Headlines from Back-to-School Time!
Ian Returns to New College
Ian Vandewalker, popular trickster god of the Hellenic parthenon, returned to Sarasota and the joys of College Life earlier this month. Ian is not living in Third Court this year, as he has done for his entire college career, but instead he resides in the luxurious Elizabeth Q. and Dallas A. Dort Dormitory. The apartments of this building have four rooms each and a kitchenette. They are also rumored to have dishwashers and handles on the bathroom doors, but Ian has not experienced such modern conveniences yet this year. In a recent Internet survey, 100% of people who could prove they were Ian Vandewalker reported being happy about living in Dort. Less than 1% of those questioned said they missed the food at Mariott, and an overwhelming majority said they were happy to have their own room.
Lake Shipp Flag-Raising a Success
The popular college hang out, Lake Shipp, now enjoys full-fledged nation status after a glorious and moving flag-raising ceremony earlier this week. The Lake Shipp flag, which flies proudly and confidently over the small nation, is a beautiful light neon green color and is boldly printed with the words, "Lake Shipp," and the mascot, a noble panther or bear or something. The ceremony was presided over by Ian Vandewalker, who raised the flag with the help of some patriotic duct tape. Parts of Lake Shipp's interim national anthem were sung, and the flag and flag-raiser were squirted with the traditional warm beer from a two-day old keg. Dozens of Novo Collegians were in attendance, as well as heads of state from several other small but plucky new nations. Unlike other important political events, the flag-raising was free of protests by young radicals. Some political analysts suggest that this is because of the spirit of freedom and equality that surrounds the fledgling nation. There is certainly an exciting, almost electric, feel to the air around Lake Shipp, with promise of great things to come.
Ian Ready to Write Thesis
The bright-eyed young student Ian Vandewalker has entered his fourth, and final, year in college. His responsibilities for this year include writing a senior thesis. When asked if he has started working on the large project, Vandewalker replied, "Look, I've got a lot of things on my plate...I'm in this band, I've got a really rad website to keep up, and lots and lots of friends...I'm stretched pretty thin these days." Vandewalker went on to say he was looking into ways to "get around this whole writing-a-thesis thing." His fears of doing all that work are warranted, as the list of once-popular people who were turned into nerdy recluses by the thesis-writing process is a long one indeed.
Lake Shipp Popular, Safe Place to Live
A recent report from the National Seafarers and Homeowners Association, or NSHA, named the local dorm room, Lake Shipp, to be one of the best places to live in the country. Statistics showed that the incidence of violent crime in Lake Shipp is next to nothing, and the property values have skyrocketed since the flag-raising ceremony earlier this week. The effects of the introduction of broadcast television into the homes of Lake Shipp residents on the young nation's GNP have yet to be seen.
"Silly Monkey" Overheard (as Insult) in Internet Lab
Ian Questions Artistic Validity of Headlines Gag
In response to rumors that he wasn't interested in writing the unbelievably popular "Headlines" section of his website, miserly old millionare Ian Vandewalker said Wednesday, "I just don't know if that's the direction I want Ian's Website to be going anymore. I mean, all those inside jokes and New College references--what are they worth to the world? Hundreds of years from now, when the historians of the future are studying important movements in popular media and they get to my Website, they're gonna be like, 'Who's Keith* Bentele?' 'What's a PCP?' No one will care! Also, I'm getting tired of all the typing, quite frankly." The public outcry at the news that Headlines might be no more has been deafening. So loud I can't even hear it.
*'I' before 'e' except after 'c' and in words sounding like weigh, sleigh, Karsten, or sheath.
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