Earlier this week, President Bush briefly left the alternate universe where he spends most of his time to give a news conference. He was happy to report that the alternate-reality Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is doing a "fine job." Mr. Bush also talked about his plan to save Social Security by having Americans pay some money into "private accounts," which is likely to work in Bush’s alternate dimension. On the international front, the president reported that the Tony Blair's planned Mideast peace conference should go well in his alternate universe, where there's a chance for the Palestinians to form a stable, peaceful state despite Israel’s policies.
Under cover of darkness, a fundamentalist cell operating in Bartow installed a nativity display in front of the County Administration Building that serves as a powerful message to the residents of Polk County. That message is: "We should always have Christ in Christmas." This message may--at the very least in a linguistic sense--be true, but the question is, "Why should we have Christmas in Polk County government?"
To get the cold, hard facts, see the article in the Lakeland Ledger. Tom Hutto, 69, is quoted as saying, "If we don't take a stand, there won't be any Christmas or Christ or Christian religion. We have to take a stand." Huh? Who has to take a stand, Christians or the county government? Was there something stopping these Baptist commandos from putting a display in front of their homes or churches? The last time I checked, a whopping 83 percent of this country identifies as Christian. I don't think there's much danger of there not being any Christian religion any time soon. And as for whether there won't be any Christ if they don't take a stand--well, if taking a stand is all it takes to make Christ exist, then I assure you, He definitely exists. On the other hand, if that's all it takes to make your God exist, then He's kind of a lame God, in my opinion (remember, those are the same existence conditions on Freddy Krueger, at least in the first movie).
Apparently, the Polk County Commission, which has consistently denied permission for religious displays on county property, is too chickenshit to actually take the thing down. They have clearly expressed plans to wait a while, then ask the Baptist terrorists to take it down, then do nothing while the terrorists wait until after Christmas. Except for the infamously stupid and crazy Randy Wilkinson, of course, who wholeheartedly supports the display. Commissioner Wilkinson recently hatched the brilliant scheme of allowing religious displays as long as everybody gets to play. He made an offer to a Jewish temple in Lakeland, which surprisingly wasn't interested. Gee, I wonder why Jews wouldn't want to participate in a Christmas display? Could it be because they're not too stupid to know that Christians have tried to make Hannukah into a big deal for the sole reason that they feel vaguely guilty about public Christmas celebrations and the relatively minor Jewish holiday just happens to be nearby? How would Christians like it if all they got to do was put up a little Columbus Day display next to the Sukkot tent on the lawn of the County Administration Building every year?
Anyway, some good has come of it: the Seinfeld Fan Club put up a Festivus display next to the nativity scene, as reported by the Ledger.
1. Lawyers are not still trying to answer the same stupid questions asked by some unemployed bum in Athens 2,500 years ago.
2. Lawyer jokes have wider appeal than philosophy jokes.
3. Philosophers are not listed in that song about doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs.
4. I'm tired of the tedious grad school practice of choosing which classes I'll take.
5. It's a chance to be better than kids who were cooler than me in high school instead of being the equal of kids who were just as dorky as me in high school.
6. Law and Order.
7. Training in law comes in handy during unexpected drug busts.
8. Chicks are totally hotter in law school.
9. There are chicks in law school.
10. Lawyers' skills will be in demand during the coming revolution.
11. Law school's only three years long--and I’m already in my third year of grad school.
12. There are already way too many dissertations in the world, but just the right number of dissertations written by me.
13. Five letters: ENOYM (not necessarily in that order, and not necessarily having anything to do with my career plans).
President Bush expressed outrage at the failure of the intelligence community to disseminate and act on information about violations of the Geneva Conventions by a rogue nation with nuclear capabilities. FBI documents recently released have shown that FBI agents knew about and reported the torture of prisoners by the country’s military. There is also some evidence that the CIA was aware of the illegal practices. Said President Bush, "This is exactly the kind of thing that the intelligence overhaul bill I signed last week will help prevent. From now on, we'll have greater communication between the many agencies of the intelligence community. And we'll have greater cooperation between those agencies and our military, so that the next time the FBI and CIA see Rumsfeld's military torturing prisoners, they won’t refuse to participate and then give documents that make the military look bad to the ACLU, they'll get right in there and break international law with our brave service men and women. Mission accomplished!"