes which predispose people develop these diseases would be a large part of the way toward wiping them out. But what about boredom? Phil Jackson, a daring young lab technician at the UCLA molecular biology lab in Texas, said, "I hope they can find the gene for boredom and figure out how to deactivate it or whatever, 'cause I've been really bored throughout most of my life, and I'm getting really tired of it. Something should be done." When asked what the chances are that something will, in fact, be done, Jackson replied: "I don't know, but I sure filled a lot of test tubes with clear liquid today. They should be making a lot of progress with all those full test tubes, you know?"
Moon, space still there
Despite the facts that humans haven't gone to the moon in decades, and that humans have never gone into deep space, they are still there. Although not as popular as in the 1960's, space still occupies a good portion of America's national imagination. Recent blockbusters like Deep Impact, Armageddon, Mission: to Mars, and The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps prove that weaving high-flying fantasy tales about space can still make big-shot Hollywood producers money. So what about NASA? The harsh reality is, people want Bruce Willis and Eddie Murphy in space. But real astronauts are boring, too smart and not good-looking or funny enough. NASA's plans to make space more appealing to younger viewers in order to attract more government and corporate sponsor bucks include a slickly-produced prime-time game show, "Who wants to be an Astronaut?" Internet chat rooms with interesting and attractive actors pretending to be astronauts, and cigarette advertising on the Space Shuttle. Will NASA's push for the 18 to 25 set save space from disappearing? Well, space doesn't need saving. It's going to be there no matter what these kids do. And unless NASA comes up with something really, really bitchin, the young people are surely going to watch MTV and do drugs instead.
Tiny Robots might take over World
Scientists are working to develop a new kind of technology, the nanobot. Nanobots are microscopic robots that can combine in infinite ways to form anything the heart desires. Possiblities include dynamic living structures, multi-purpose kitchen appliances, vehicles almost no larger than the person travelling, and mechanical pets. What would a nanobot look like? It doesn't matter, they're so tiny you can never see them. It's like wondering what the molecules that make up an easy chair look like--you don't care, you just want a comfortable chair, dammit. The project is not without its risks, however. Scientists allude darkly to the "grey goo" problem, saying that nanobots that have the power to change other molecules that they come into contact with into more nanobots could be unstoppable, eventually turning the whole planet into a mass of uncontrolled nanobots. Creepy.
Electronic paper?
Imagine a magical book whose pages can change to become any book you want. Sound like something out of a far-out science fiction story? Well, it is. But it might not be after a few more years. Technicians at IBM, E Ink Inc., and an joint effort of 3M and Xerox PARC are all working on versions of the technology, which involves a plastic-like material with digital ink: thousands of tiny, mutable pixels half the width of a human hair. As with nanobots, however, there is a risk that electronic paper will change everything it touches and destroy the world. You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.
Science proves there is no God
Science has finally won the age-old debate of whether there is a God or not. Fred Mindblaster's research team at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting in Veneer, Maryland developed a new technique for taking account of everything in the universe. The process is done with radio telescopes and is compared to weighing. "The process is very complicated and the weighing metaphor is extremely misleading, but it's the best we could come up with." Mindblaster's team "weighed" the universe with a very powerful radio telescope, and then subtracted out the electromagnetic "weight" of all the things known not to be God. The remaining figure was "far too small to be the weight of an infinite, all-knowing, and all powerful being. Even with a large margin for error in this very new process, we figure an infinite being has to weigh a lot more than what we came up with. Looks like there's no God." The implications for organized religion all over the world will surely be devistating.
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