In the Y.O.O.L 2002, the popular comedy website, Ian’s Website, ran its most popular feature, Headlines, almost once a month. The actual total came to 10 issues in a year (just like Jane Magazine). Internet mogul and red herring Ian Vandewalker issued a statement, saying, “We’re going to have to bust our butts to keep that pace up this year. Because it’s about quality, you know? That’s what keeps them coming back. Quality.”
Fanboy collector Ian Vandewalker took advantage of the impossibility of mind-reading to unabashedly buy a Masters of the Universe figure earlier today. “Yeah, I’ve been really excited about the Four Horsemen redesigns of the old MOTU toys, and at some point I decided it would be okay to get a couple of figures. I really want Trapjaw, but he’s pretty hard to find. The only figures I’ve been able to find in stores are Tri-Klops and all the deluxe figures like Samurai He-Man, 1950’s Nostalgia Skeletor, and Booger-Eating Man-At-Arms. But today I saw a regular He-Man in K-Mart, and I thought, what the hell.” Vandewalker’s casual interest in cognitive science helped him make the decision. “Normally, I’d be really embarrassed about buying a kid’s toy for myself. But as I was going through the figures looking for one with an uncreased packing card, I realized the family next to me didn’t know I wasn’t buying a birthday present for my little cousin or something. They even could have thought I was just looking, I guess. The cashiers, on the other hand, there’s no fooling them. You have to look them in the eye, pay for the thing, and walk out of the store with it. But with a toy--unlike with say, condoms--I can just pretend that I’m buying it for a child I know. I didn’t even have to lie, because that’s just the automatic assumption people are going to make. It’s great!”
Earlier today, former philanthropist and disgraced local veterinarian Stu Mackenzie spent a full 40 minutes in dalliance with the hilarity that is Ian's Website. In particular, Ian's random photo-links made him feel "confused and dirty", to his apparent gratification. "I loved the cunning Marmite ruse," chuckled Mackenzie, who had allegedly been drawn by an exciting image of this beloved vegetable extract only to find himself at the website of the egregious Britney Spears. The delighted Brit immediately advised Vandewalker of his considerable amusement. "The remarkable thing is, thanks to a recent trip to England, I have some Marmite in my house at this very moment, so I'm extending Ian an invitation to come over for Marmite-on-toast and a showing of 'The Big Lebowski' at his earliest convenience." A spokesperson for Vandewalker Publishing reported that reclusive Ian is "excited" by the offer, but that "details must be negotiated" with his image consultant, Eric Schaaf. -Contributed by Stuart Mackenzie
A seemingly endless game of darts at the Video Saloon this weekend became a source of discomfort for sports fan Ian “My Bucs went all the way” Vandewalker. Vandewalker, who was not playing, wanted to help by cheering the participants on. In trying to come up with humorous words of encouragement, Vandewalker found quotes from the long running TV game show, “The Price is Right,” repeatedly coming to mind. “I kept wanting to say, ‘Nice and easy,’ and then when they missed again, say, ‘That was not nice and easy,' just like Bob Barker always does. But I didn’t know if people would get it. So I just did a lot of ‘Be the dart’ stuff. It was still pretty funny.”