It's very difficult keeping up with Mideast news due to the Orwellian newspeak coming from Washington.

        So here's a handy list of key terms, translated into simple English.

* Liberation - Invasion.

* Coalition - The U.S. and British invaders, plus some troops from rent-a-nations like Romania and Poland.  In the past, "the coalition" would have been called imperial forces and mercenary auxiliaries.

* Dictator - A ruler you don't like, or who does not cooperate.

* Statesman - A cooperative dictator.

* Stability - when things go the way Uncle Sam likes, ie., the status quo.

* Instability - when things don't go the way Unc Sam wants, ie., when trouble-makers try to change the status quo.

* Iraq reconstruction - a process whereby big firms that contribute to the president's re-election campaign obtain contracts to rebuild the damage caused by U.S. bombing.

* Freeing Iraq's oil assets - Washington's seizure and sale of Iraqi oil, which in no way can be compared to Cuba's seizure and sale of U.S.-owned property, a dastardly crime.

* Mideast democracy - regimes that hold rigged elections and obey Washington's orders.

* Free trade - pouring goods and services into the newly "liberated" country, and buying up its key industrial assets at fire-sale prices.

* Terrorism - violent acts by dangerous fanatics and malcontents who refuse to accept the downtrodden status assigned to them by Washington.

* Anti-terrorism - State terrorism.

* Uranium - a yellowish mineral from Niger that causes red faces in the White House.

* Iraq Administrator - A pro-consul or gaulieter, disguised as a minor suburban bureaucrat.

* Drones of death - Iraqi remotely piloted aircraft that the White House claimed were poised to fly off Iraqi ships lurking in the North Atlantic and shower fiendish germs on a sleeping America - which turn out to be two model airplanes, only one of which could fly.  See "vans of death."

* Vans of death - Claimed by Washington to be Iraqi mobile germ warfare laboratories, but turn out, on inspection, to be British-supplied trucks for inflating weather balloons.

* Weapons of Mass Destruction - Nasty weapons, existing or non-existing, that the other side has.  When your side has them, they become invisible.

* Torture - a foul act committed by your enemies. When your side does it, it's called intensive interrogation in Guantanamo.

* Homeland security - bolting the barn door after the horse has escaped by rounding up Muslims and denying them due process of law.

* French - Insubordinate ingrates and depraved chain-smokers who had the nerve to try to block the jolly little war in Iraq, and now sneer, "we told you so."

* Germans - Untrustworthy.  Just when you order them to be warlike again, they go soft.  Wait until they see the next dozen WWII epics from Hollywood.

* Canadians - A bunch of pot-smoking, pinko, wimp nancy boys who marry their best friends and refuse to obey orders from the Great White Father in Washington.

* Islam - An evil faith that promotes violence and hatred, as proven by the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, who learned about the agents of the devil while encountering them in motel rooms.

* Fox News - The Ministry of Truth.

* Al-Jazeera News - All the bad news we don't want to hear.  See Fox News.

* Die-hards and Saddam loyalists - Any Iraqis opposing the invasion of their country.

* Traitors and friends of Saddam - Journalists who questioned the Bush Administration's lurid claims over Iraq's purported threat.

* Moderate - A Mideastern ruler who toes the line and makes nice to Israel.

* Peacekeepers - Troops from browbeaten or bribed vassal states sent to perform garrison duty in U.S.-occupied nations that the Pentagon wants to avoid, or lacks the troops to perform.

* New Iraqi government - An august body that leaps to its feet when a U.S. soldier enters the room, and has total authority over garbage collection and sewers.

* Saddam Hussein - A former close American ally who got too big for his britches.  If not assassinated, may soon be needed again to run Iraq for Washington.

* Uday and Qusay - Yes, Saddam's boys were big-time delinquents, but Crazy Uday's biggest mistake was probably making fun of George W. Bush in his newspaper, calling the prez a draft-dodging wimp.  Perhaps that's why he and Qusay got the multi, anti-tank missile treatment - Texas justice - rather than a nice show trial in Baghdad.

* Eye-Raq - A democracy-seeking Arab state that volunteered for mentoring and tutelage from Washington in exchange for helping out American drivers of SUV's.