Johnny Cash died this week at the age of 71. He was one of the truly great voices in American music. A talented storyteller, Cash wrote deeply personal songs about the hardships of common life, struggles with temptation, and the power of faith. While many Americans were profoundly saddened by the news, one man took it as an opportunity to help others in the only way he knows how. Pediatric dentist Alex Fulsom of Elletsville, Indiana has always used fantasy narratives to teach children about the dangers of tooth decay. The news of Cash's death inspired Fulsom to make up a story about a young man named "Johnny Splash" who has to fight his temptation to eat sweets called "yumphetamines." Although the character eventually triumphs over this weakness, his single-minded focus on one threat to his dental well-being leaves him vulnerable to another: Johnny Splash forgets to brush regularly, causing him to become the pathetic and frightening figure known as "The Man in Plaque."
The Go-Cats, mutant feline warriors brought to Earth five thousand years ago in an interdimensional rift caused by the neverending battle of sorcery between two galactic wizards, were awakened recently by a senior citizen looking for shells at the beach. The Go-Cats' leader and spiritual advisor, Pawfather, has been studying the ways of Earth's inhabitants since discovering their predicament. According to early reports, he planned to have the Go-Cats use their fantastic abilities to protect the human race from alien aggressors and perhaps even from itself. He told his fellow aliens (including Purrcephalus, the showy and egotistical magician; Wizkarz, the technological whiz; Meowalina, the beautiful mistress of circles; Tunabreth, the strongman; and Katnapp, the irreverent youth) to resume the martial training to which they were accustomed on their homeworld. However, it now seems that Pawfather, after learning more about the geopolitical and entertainment trends here, has decided that the Go-Cats' efforts would not be fully appreciated. Instead of becoming superheroes, they have chosen to live alone on the beach, where there are unlimited supplies of fish to eat and sand to poop in.
It's kind of embarrassing, but I was scanning radio stations in my car the other day and I came across the smooth jazz station, which I ordinarily never listen to. But the song that was on had kind of a funky bass line and a drum machine, and I thought maybe it was, like, old school hip hop for a second, like Fresh Prince or something. But then there was this really long sax solo. But I didn't change it because, I don't know, it sounded kind of cool. I know smooth jazz is really cheesy and lame, believe me I know that, but this song was really funky. I mean, these guys were really laying down a groove. I even found myself moving my head in time to the music for a while. Then they went into a guitar solo and the guy didn't have any distortion on at all, so that was really annoying and I changed the station.