Merry Maids Cleaning Service in Normanville, Ohio has recently become subject to increased U.N. scrutiny as a result of suspicions that it is attempting to create and stockpile weapons of mess destruction. In accepting the terms of the 1991 truce between Merry Maids and Maid-to-Order in nearby Grundelburg, Merry Maids’ leaders agreed to "destroy or render harmless" all weapons of mess destruction. According to the CIA, Merry Maids has "rebuilt key portions of its chemical production infrastructure for industrial and commercial use, as well as its solvent production facilities." The CIA also notes that Merry Maids has attempted to acquire a wide range of "dual-use" materials, ostensibly for legitimate civilian use, that could be used in the development of weapons of mess destruction. The U.N. Cleanliness Council is negotiating the terms of a resolution that would put inspectors back to work at Merry Maids, and debate in the world community continues as to whether the U.S. and its allies should initiate military action without waiting for a new U.N. resolution.
Terrorist cells have infiltrated the school systems of the United States, striking America where it is perhaps most vulnerable: in the everyday lives of its children. “The terrorists stole my Yu-Gi-Oh cards,” claims Luisa Hernandez, a second-grader at Thomas Jefferson Elementary in Paris, Texas. “Terrorist activity is at its highest level since the early eighties,” said kindergarten teacher Heather Allison. “Just this week we’ve had a dozen terrorist thefts, four terrorist-related student fights, and several terrorist acts of vandalism directed at teachers, school officials, and Justin Timberlake.” The problem is even worse in middle and high schools. “Bobby Reece is a terrorist,” claims seventh-grader Matthew Ford. “He asked my girlfriend, Rachelle, if she would break up with me for him. He also takes Latin instead of Spanish like everybody else.” Terrorist literature has been circulated at Lake Mead Junior High in Winter Park, Florida, despite desperate attempts by school officials to clamp down on students’ ability to read. Varsity soccer player Donnell Jordan brought an editorial cartoon to school which portrayed singer Christina Aguilera as a slutty, no-talent bimbo, and eighth-grade class secretary Sandy Barber wore a shirt with the words “Boys Suck” printed on it. “The terrorist activity in our schools will be stopped, if we have to bring in the god damn National Guard to do it,” vowed Lake Mead assistant principle Bill Washington.
Investigation into NASA records initiated by the recent space shuttle disaster has revealed the agency’s plans to create weapons of Mars destruction. “NASA has long been devoted to the exploration of space, but now it seems that it is also bent on destroying familiar and beloved parts of our solar system,” said Tex Arkana, a lawyer with the space-exploration watchdog agency, Never Again Should American Space Undergo X-ploration, or NASASUX. “We here at NASASUX have suspected for a long time that there was some kind of hidden agenda behind all those rockets and space stations and stuff. We weren’t sure if maybe it was the attempt to change the color of space, make it pink instead of black, or if it was the attempt to create an antenna that would reach all the way to Alpha Centauri. Even those of us who suspected they wanted to blow something up couldn’t have guessed what it would be. Mercury? Halley’s Comet? The sun? Who could have guessed it would be our beloved red planet?”
Crowder Brothers Hardware Store in Lakeland, Florida is under investigation by the U.S. State Department to discover whether the store stocks and sells weapons of mouse destruction. The details of this now-familiar gag are perhaps irrelevant, but the store’s owner is accused of regularly doing business with the manufacturers of Just One Bite© mousetraps, which kill the hell out of mice and rats by crushing their heads and/or necks when they try to eat the bait on a little spring-loaded trigger.
Jukey’s been waiting to say something to you for a long time. Jukey’s been keepin’ quiet up to now because Jukey didn’t want to rock the boat. But this time, you gone to far. You made Jukey too mad, and he can’t hold it in any more. So just shut your mouth for five seconds and listen to what Jukey has to say. Please see “Jukey,” page 12B.
Local entrepreneur Danny Stevens met a gin-soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis earlier this week. Eyewitness reports indicate that the unnamed woman took Stevens upstairs “for a ride.” Stevens was so intoxicated that the woman had to physically carry him up the stairs. In an apparently unrelated incident, Stevens also had a sexual encounter with a divorced woman in New York City. Stevens’ recounting of the incident included a puzzling metaphor to the effect that the woman “blew” his “nose.” It is unclear at the present time whether Stevens’ mention of being covered with roses is also a metaphor or whether large amounts of flowers actually were involved.
Supporters of moss and lichen are speaking out in response to the drastic reductions in moss populations throughout North America. Some are suspicious that a rogue state has acquired weapons of moss destruction and is using them against our own byroids. These weapons of moss destruction, should they exist, could potentially also be used against lichen, or even ivy and other tree-climbing plants.