News for this Millenian and the next...

Vandewalker elected Student Rep to Humanities Division
Ian Vandewalker beat out all the comptetition to rise to the top in the nasty Humanities Division race last week.  Eddie Vazquez was beaten soundly and has since gone into retirement, though there are rumors that Vandewalker--in a gracious move uncharacteristic of student government politics--has asked Vazquez to serve on the CAA in a less important position.  Some of Vandewalker's detractors claim that this is in fact required by the Constitution of the New College Student Alliance, but there are always those who would try to chip away at the greatness of public figures.  Steve Yacco got only one write-in vote, and no one wrote in "anybody but Ian" at all.

Pee Bucket missing from Laundry Room
New College students are concerned about the mysterious disappearance of the Community Pee Bucket from the Laundry Room in Second Court.  The pink bucket, which is actually more like a clothes hamper, was reported missing sometime early Tuesday.  Residents of Second Court are shocked that such a vicious crime has been committed so close to their home.  Brian Hallmark, one of the founders of the Pee Bucket institution at New College, said that he was "really bummed out.  I mean, where are we supposed to pee now?  In a bathroom?"  Hallmark added that people should remember that the Pee Bucket "belongs to everyone, not to no one."

Ian thinks of really funny joke
Ian Vandewalker, the creative force behind the huge Internet phenomenon, Ian's Website, revealed in a recent press release that he has thought of a really funny joke to put on his popular website.  "This one will really have 'em rolling in the aisles," Vandewalker said.  "A lot of people are going to be talking about how funny this joke is for a long time."

B-dorm Soiree a B-dazzling success
B-dormites and anyone they've B-friended were invited to B-come party animals this Friday at the luxurious B-dorm in Sarasota.  The advice, and it was sound, was to B there or B square.  The scene Friday evening was one of B-eautiful Babes, Bodacious Beaus, and a Bountiful Bar B-stocked with Bottles and Bottles of Bubbly Beverages.  Bo Bentele, Jim Baker, Brian Turk, Brad Brian, Dean Bassis, and Brooke Sheilds all made appearances.  This corny joke has been brought to you by the letter B and the number 31.

Inconceivables have the audience laughing 'til they puke
The improv comedy troupe, "The Inconceivables" (i before e except after c), plopped down another solid show Friday evening.  The yuks started punctually at 8:30, and continued throughout almost the whole show.  Such side splitting one liners as, "It is a bit profuse, isn't it?" and "Welcome to another episode of Porking Gynecologists," kept the audience convulsing with laughter until time ran out and the Drugs team stumbled home with the prize, whatever that was.  One highlight of the almost-too-funny show was the first bit, which featured Bo Bentele killing all the other improvisors with a shovel!  Possibly the best part of the bit was the setting, a Graveyard, which was suggested by a member of the  audience in a hilarious Dracula accent.