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Kevin sighed. He had pigged out during the holidays, and now he felt sluggish, not to mention that he had gained fifteen pounds. Climbing up and down the stairs was a real struggle. Right after Kevin polished off another carton of Hagan-Daaz, he decided he had to lose some weight and get into a vigorous exercise program. Looking into the mirror and seeing ripples of fat instead of his normal skinny, bony shape was just too depressing. Kevin just couldn't stand to be faaaaaaaat. Yet Kev hated exercise with a passion. He was trying to think of the quickest yet most effective and of course, safe method of losing weight. Kevin, who had robbed a corner store a couple months ago, just had enough cash to get himself an exercise club membership. Aerobics was silly and tiring, but it should help him lose weight quickly and Kevin also had the idea that these classes were filled with skinny, beautiful women wearing tights. That would be the incentive for attending the classes. Kevin was disappointed with his aerobics class. Instead of throngs of beautiful women in tights, there were throngs of women who dreamt of being beautiful in tights, but were in actuality, just as flabby as Kevin. The only one who was definitely skinny and debateably beautiful, was the aerobics instructor Tracy. Tracy, however, had the appeal of Attila the Hun, as she bullied, brutalized and terrorized her aerobics class. Everyone, including Kevin, was terrified of Tracy, so much so that no one dared dropping out of her class and face her much-famed full wrath. So Kevin was doing leg lifts three times a week"... "three more two more one more... and twenty more...now... " rang through his sweaty nightmares. Kevin anxiously checked the scale each morning to see how much of the 15 pounds were gone. After a couple of weeks Kevin was rather horrified to see that only 5 pounds have been lost. This meant a whole more month of Tracy and the other fattttties! Plus, Kevin was getting cravings for chocolate and sweets and fried foods. Kevin asked Tracy what he should do to control his cravings, but she only laughed and told him she hoped he wasn't preggers. Kevin didn't think that was funny; it had happened to a brother of his. Then she told him only a soft-shelled yellow-bellied tadpole would give into food cravings and waste her time. Kevin was real scared now. He didn't know how much more aerobics he could take. Plus, he was the only male member of his class and he was paranoid that the chicks were all making fun of him. One of them always gave Kevin long, passionate, yearning looks, and that made Kevin nervous. At first, Kevin wasn't sure the one that made him nervous, the other one-not Tracy, wasn't looking at him as a potential food source... Tracy's aerobics classes left everyone gasping and drained of every ounce of energy. Even Kevin could only think of Hagen Daas as he would lay wheezing on the hardwood floor. But, after several weeks of longing- attempted eye contact from the girl whose name he did not know and whose appearance he never quite knew as she was always stationed two rows back (Tracy was a firm believer of 'Alphabetical order.. one more reason to hate her, Kevin thought) Kevin feared that the worse was true... someone was amoured with him. He thought, resignedly, that he may as well get this terrible inevitable catatrosphe over with, as all his relationships with women went (including his mother) and perhaps sneak a peek at the girl. So one day when they were all merrily bouncing to "I'm too sexy for.." Kevin turned his head and glanced at the woman. Bad idea, for Kevin was temporarily blinded by her fluorescent yellow and pink tights, and as a result he went bouncing off his own little mat, and crashed into the lady beside him. She, weighing a scant 200 pounds, fell over as well and creating a domino effect throughout the room. As the bodies piled up, Tracy flipped out and gave a very long speech about how aerobics is not just burning calories, it's also about co-ordinated your arm and leg movements, since no will like you even if you are skinny if you can't walk properly and if you are a klutz, and dammit, can you see I'm trying to teach you slimeballs something? Tracy continued her rampage by demanding that they all do 10 extra minutes of work to make up for their klutziness. By this time Kev felt horribly responsible, yet sort of glad seeing how if the girl hated her, he assumed she wouldn't bother her anymore. Kevin, as usually, assumed the wrong thing. The girl was still in quite in amoured with Kevin and she had become even more so after interpreting Kevin's little aerobic fiasco as an attempted rebellion to that horrible terror Tracy. The lovesick one began to fantasize of Kevin rescuing her from the horrible clutches of Tracy and her aerobics classes. Like Kevin, she hated the aerobics classes with a passion you could not even begin to imagine, and like Kevin, was too much of a wimp to drop out, before her release date. She would only be released from aerobics until she lost twenty pounds as stated in the Aerobics Contract Tracy made her sign at the beginning of her session. What a fool she was! She had only lost 8 pounds and it seemed her only hope of being released now laid in the attempts of Rebellion by