World-renowned concert pianist Ian Vandewalker has been deliberating for some time now as to whether he should tell his new friends in Bloomington about his popular comedy website, Ian’s Website. Some of the members of the philosophy department are quite computer savvy, and Vandewalker is often embarrassed at the amazingly shoddy web design evident throughout the site. There is also the concern that people who don’t know Ian very well won’t “get it.” With so much to “get,” this is a major problem. UC Davis communications major John Wilkes Booth said of the site, “There’s a lot of postmodern self-reference going on there, and that’s very hard to understand if you come in in the middle, or if you’re not, you know, postmodern and stuff.” Postmodernity aside, Vandewalker’s oft-stated goal for his website is to make fun of the things he holds most dear, himself and his website both falling squarely into that category. “Imagine coming up on the current homepage, Krinklyman2002. Now try to imagine, hard as it may be, that you’ve never seen Ian’s Website before. None of those little pictures would mean anything to you. The cheese? The person wearing makeup? Even the brain itself would mean absolutely nothing to a person not intimately familiar with the history of this project,” said Vandewalker in a taped interview with a potted plant in the waiting room of a dentist’s office. (The interview was conducted by the dentist. It was taped by the potted plant. The plant was in the waiting room. Ian was in the Tampa International Airport. The dentist was in person. The interview was taped live, on live tape. The tape was killed in the making of the interview.)
Two residents of a small hobbit community, The Shire, are on a quest that has brought them into the scorched territory of the rapidly expanding land of Mordor. Despite the overwhelming challenges they face, the halflings, Randy Wilkinson and Buddy Fletcher, remain resolute in their task. They have been joined by the mysterious creature Smeagol, also called Tara Reid. Though Reid has helped them navigate Mordor’s treacherous wastes, neither Wilkinson nor Fletcher trust him. Fletcher, former mayor of Lakeland, Florida and current possessor of the One Ring, has a mysterious power over the duplicitous Reid, but it is unclear whether the pathetic creature will end up serving good or evil.
The classic movie monsters of the 1950’s have reunited for their first new album in 18 years. The CD, Monsta Mizash Oh Tray, represents a clear change of direction for the monsters. Count Dracula, The Mummy, Frankenstein’s Monster, The Wolfman, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon have all returned for the new recording, although some of them are a little different now than their fans may remember. Frankenstein’s Monster now sports a mullet and calls himself “Bruce Springstein and the E Street Band.” The Mummy has straightened up his act, kicking his notorious heroin addiction and starting a midnight basketball league in Madison. The Creature from the Black Lagoon, who has released soundtrack and compilation singles under the names “The Black Creature from the Lagoon,” “The Black from Creature Lagoon,” and “The Black-Ass Creature from Wherever the F@#k I Came From,” has apparently settled on the truncated “C Black.” Count Dracula is much the same as he always was--perhaps due to his immortality--although he has given up his role as frontman, allowing the new album to be more of a collaborative effort than the group’s work in the ‘70’s.
The monsters have almost completely put their spotty solo careers behind them for this effort. Fans who stayed true to The Wolfman through his dabblings in hardcore rap (who could forget his howling over the Funkadelic sample, “bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay” or his Wolf Doggy Mann Dogg persona?) may appreciate the toned-down Wolfman that comes through on this album. He’s not exactly man’s best friend, but he’s no wolf in sheep’s clothing either. His softer side shows on the ballad, “The Boy who Cried Wolfman (And Made Wolfman Cry).” Dracula, who has enjoyed the most solo success of all the monsters, seems to have made a deliberate effort to let the other talents take the spotlight on this new release. However, some of the best songs still show his influence, especially “Bring yo’ Bling” which has some surprisingly personal subject matter from the often reclusive Dracula: “Let me see yo’ neck, I wanna see your gold shine/ Bright in the night, not like sunshine in the daytime/ Leave that crucifix at home if the crib you’re comin’ to is mine/ ‘Cause when you’re down for the Count, we be undead and feelin’ fine.” The album’s hidden track, “We’re Gonna Kill Children (Cause That’s What Monsters Do)” is a surprise gem, and rumors of a remix and radio edit have already begun.
Fans of Ian’s Website will remember the ignorant Swede’s disapproving (and totally bogus) attitude from way back in the first headlines. Somebody’s singing a different tune now--a tune of praise for this website. And the person singing that tune is Keith Gunnar Bentele. That’s right. You know you like it. Say it. Ian’s Website rules. What. What. You better recognize. Yes.