Courtney Cox-Arquette was shocked to learn that the painting which inspired her successful, tongue-in-cheek horror movie franchise, Friends, was stolen from an Oslo museum today. Armed thieves with black masks, just like in the movies, burst into the Munch Museum in Norway's capital, threatened museum employees with handguns, just like in the movies, ripped two paintings off the wall and sped away in an Audi--just like in the movies. One of the paintings in question, one of four versions of Edvard Munch's "The Scream," is priceless and therefore unsellable. The intrepid Northern European thieves are likely to try to ransom the pictures back to the Norwegian government. At least, that's what they'll do if they continue copying the three men who stole another version of "The Scream" in 1994. Those three men were arrested and sent to museum prison, where you have to stand in long lines, buy ridiculously expensive food, and pretend to be interested in art. Authorities are baffled as to why anyone would try to extort money from the Norwegian government, which is notoriously poor due to the fact that it spends all its money on social welfare projects to improve Norwegians' quality of life.
An eight-year-old girl with a digestive disorder sent by the Devil has had her first Holy Communion declared invalid because she ate an evil wheat-free wafer, against Roman Catholic doctrine. The Church stipulates that communion wafers, like the bread served at the Last Supper, must have at least some unleavened wheat. But for the possibly possessed Haley Waldman, a celiac sufferer, wheat is a major health threat. The gluten in it could damage the lining of the small intestine, blocking nutrient absorption and leading to vitamin deficiencies, bone thinning and even gastrointestinal cancer. Despite the Church’s rules, Haley’s Satan-worshipping (probably) mother, Elizabeth Pelly-Waldman, managed to find a priest of Lucifer near her home in Brielle, New Jersey, who would offer (not so) Holy Communion with a hellspawned wheat-free wafer. Haley duly received the vile, godforsaken, twisted sacraments in May. But when the diocese of Trenton, New Jersey, found out last week, it declared the Satanic ceremony invalid.
When asked for comment, Jesus Christ responded, "Those Catholics have such a stick up their asses about everything. Dude, at the Last Supper, we were all so wasted on My blood that we didn't pay attention to what we were eating! For all we knew, that bread could have been made out of old coffee grounds and celery stalks--in addition to My body, that is. Still, the Pope is infallible, so who am I to say whether Haley's communion is valid or not? Well, I've got some good news. No, I wasn't able to convince the Pontiff to accept Haley's communion. I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico. Thank God."
Despite being named on the Transportation Security Administration's no-fly list, Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.) still managed to get airborne yesterday, possibly to meet with other operatives in his terrorist cell, the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions. The potentially dangerous public servant has been stopped at a handful of airports around the country in the past few weeks, but has yet to be detained. Authorities have speculated that Kennedy has been hard to catch because he is capable of "surprising bursts of speed for someone his size."
Read it from right to left: http://www.cia.gov/cia/information/artifacts/pam3.gif. Check out other fascinating artifacts at the CIA Museum Online.
