The News from Boston!
Or, How I Spent My Summer Vacation!
Boston Swarming with Both Homeless, Regular People
Small-town hustler Ian Vandewalker was a little overwhelmed by the sheer size of Boston on his first trip there last weekend. He commented, "[i]t's like everything is bigger, the buildings, the signs, the city itself...most of the doorways are pretty much the same size, though. They're all basically people-sized, I guess. But they had these crazy doors that revolve, a thing I could only compare to a personel policy that involves hiring people and then quickly firing them, only to hire other people and then fire them, too." Vandewalker was also surprised by the great numbers of human beings which can be found in the city. "It's almost as if the number of people in the city were proportionate to the great size and large number of buildings. It's all very amazing. There are a lot of homeless people, and in all kinds of different places. Where I come from all the homeless people hang out behind the football stadium. I guess in Boston, there's just too many homeless people to keep behind one football stadium. There were a lot of regular people in Boston, too--people with jobs and stuff."
Princeton Rules!
Florida Family Mugged in Boston
Boston is a pretty dangerous place, if you're from the South. This past weekend, the Vandewalker family from Lakeland, Florida was travelling in Boston on holiday (the family is alledged to be part British) and was mugged and brutally teased by a gang of inner-city youth. The gang members stole all the Vandewalkers' subway tokens and hurled regionalist epithets as they fled the scene of the hienous crime. Witnesses reported hearing the young trouble-makers yell "Go home, Southerners," "We like to keep our trash below the Mason-Dixon line in this country," and "You might have Disney World, but we have Six Flags!" Federal Agents have launched a full investigation, and Massachusetts has sent a diplomatic envoy to Florida to try to prevent a deadly civil war between North and South.
Girlfriend Annoyed at Not Being Mentioned on Website
The lovely Miss Jessica Willis released a statment last month that she saw no reason to keep reading the Headlines on the world-famous Ian's Website, as she is "never in them anymore." Faithful readers will rememeber the ground breaking "girlfriend/boyfriend status" joke in Headlines Numero Dos, which mentions Willis. When asked to comment, Webmaster Ian Vandewalker said, "If I had to mention every girl I'm dating on my Website, there wouldn't be room for anything else! The people want sarcasm, cheeziness, and inaccessable inside jokes, not endless lists of beautiful and popular girls that I've been involved with. Next I'll have to start mentioning all my friends' names on my website! I mean, that's just ridiculous! You can ask any of the following people: Ena Bachus, Caitlin Barry, Bo Bentele, Keith Bentele, Cornelia, Anna Maria Diaz-Balart, Sara Breselor, Britt Dunn, Rose Feather Eagle, Ivy Feraco, Shelley Fite, Jonathan Frommer, Drew Geer, Sarah Goff, Danny Gonzalez, Micheal Goltermann, Jason Grimste, Kim Gropper, Debra Herrick, Patrick Hickey, Sarah Himmelheber, Chris Holleran, Susan Horning, Andrew Hossack, Kate Hubbard, Cody Hughes, Margaret Hughes, Eric Kolb, Sara Latshaw, David Lamfrom, Spencer Mahoney, Dara Matthews, Jay McCauley, Emily Meade, Chris Mitchell, Jennifer Nooney, Andrew Noune, Phil Poekert, Stephen Raabe, Maggie Ray, Lauren Rathvon, Gregg Sanford, Shiva, Julia Skapik, Damon Thomason, Caren Tomaska, Jeff Tonn, Angel Trail, Erin Tucker, Brian Turk, Sarah Turk, Jessica Turner, Eddie Vazquez, Doug Wahl, Rob Ward, Keely Willis, Ellen Wolfgang.
Boston Being Dug Up
Having decided that they didn't like the roads where they were in Boston, city planners have elected to move the roads underground, where they will be out of the way of Bostonians trying to get around in the crowded city. There are now huge holes all over the city, and Boston Harbor is quickly being filled with the dirt from the holes. Wacko cults all over city are excited at the chance to move underground and escape the wrath of vengeful alien warships. Other Bostonians are irritated at having to drive and walk around big holes in the ground, despite the catchiness of the project's name: "The Big Dig."
Unknown Farm Boy Revealed to be Son of Powerful Lord
Sources close to the Imperial Government revealed recently that a young moisture farmer from a remote region of the glaxay is the long-lost son of one of the most powerful members of the Emperor's court. The sources did not say which noble is the newly-revealed father, nor was the name of the boy released, although it is rumored that the fabled all-penetrating "Force" is strong with him. Political analysts have already begun speculating about the likelihood that the farm boy will be groomed to suceed the Emperor, who is getting on in years, despite being very evil. Public opinion polls show that 72% of citzens still think the Emperor is "evil enough to do the job." Twelve percent think it is time for a change, and that any adolecent male would surely be unhappy enough to be at least as evil as the present emperor; and 17% think that Darth Maul is cooler than Boba Fett.
Thanks to Jessica Willis for Help Spelling Names
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