The News, and nothing but the News...

Nasty bird fight erupts at dinner
Yesterday outside the Marriott eating facility at New College in Sarasota, a brutal altercation broke out between two birds.  The birds were identified as crows by eyewitnesses.  The reasons for the fight were not clear, but witnesses said they heard one bird say something about the other bird's momma, and the second bird retort, "Well, you're so ugly, they had to hang a piece of meat on a rope around your neck when you were a child so that the dog would play with you, because it wouldn't want to play with something as ugly as you otherwise."  Then the first bird called the second bird a "jerk."  That is apparently when the feathers started to fly.  The fight broke up when University Police Officer Roarty rode up in a golf cart from the Cop Shop, which is thirty feet away.  Upon seeing the long arm of the law reaching for them, both birds started running away.  When they realized flying would be faster, they did that.

Local cat did something really cute today
The Lovely Miss Willis reported earlier that her cat, Pinky, did something really cute today.

Square wristwatches really aren't cool
Wristwatches with square faces are still being seen on the wrists of people who should know better.  This comes as sad news to conscientious hipsters and fashion moguls all over.  Just the other day, a young man who will remain anonymous was wearing a square watch in a class being held in College Hall.  I was like, whatever, get a clue.

New Natural Sciences Building burns down
The brand new Natural Sciences Building was completely destroyed in a fire yesterday.  All that was left were two microscopes and a charred Periodic Table of the Elements.  Professor Leo Demski was badly injured trying to save a reanimated fish brain from the burning builidng.  He is in stable condition in the Campus Wellness Center's Severe Burns Unit in Parkview House.  New College benefactor General Heiser said that the destruction of the building was "a real shame," but put up the money for an even bigger facility after picking up loose change from under the floor mats in his car.

Funny Face routine getting old

Girl in bra ad really pretty
Ian Vandewalker is reported to have said that the model in a Sears advertisement in the ad supplement to the Sunday newspaper was "really, really pretty."  He is alledged to have stared at the picture of her in a lacy underwire cup model for quite some time, muttering about how pretty she was, and saying, "I mean, she should be in Victoria's Secret, or something."

Tom's Cosmic Radio "pretty much rules"
The popular improv rock/death metal band Tom's Cosmic Radio performed at the Four Winds Cafe in Sarasota Saturday.  The band had a rough time at the show.  Frontman Chris Mitchell was still working the kinks out of his new keyboard, which looks small but sounds huge.  Drummer Ian Vandewalker had just added some junk to his drumset, and kind of had a headache.  Several times during the performance, members of the audience flung themselves onto the stage in an effort to get closer to the famous rock stars.  The musicians were fortunately not seriously injured, and proceded to rock out.  One fan said of the band, "TCR? I live right near them, they pretty much rule."