Multimedia mogul Ian Vandewalker has released a new women’s magazine named after himself--sort of. “The title, Ane, is based on a really neat joke I have where I rearrange the letters in my name a lot, especially at the ends of emails. One of my favorites is AIN, which is phonetically the same as ANE,” Vandewalker said at a press conference Tuesday. “And that’s how my redneck neighbors back in Lakeland say my name,” he added. The alternate spelling has the added advantage of being the last three letters of ‘Jane,’ which is the title of a new movie by Jerry Bruckheimer. The movie is based on a semiautobiographical book by Jane Austin in which terrorists try to take over the United States by pretending to be beloved characters from daytime television programs.
“I’m excited at the chance to move beyond the poop jokes and political commentary that make up most of Ian’s Website. This new magazine is a chance to really strut my stuff as an editor of a parody women’s magazine. Now I can show the Internet that I really have my finger right up the pulse of the nation.” Vandewalker added that he’s especially happy to be able to make gay jokes under the pretense of being a self-conscious liberal and even criticize himself for it before anyone else can. “The format is really great. I just look at a page of an existing magazine, and copy it, except with silly words and references to--you know--geek stuff.”
Check out Ane at www.geocities.com/anemag.
Okay, so when Supreme Chancellor Palpatine and that blue guy with the horns are talking about how they need someone to vote to give Palpatine emergency powers so he can make an army, are they serious, or is that just to trick Jar Jar? Because Amidala was going to vote against creating an army, right? But then they talk like she would be all about giving Palpatine the extra powers or whatever. Are they lying? Because there’s a bunch of other people in the room, and they don’t say anything--what’s up with that? So then do they seriously believe that Amidala would want to create an army for the Republic once she knew about the Separatists’ droid army? Why didn’t they just try to contact her to ask her? They didn’t know that she was MIA on Geonosis at that point, did they?
Ian’s recent visit to Sarasota for the graduation festivities went well, sources reported Tuesday. The party started long before the ceremony, with much staying up late and chilling poolside. On Friday afternoon, the ceremony was beautiful, with the bay and the sunset and everything. The featured speaker, Cornel West, was by far the best graduation speaker anybody could remember; indeed, he is the only one whose speech wasn’t mind-numbingly boring. PCP had a theme or something, and that was cool. The much-anticipated reunion of Tom’s Cosmic Radio pretty much jammed, with a large and raucous crowd present for the revival of such classics as “Butterflies” and “Voodoo Stomp.” The TCR show started around 2 AM and went until close to dawn. Shortly after the legendary PCP Breakfast showed up, the cops “cleared out Palm Court,” and everyone went to the Crease, or Palm Alley, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. There everybody milled around for a while until a few miscreants started a keg-stand party. There was a semi-aborted pool party around 10 or 11, after which people really started giving up the ghost and going home. The physical and mental torture of lack of sleep aside, it was all pretty fun.
An eleventh-hour phone call from Tim O’Connor of the Indiana University philosophy department has saved pretentious egghead Ian Vandewalker from battling the worst snowfall in the nation. Until the morning of April 15, Vandewalker had to assume that he was going to Rochester University, his “safe school” in the application process and a chilling prospect in more ways than one. But the last-minute acceptance at IU has opened up a new world of Midwestern opportunities for the young scholar. High-school best buddy Spencer Mahoney lives and attends school in Bloomington, so it looks like there’s something of a reunion on the books for the old friends. “Most exciting of all is the chance to go to an entirely new place and try to make friends on my own,” Vandewalker said sarcastically in a telephone interview.
As you know, Mr. Vandewalker, we are committed to quality of service and meaningful customer relationships. Unfortunately, not every individual is suited to our unique and highly sought-after service. With this in mind, we regret to inform you that we are no longer able to continue your membership. We want you to know that this decision has been hard for us, but we feel it is in the best interests of both you and our organization that we terminate our business relationship. Our company is taking a new direction, and clients who use terms like "amalgamatize" and "congruentication" are regretably not a part of that new direction.
We are pleased to tell you that you still have 30 days before your account is completely terminated, leaving you plenty of time to pursue other alternatives. You will also be happy to know that you can visit our website for a full description of our company's new initiative that will surely answer any questions you may have about the termination of our services. Also available on our website is a list of potential alternatives for you to consider, if you wish.
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