A recently released Defense Department document reveals some of the alternate codenames for our current war. The document, an interagency memo originating from FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, gives the short list of options:
In the document, Agent Cooper mentions that “Operation Iraqi Fiefdom” was the favorite at the time the memo was written, because it sums up not just the spirit of the military campaign, but that of the plan for the reconstruction of Iraq as well. The preferred codename is associated in the document with some mysterious references to “adding a fifty-first star to the flag.” Defense Department sources now claim that “Operation Iraqi Fiefdom” was in fact selected by the president and intended to be the actual codename, but a garbled transmission to Dan Rather resulted in the misleading name, “Operation Iraqi Freedom,” being reported by the press. President Bush, watching the news to find out whether the US had gone to war yet, heard Rather use the incorrect name and forgot that he (Bush) had decided otherwise. He began using the (then incorrect) codename around the White House in an attempt to prove that he was not completely ignorant of matters of foreign policy, effectively changing the operation’s codename mid-deployment. The Defense Department then had to get all new T-shirts, bumper stickers, and commemorative coffee mugs made to say “Operation Iraqi Freedom.” Reports that the old, outdated merchandise will still be available on the federal government’s online store have not been confirmed.
The primitive society of the inhabitants of Auburndale, Florida has been forever altered with the infusion of Hamskin™ Pork Snaks into their culture, economy, and diet. The native religious leaders, called witch-magic doctors, have long prohibited the ingestion of the processed meat of ungulates. There has always been some question on the part of the witch-magic doctors and their patrons as to whether pigs are in fact, ungulates, and whether various snack food products actually contain any pig materials.
When eccentric millionaire Andrew Packard bought the small Florida community in 2001, he undertook to dispel many of their deviant, primitive practices. He introduced the natives to Western customs such as marital infidelity, communism, arena football, barbecue chicken pizza, plate tectonics, the Dixie Chicks, and the month of February. All of these things were seamlessly integrated into Auburndale’s primitive culture, many of them being familiar and beloved parts of that culture already. But Pork Snaks were an entirely different proposition. The product was initially resisted by tribal chieftains and witch-magick docktors, most of whom disappeared or died in mysterious accidents involving poisonous metal bullets fired at great speeds from the muzzles of fierce carnivorous dogs. Packard denies responsibility for many of these incidents, suggesting that a copycat killer took over after his first two or three murders. A number of the dead witch-magique doquetors came back from the grave and told local citizens that it was okay to eat the Pork Snaks as long as the product was not “unclean” (meaning it could not be covered with dirt or toxic chemicals). There has been some suggestion on the part of irresponsible muckrakers that Packard paid off these “ghosts,” or “spirits.” Inquiries as to the veracity of these allegations have been referred to:
13013 Butt Ugly Street
Crabapple, MN 44445.
In soccer action Monday, these guys totally creamed these other guys 3 to 1. The ball-kicking and running scene was really off the hook the whole game, which lasted like, an hour or something. Both teams’ goalies put in good performances, except the one guy didn’t really have to do much. The match was a hardcore battle between the offense of the “red team” and the defense of the “gray team,” both of whom were completely freakin’ radical. Surprisingly, nobody made any “gay team” jokes about the “gray team.” But the most intense moment of the game happened when these two guys both went to give the ball head and totally nailed each other with their faces. The one dude had blood shooting all over the place (out of his nose and stuff) and they had to call some guy with a fanny pack full of band-aids and stuff. It was really crazy.
Sources close to 300-pound gorilla Ian Vandewalker have pointed to the fact that Vandewalker recently watched a number of episodes of the absurd British sketch-comedy television series Monty Python’s Flying Circus when asked to explain an overly bizarre bit that recently appeared on Vandewalker’s website (see above). When asked for comment, Vandewalker said something about the BBC not allowing him to comment on his website on his website, at which point the Sheriff’s Department dispatched Deputy Andy Brennan, who came and took Vandewalker away in an enormous jellyfish with human feet.