Oh, What a Democracy!
Bush, Gore Win Election
George W. Bush will be the next president of the United States. So will Al Gore. In a joint statement earlier today, the presidents-elect promised to uphold the spirit and feeling of the Constitution and to never turn their backs on the news media again. Allegations that Tom Brokaw decided the election unfairly have been flying since he variously announced Donald Duck, Nusrat Ali Khan, Carrottop, Ronald Reagan, Mount Mickinley, Benjamin Franklin, the Andromeda Galaxy, and Shell Corporation as the next president. He finally settled on the Republican and Democratic candidates, however, in an episode of election drama that will surely have citizens calling for the return of electoral power to them instead of the news networks. Advisors of both camps have assured the nation that the new administration will take its place with a minimum of bloodshed. Ralph Nader has pledged to work diligently for Bush in the coming years, as he did during the campaign.
Electoral College Throws its Symbolic Hands Up
"Look, I don't know how many times I can explain this to you!" Words of exasperation yesterday from the Dean of the Electoral College, where classes have been cancelled in anticipation of post-election violence at the school. In the Electoral Cafeteria, the mood was quiet and somber. Students are certainly aware that the country is unhappy with their immenent decision to elect George Bush, despite Al Gore's direct mandate from the populus. "The Constitution clearly indicates that it is the Electoral College, not the American people, who elect the president. If you've got a problem with that, why don't you move to a country with a real democracy, like Mexico or Russia!" Questions about the wisdom of having an obscure, non-elected body choose the chief executive will surely be raised after this election is handed over to George Bush. Unless, of course, once Bush becomes president, everybody who hasn't already done so realizes that a rich, white, racist, classist, sexist, homophobic pawn of oil and tobacco companies really can make a good president. Green Party "candidate" Ralph Nader, wearing a "Bush is Best" T-shirt and button that read "The 'W' Stands for the Enviornment!" said that he truly believed in the ability of someone who has never had to try to do anything before because he comes from a rich and powerful family is almost sure to be one of the best presidents in history. He elaborated, "I mean, it's all a matter of degree, right? Gore is a rich white guy, too, you know?" Nader refused to take further questions, as he was on his way to an abortion clinic protest and bombing.
Florida Makes the Country Proud
Joyful chants of "Florida really knows how to run an election, yes, they do!" could be heard all over the country this week, as members of the newly formed Republocrat party cheered the efforts of Florida's mostly retired and blind election workers. The country will not know who its next "president" will be until Florida has completed its recount, which is required by Florida law if the first results are closer than one-half of the square root of 10 raised to the negative power of 57, minus twice the wieght of the ballots in meters. Reform party candidate Pat Buchanan lauded the fast and cleary accurate progress of the recount, which puts him slightly behind the Andromeda Galaxy in the President race and in the question as to whether a high-speed monorail system should be built connecting Florida's five largest metropolitan areas, which should technically only have YES or NO votes. Allegations that the process might be unfair, unconstitutional, or not part of reality at all, have been denied by Florida governer Jeb Bush, who also denies any relation to his brother, Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush. The younger Bush further denies any attempt to guarantee the elder brother's victory by commisioning ballots designed to confuse senior citizens or throwing away hundreds of minority ballots in Tampa and south Florida. "Noooooo, I wouldn't do that," the governer stated.
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