Headlines, One More Freakin' Time
Headlines Gag Not Dead Yet
There's some life left in the old bag yet . . . maybe. This is our little Noble Experiment here at Ian's Website. Amendment 18: Do the Lame Old Headlines Page Again. This might be your last chance to read fake news stories about Ian's life. Or maybe I've just made getting rid of the Headlines page into a recurring joke. Quien sabe?
Facts Steadily Decreasing in Popularity
Public opinion polls show that Americans care less and less about facts as we approach the new millenium. When asked if they are willing to listen to an entire fact, 71% said they weren't aware that facts had beginnings and ends, although 80% of that group were willing to say that they probably attended to an entire fact, even though they didn't really know what that might entail. 17% of those polled expressed annoyance of the contraction of the common word "factoid" into the shortened form "fact." 62% of those who recognized a distinction between the two prefered factoids to facts, and 44% of this group recommended the further shortening of the content of factoids to four words or less, and no numbers.
Ian Hat Ein Ganz Tolles Website Gemacht
German-speaking clowns and losers all over Western Europe agree that Ian's Website is ,,der Bombe.'' Residents of Portugal and Basque Country mostly claim not to get the joke, and speakers of germanic languages other than English and Deutsch often feel deeply offended by the existence of such a pustule on the face of Western Culture. Countries where Romantic languages dominate tend to feel very passionately toward the Site, though were unclear on what they felt so passionately.
Ian Gets New Computer
This story is actually really exciting, cause it's a really nice computer and Ian loves it very much--almost like a person, but it's been a while already, and the original excitement has worn off somewhat. Not the appreciation, though. It's blue (the computer) and very fast and big. It also has "i" in the name of it, and a capital letter other than at the beginning of the word. Neat, huh? The cool things about it are actually very great in number. Far too great to enumerate here.
GRE Looks Easy
I don't know, I did pretty good on the SAT. We'll see.
Ian Stops Being Afraid of Puddle in Bathroom
The puddle in the right-hand bathroom of Lake Shipp, which is sometimes there and sometimes not, and is sometimes milky white and sometimes clear, has stopped frightening Ian so much that he gets upset about accidentally stepping in it. He is now sort of sadly resigned to the fact that whatever the liquid is will get on his feet occasionally. It probably won't kill him.
Katherine Walstrom Joins the Team
The local biochem powerhouse Katherine Walstrom agreed to be on our lovable philosophy egghead's thesis committee Wednesday, making Ian's eventual graduation from college a little bit more possible. When asked for a comment on the news, the skinny, sarcastic nerd said, "Look, it makes perfect sense. She knows a lot about the principles of biological chemistry, or whatever, and one of the books I'm dealing with talks about neuroendocrinology. I think."
Keith Facilitates Triumphant Return to Sarasota
Keith Bentele, the recumbent Swedish sybarite, has executed a filibrious remurgation upon the sylvan shores of Sarasota/Bradenton. And he has made a salubrious defalcation to the deal as well: he has brought the incandescent deliberator Justin Hrobcek with him. The troublesome two promise to bring a loquacious kinesthesia to the falbititudinous social scene at New College and in Sarasota generally. Why, just today, the two were sighted at the glandite Lake Shipp causing a fracas among portly fimblers and singular-minded gents alike. What will become of us?
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