Florida cracker Ian Vandewalker has packed up and moved to Tucson, Arizona--a dramatic change from his habit of living in Florida for his entire life. When asked repeatedly, especially by Tucsonans, why he chose to move to the desert town, Vandewalker only responds by cocking his head and mumbling, "Ehh, you know, you gotta live somewhere." Vandewalker and his serious girlfriend, Jessica Willis, drove cross-country with large, gray-and-white cat in tow last month. They found a nice house underground near the University of Arizona, named it "Manifest Destiny," and they haven't looked back. Graduate sociology student Keith Bentele moved in a few weeks later, and now he lives there, too. Furniture purchases have been minimal, with trash pile finds and homemade pieces being the norm. Life at Manifest Destiny is good, and with an entire case of soymilk in the cabinet, it can only get better.
The eccentric world traveler Ian Vandewalker issued a statement earlier this week which addressed how he feels about his life in Tucson. "It's nice, I like [Tucson], and I like the desert and the mountains, and the house is okay . . . but I wish I had a decent job. It's like I can't relax and, you know, just chill. I feel so unsettled all the time not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from."
Animal lover Ian Vandewalker has recently been hired by the Hermitage No-Kill Cat Shelter as a poop-scooper/floor-mopper. The job pays $5.75 an hour and involves working on Saturday.
Last night's Robots and Zombies in Tucson Association (RAZITA) mixer/battle-for-world-domination between Robots and Zombies was held at Manifest Destiny in Tucson, AZ. The event was a ruthless battle to the finish between the two factions. Robots and Zombies are thought of by some as natural enemies, and that animosity was evident in the tone of last night's battle. The two sides were evenly matched early on, at two to two, but then a host of four Robots all showed up at once. Another Zombie shuffled in soon after, followed by a defection of one of the Robots to the side of the undead with a transformation in to an abominous Zom-Bot. The battle raged for some time with neither side showing a clear advantage. But the late arrival of another Robot sealed the mathematical victory for the heartless machines. Commentators have said that the Zombies battled impressively, showing a willingness to endlessly pursue victory no matter what the odds. One witness was quoted as saying, "It's like in those zombie movies when they just keep coming, even though you shoot at them, or lock the door, or whatever, they just keep coming. They're really determined." There are already rumors of a rematch later this year, but RAZITA would not comment on any plans for another event in Tucson. However, with Halloween next month, there is the possibility for loose-cannon Robots or Zombies to take matters into their own hands--or metal pinchers--in unsanctioned street battles.
