The number of bunny rabbits killed in Bunnyland since the bunny killing season officially ended now equals the number of bunnies killed during the season: about 140. Bunny rabbit advocates are decrying the fact that the official declaration of the end of bunny killing season seems to have had little to do with the actual rate of bunny deaths. Many are calling for the evacuation of all rabbits from Bunnyland, as the area has surprisingly proved to be an exceedingly dangerous place for bunnies. Some Washington analysts are calling President Bush a hypocritical bastard for calling on the nation to support its bunnies while simultaneously moving to reduce bunny combat bonuses and other bunny benefits.
"Well, shiver me timbers!" called slapstick comic Ian Vandewalker from his pirate ship, the Krinkly Dubloon upon the Hyye Seas. "Be ye wantin' to hear the tale of the bathtub what wouldn’t stop spewin' water all over my poop deck, then? Well, the sea were angry that day, friend, angrier'n a cat what had no mouth an' weren't able to eat fish ner any other kind of edible treat, aye. Fortunately, at the time an' place of this story, the sea were a thousand mile away, so her terrible anger couldn’t harrrm me. But ye knew that, didn't ye lad? Aye, yer smart as paint, says I. 'Twere in my new efficiency in Bloomington, it were. I were feelin' it were time fer me monthly bathin', an’ so I tries to turn on the shower. But I can't figure out how to turn it on--arr, if only you’d a been there, my lad! So I unscrews the faucet, parrrtially by accident, like, an' the most heinous amounts of water be spurtin' from the exposed pipe, the likes of which I never saw and hope never to see again! The ensuin' flood caused yer ol' matey Ian a great deal o' sorrow and fear fer his possessions, I tell ye. I manages to get most of the water to go in the tub, an' I runs to me neighbor's, soppin' wet an' lookin' not unlike a stray dog askin' fer shelter from a storm. The neighbor kindly allows me the use of her portable hailin' device to call me property manager's Maintenance Hotline. When I gets back to me house, I sees the water is nigh unto spillin' over the edge of the tub, so I grabs me garbage can an' bails fer me life! T'weren't long until me maintenance man, Joe, calls back on me neighbor’s hailin' device, tellin' me the shut-off valve were right under the sink! So I thanks the good Lord fer His mercy an' shuts off the water, thinkin' I were now pullin' into calmer waters, as it were (not knowin' there were rough seas ahead, yet). This were Saturday evenin' 'round the time o' the Cat Adoptin' Singles Parrrty. Joe told me that he needed a part and couldn’t fix me pipes 'til Monday, leavin' me without water fer the weekend! 'Twere a hard day and a half, says I--but not the hardest I’ve everrr seen. Aye."
The proposed movie version of the above story--which preserves the subtle joke from the print version wherin a pirate character refers to his bathroom as a "poop deck"--has already hit a snag in pre-production with the revelation that the suggested title, "Bathtub Adventure," has already been used as the title of a pornographic video about two young women who discover that their excessive bathing has begotten a water bill higher than they can pay. They decide to sell tickets to a series of lascivious parties in and around their bathtub to make money, but the resultant increase in water usage embroils them in a vicious cycle from which there appears to be no escape. The titles "Bathtub Adventure 2," "Bathtub Adventure 3," "Bathtub Adventure 4," and "Bathtub Adventure 5: Chrissy and Danielle Rent Out the Y," have all also been taken.
Ian Vandewalker, editor-in-chief of ANE Magazine, long ago discovered that web searches for the title of his parody of Jane yielded hits for a French Internet publication as well as for his own. Looking back now, Vandewalker wonders why he was never even the slightest bit curious about the subject matter of the other Ane Magazine. "For some reason, I assumed it was some kind of half-assed literary theory or cultural studies thing. I can’t for the life of me figure out where I got such an idea," remarked Vandewalker, in seclusion in the East Wing. He continued, "I never even thought to follow the link from Google and just, you know . . . check it out." As it turns out, the epithet Vandewalker so fondly thinks of as a semi-homophone of his first name, has what could be viewed as a derogatory meaning to francophones. "It means ass," said Vandewalker, head bowed in embarrassment. The appropriately-named French Âne Magazine is devoted to donkeys and the people who love them. Unfortunately, the bad news doesn't stop there. The French word 'âne,' like the English word 'ass,' also means 'fool.' Said Vandewalker, "It could have just been about donkeys, a simple biological term. The donkey is a noble and hardy beast, very sure-footed, if somewhat abrasive in its vocalizations. But no! They had to make me a fool as well! The cochons!"