That's right, Virgin Mary In Grilled Cheese NOT A HOAX ! LOOK & SEE ! (If that link doesn't work, do a search on Ebay including the obvious terms and search by highest price. As of this writing, it's up to $69,107.69 (I wonder if that's a joke bid?) You only have until the 22nd!) It's even been reported upon by one of the nation's most respected Spanish-language newspapers!
Well, south Florida is just a magical place, what can I say? Don't forget Clearwater's Virgin Mary in the window of a bank. What's the Madonna's agenda, that's what I want to know. Why is it that miracles always seem to be things that no one in their right mind would do? I mean, if you had divine powers, would you place an image of yourself on a goddamn sandwich? Only if you were completely nuts. How about curing AIDS? How about that, God and/or Mary? Would it help if I said 'please'?
There's a version of the problem of evil to be worked out here: If God exists, God is omnipotent, ominscient, perfectly benevolent, and not totally insane. If God is omnipotent, ominscient, perfectly benevolent, and not totally insane, then there wouldn't be stupid miracles like faces in grilled cheese. But there are stupid miracles. Therefore, God does not exist. QED.
But all those are very obvious things to say. You didn't come here to hear that. I'm actually going to claim (you'll be surprised to hear) that this sandwich is not a manifestation of (or even a likeness of) the Madonna. And not because I'm a godless atheist, but because of a much more basic reason than that: you can't justifiably think that the sandwich looks like the Virgin Mary because you don't know what the Virgin Mary looks like! I know, I just blew your mind. But I (used to) study epistemology. Trust me on this one.
These image miracles all have this weakness. Every image that looks like a thin, bearded guy with long hair is . . . Jesus Christ! But not even every thin, bearded guy with long hair is Jesus Christ, so why would every image of a thin, bearded guy with long hair be Jesus Christ? And every image that looks like a hooded woman is . . . the Virgin Mary! If my mom puts a shawl over her head, do her face and head become an image of the Mother of Christ? (This is a rhetorical question.) Since nobody has any idea what the actual facial features of either of these people look like, we can't judge whether any particular face or image of a face looks like them. (Incidentally, this is also why anybody can play them in the movies. And I do mean anybody.)
So, to save everyone from being confused about these things, I've collected incontrovertable evidence that Ms. Duyser's grilled cheese is not the Virgin Mary. This is not some atheistic negative argument, like you'd expect a cynical asshole like me to give. It is a substantive, positive claim, with more evidence in its favor than that in favor of the "Virginian" interpretation. To wit:
Diana Duyser's grilled cheese sandwich features the image of Rita Hayworth.
EXHIBIT "A"
EXHIBIT "B"
You see, it is undeniably true that we have more reason to think the image is Rita Hayworth than that it is the Virgin Mary because we know what Rita Hayworth looks like. She looks just like that freaking sandwich, is what she looks like.
Of course, none of this addresses Ms. Duyser's claim to have had good luck since she cooked this sandwich (which she's now willing to give up for money?) or her claim that the sandwich's lack of "disingration" is also miraculous. The first claim falls under my "stupid miracles" argument. Why give some lady in Florida $70,000 dollars of casino money (which she's obviously blown if she now needs to sell her Maddona on Wheat)? Why not stop child abuse once and for all instead?? I leave the second as an exercise for the reader in the application of inference to the best explanation.
I'm sure we've all learned a lot. That is my solem belief.