Holiday News from Happy Lakeland
Vandewalker Internationally Published!
Despite quiet, polite, and mostly half-hearted protests from the author, small-town egghead Ian Vandewalker has been internationally recognized for his philsophical ability. The prestigious and long-lived Prolegomena, a Canadian online undergraduate journal, grudgingly agreed to publish one of Vandewalker's thrilling philosophical papers. The paper is written on the subject of epistemology, and the title, "Reliabilism and the Threat of Supernatural Counterexamples," seems to promise the excitement of an H. P. Lovecraft story, or perhaps a Wes Craven film, but delivers only the usual dry prose from the young philosopher-in-training. Loyal fans of Vandewalker's work will be surprised by depth into which he goes in explaining his own supernatural "counterexample," which surely only confuses things. People who like ice cream may enjoy sections of the paper, but no one in their right mind would sit through the whole thing.
When asked for his reaction to being published, Vandewalker said, "Well, this is some of my most recent work. I just came up with that ice cream thing a few months ago. I'm really proud to be considered an equal to the likes of Kimberley Brownlee and Chris Lowry. But most exciting to me is the possibility that this might help me get into one of the grad schools I applied to. No kidding." Wise words from a young man who seems wise beyound his years, and yet . . . childish and stubborn to a surprising degree.
Ian Welcomed Home with Cat, Cooked Vegetables
Local amphibious mammal Ian Vandewalker made the long trek home to Lakeland Wednesday with a minimum of trouble. Both laundry and student made it to 2112 and the smiling faces of cat and parents. Phineas shedded extra to show her excitement at the homecoming. Thanksgiving dinner was an amazing array of some of Ian's favorite vegetables, including Brussel's sprouts, carrots, butternut squash, and best of all, roast potatoes. Then there was a lot of football, and after that, more football. Overall, Thanksgiving was a great success.
Country Gives Up on Getting New President
The American people shrugged collectively Saturday afternoon. After more than a week of not knowing who the new president of the United States will be and hearing about nothing but bitterness and immaturity from the Democratic and Republican candidates, America has decided that it doesn't care anymore. "Let whoever have the White House, they're both a**holes anyway." "What about that Vader guy? Why not give it to him? He got, like, 3%, and enough people like Star Wars to give him a mandate to lead." Some of the quotes heard across the nation this weekend, as the media and anybody who still pays attention to the media continue to train their telescopic lenses of truth on the wacky state of Florida.
The Florida Supreme court decided "in favor of Gore" by correcting a contradiction in Florida law which made it physically impossible to execute a hand recount. Republicans of course recognize this as an instance of anarchistic, Democratic, political, illegal lawmaking by the high court. If anybody has a right to sling accusations of partisianism, it is surely the Republicans, with their upstanding and neutral supporters Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris. George Bush, Mr. States-Rights, has now gone to the Unites States Supreme Court in an effort to overturn Florida's decision in an area universally and constitutionally recognized to be solely the domain of the state. Miami-Dade's reaction to the state high court's ruling that the spirit of the law is better served if the deadline is pushed back has been to give up the hand recount by saying it still doesn't have enough time. Apparently reasoning to the effect that more time is what they just got and that it is illegal to stop a recount if there is any reason to question the accuracy of previous counts does not sway the Canvassing Board of Dade County. Of course this is a blow to the Gore camp, as the Vice President would surely pick up more votes in Miami--votes that have already been cast by citizens and belong to Al Gore. Not votes made up by the Democratic Party, but votes that were cast by Floridians in the hopes that they might be counted and used as a basis for the decision of who gets to be president. Naive Floridians. Obviously, if there isn't enough time to count your votes before an arbitrarily set deadline, your political voice doesn't matter.
The employees of the news desk here at Ian's Website put their heads together and finally decided on a way to elect a president. We hereby present it to the American people and hope that they find it satisfactory. Simply take the result of the popular election, and make whoever got second place president, even if he or she is a bumbling idiot with no political experience, unquestioned class and race biases, and a sincere desire to turn American government into pure capitalism, where we would all be ruled by whoever has the most money. We at Ian's Website are confident that the people of the United States will take our suggestion to heart and allow this to happen.
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