Kevin. But Kevin didn't even know her name. So then next class, the girl announced quite loudly that she had changed her last name to Shapinnizo, bringing along fake papers to prove it to Tracy. Tracy couldn't detect the falsifed documents, so after declaring what kind of idiot would change their name to Shapinnizo, she put the girl into alphabetical order, thereby the girl was sitting right beside Kevin. Kevin got real nervous, and was having more trouble than usual bouncing and flailing around in time to "More than Words" by Extreme. The girl stared unabashedly, and during break time, while Kevin slurped water from the fountain, she whispered into his ear, "don't worry; I'm sure your rebellion will uprise and conquer the evil high aerobic executioner." Kevin choked on his water. Kevin, after choking, (the amoured girl thought he was choked with emotion) stared at her dumbly trying to figure what the hell she meant by what she said. Then he started to stare at her dumbly in awe of her strength, her poise and her beauty. He then realized he was doing quite a bit of staring, with quite a bit of water still dripping off of his face. He wiped his chin with his sweat drenched wristband, straightened himself up smartly and then blew all his poise by blurting out 'You wanna go out with me?'. But the amoured one, still without a name, only smiled a smile that broke Kevin's heart and replied 'Only after you release me from the treachery of Tracy' and staggered off. Kevin was devastated. Tracy terrified him. That night Kevin thought about his next move. He could ignore the nameless one and live through the hell of aerobics until he burned off ten more pounds. This would be the preferred choice if the nameless one was ugly and really fat and stupid and boring. But in that one instance, Kevin knew he found someone intelligent, witty, beautiful, soulful, cool, and an inspired kindred spirit. So Kevin realized that he had no choice. But how could he get rid of Tracy? Too many bad things had already happened in Kevin's life that left him bitter lonely. Too many strange accidents, too many deaths of pre-teens, too many drugs deals in dark corners, too many disasters and too many socks left unmatched when they emerged from the dryer. Kevin wanted to get out of aerobics in the easiest manner possible. So he decided to simply bribe Tracy with the leftover theft money. The bribe was substantial and it could possibly sway Tracy. Tracy had made passing comments of how, once she had milked her aerobising patrons of enough dough, she was going to be the aerobics instructor of somewhere far away from the dump she was now at. Tracy had mumbled something about a possible television show, or the possibility of becoming cruise ship recreation director just like Julie from the Love Boat. Kevin decided to risk the certain death that would ensue if Tracy did not take a liking to Kevin's bribe. So after the next aerobics class, Kevin crawled into Tracy's office. With little energy to walk, much less talk, he simply threw the large wad of money on Tracy's desk before her bulging eyes and veins, and mumbled in her direction, "Go." Tracy's eyes bulged in astonishment. "What!" she bellowed," you want me to leave!? YOU DON'T LIKE ME?" Kevin, shaking, sweating and pale, barely nodded. He closed his eyes, knowing any second now Tracy would be punching and kicking and beating the hell out of him. But miraculously that didn't happen. Instead she slowly sat down and looked longingly at the cash. She said, "Ok scuzzhead, I'll take the dough. And I'll never bother any of you again, but on one condition." Kevin, thankful that he wasn't being pummelled to death, started breathing again. Tracy resumed,"I never leave without a fight. Tomorrow we will all have an aerobics contest with me against you and that stupid chick who ruins my floor by her drooling. If I collapse first, I take the cash and leave. But if you both collapse first, then I get the cash and I get you in my class until you are both down to 115 pounds." Kevin, grateful for delayed misery, as opposed to immediate misery, promptly agreed. He left Tracy's office still in a quakey state, and promptly ran into the amoured one (still without a name). The amoured one gave another one of her heart breaking smiles as she helped Kevin back up on his feet. As Kevin was in one piece and not seemingly bruised, she assumed that Kevin had dealt with the Tracy problem. She was so grateful and so overcome with emotion she was about to give Kevin a huge honking kiss'o'flames, which, incidently, would have been Kevin's first kiss ever. It would have been, that is, but as Kevin had no idea of the amoured one's intentions, he promptly told her of the deal he had struck with Tracy. The amoured one was visibly disappointed, but not altogether despondent. 'Tomorrow then' she said to Kevin, 'Fate will take its cut.'. "Now sweetie," she continued, "go home and eat a nice sensible dinner and get eight hours of sleep." The amoured one disappeared and left Kevin worried and anxious, as usual. He went home and ate some tofu and bean curd and brocolli and he felt like he was going to hurl all that health food, so he had one spoonful of Hagan Daaz which settled his stomach. He had a coffee to calm his nerves. Then he changed clothes and went shopping. If he was going to humiliate himself, he was going to do it while looking good. He bought new sweatbands and fluorescent tights and sweatsuits. Then he went home to a good night's rest. The next morning he grabbed some tapes to bring into the contest; he could not stand Tracy's musical tastes of Vanilla ice and Metallica. He brought his Pavorotti tapes and his Violent Femmes tape and his Mozart tapes and his Learn How to Speak Spanish tapes and his Abba tapes and his Nirvana tapes. He then went through his bag of stolen goods, pulled out three needles full of a clear liquid, and injected large amounts of steroids into his body. Fate could not always be depended on. The amoured one entered the aerobics room, and she was as beautiful as ever. Kevin was so nervous he started to cry, and the amoured one wiped the tears off of his face with her elastic flourescent wristband, and they exchanged small but tender smiles. Then Tracy entered the room. The two drew closer together in fear. Tracy was in full aerobic regallia, with matching leg warmers, headband, wristbands, tights, gator-aid containers, socks and the whole bit. Her muscles were toned and throbing and her veins bulged in synch. Her teeth were gritted together and she said nothing but growled considerably. She was, to say, pumped. Tracy chose the music for the event and no one dared to suggest to do otherwise. Kevin and the amoured one took their places on the floor as did Tracy. The others cleared the floor and the tape began.The tape began with "Trucker Butt" by the Look People. The trio began their movements of bouncing and jumping and flailing. Kevin could not but notice how beautiful the girl looked as the glistening sweat gave her a holy sort of glow. Tracy had a look of pure confidence as she moved in perfect timing. Kevin's head felt light and the steroids suddenly starting (alliteration!) taking effect. Kevin felt his heart pumping, as amounts of energy pulsated through his muscles. He was Richard Simmons! The horrified onlookers stared as Kevin's hair turned curly and brown. Someone changed the tape to Abba and Kevin felt inspired. Even Tracy couldn't believe the change in Kevin as he bounced and sang and was sweatin' to the oldies. Kevin and the girl sang "Super Trooper" together in perfect harmony. But then something went terribly wrong. Kevin went from Richard Simmons to Richard Dawson, and promptly attempted to give Tracy a seven-day kiss. Tracy promptly assaulted Kevin before he was remotely near her muscular lips. Kevin crumpled up in a little ball and writhed around in pain. Tracy didn't even miss a beat and continued to do a set of 100 tummy curls. The Amoured one was shocked and enraged. She desperately wanted to rush to the side of her beloved Kevin, but knowing that he wasn't dead was enough. Her compassion and love for her pale skinny boy began to drive her aerobising to even further heights. She looked Tracy in the eye and for the first time, saw fear. Neither of the two looked like they would ever stop. The opera of Pavorotti blared, but neither missed a beat. They both had much musical intelligence, you see, which they found out after taking YM's "Find your true self" quiz. Anyway, the frightened bystanders called in for an ambulance knowing that one of them would probably go into cardiac arrest. As the music pumped on Tracy got a strange look in her eye. Her lips trembled and her knees knocked. "I'll be your baby tonight" crooned Whitney Houston over the tape player. The girl, inspired while thinking about Kev, kept aerobicizing like she had been doing it all her life. Tracy, gasped and moaned, and finally collapsed onto the floor. The girl was estatic and screamed for joy. Just then the ambulance came roaring in to help the injured, when its brakes failed and it slammed into the girl, killing her instantly. Kevin was driving that ambulance. He had been knocked unconscious after Tracy had assaulted him, and a fellow aerobic class mate had driven him to the hospital. He was dropped off in emergency, where he was revived and immediately tried to get back to his love. So he hijacked an ambulance and tore back across town, sirens awailing, tearing through the stopped traffic and red lights. Being in an ambulance, everyone gave him right of way... even the police! So Kevin forgot all about using the brake and so he crashed through the wall of where his aerobics class was being held. So Kevin hit his only love as she had given up her precious life for his miserable one. Kevin was in shock as he stumbled
out of the ambulance and the coroner pronounced the girl dead. "What was
her name?" he asked. All Kevin could do is stare and breathe and feel his
Richard Dawson hair turn back to his own short blonde stuff. Tracy, being
lifted onto a stretcher, mumbled "You stupid idiot, her name was Carnie
Phillips. And that's my sister, man! You killed my sista!" The coroner
continued, "By the way, I'm also an underground police officer, and you
are under arrest for illegal possession of steroids, stealing a vehicle,
and manslaughter. You have the right to..." As the officer rhymed off his
rights, Kevin made a quick escape. His now thin and muscular body scampered
off to the nearest 7-11 to rob a couple of quarts of Hagan-Daas ice cream.
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