chapter one

chapter two

Kevin was stuck with the job though, and if he didn't keep it for a little while he faced a one-way trip back to Scarberia. "Hi" he managed weakly to an old man who had just walked in. The man grunted and then ignored him. Kevin sighed. He wondered if the local strip club needed any male dancers.

chapter three

He finally found the pants, practiced his dance and went for his auditions at the male strip bars. Alas, poor Kevin had two left feet and was laughed out of every DISreputable club in the city. Crushed, he returned to his job at Wal-Mart. Plastering a fake smile on his face, he greeted every customer with love and happiness. However, Kevin just couldn't stop thinking about how wonderful the leather felt on his body and wanted to feel it again. He loved that wild side of himself and wanted a chance to explore it some more but he didn't know how. Then one day, during his coffee break, he decided that he would actually wander around Wal-Mart and see what they had to offer. He walked past the women's section and just stopped. It was calling to him....the satiny clothing was like the mothership beckoning him....."KEVIN....."

chapter four

It was Kelly's second week of work and she was bored silly. She couldn't believe that she was being paid so much to do so little - who knew that handing people bottles of pills and pamphlets could be so lucridous? Being bored and rich, Kelly Bobo had wandered down the aisles of Wal-Mart on her break looking for something to feed her clothing habit. She had stopped in the lingerie department and her eyes immediately fell upon a satin-silver number that left little to the imagination. Kelly tried on the satin set and had stepped out of the dressing room to get a better look at how her butt looked in the wall of mirrors. Kelly thought that the satin number did justice to her butt. So did Kevin Sharpiro. Kevin was watching Kelly Bobo as she admired herself in the wall of mirrors. Kevin admired Kelly Bobo too. Kevin had fallen madly in lust with Kelly Bobo.

Kelly Bobo had fallen madly in love with her little silver number and decided that she must have it. Unfortunately, her (and Kevin's) coffee break was soon over and she wouldn't have time to get the silver lingerie to the cashier and then get back to her station. Her creepy manager had already threatened that if Kelly was late again she'd be fired. So Kelly Bobo did what was natural to her - she grabbed her clothes and put them (and the horrid Wal-Mart smock) on, over top her silver lingerie and she briskly skipped off to the pharmacy where she then popped a couple of pills and started her shift.

Kevin had seen this all and he was just about to report his fellow delinquent Wal-Mart co-worker to the store manager (for easy brownie points with Wal-Mart and his parole officer) until he realized that this newly gained observation could be put to better use. Kevin decided to blackmail Kelly Bobo.

chapter four

He got to the pharmacy counter where Kelly was dusting the shelves behind her. Kevin took a good luck at her butt and then said "Excuse me! I’d like some service here!". Kelly turned around with a scowl. Forgetting everything she had ever learned in communications class, she said bitterly "yeah?". She had never really noticed this skinny fellow Wal-Mart employee. She didn't really care, either. Kevin said in his most seductive, husky voice "I'd like to get some Tylenol#1's, please...and maybe some silver lingerie...for I believe it hasn't been paid for yet....". Kelly's eyes widened in fear.
 

chapter five

"Well then Kevin darlin', why don't you come over for dinner tonight and I’ll show you just how good it looks" Kelly said. Kevin was taken aback and barely could manage a husky "um...OKAY!!!!" He was not used to such forward women since his departure from the Scarborough Youth Home...He was much more used to the scary yet enticing manly aggressiveness he'd experienced there since the debut of his leather pants... Kelly seductively gazed at Kevin and said "Well, here's my address. Be there tonight at 8pm sharp."

chapter six

Kevin knew he looked like a dork - he was planning to take advantage of Wal-Mart's wonderful 10% discount on clothing, but he already spent this week's paycheck at the pharmacy counter during the past afternoon. He kept buying stuff to sneak furtive glances at Kelly Bobo. He even attempted to flirt with her at the cash register but she would just quietly smile and ring up his many purchases of vitamins, enemas, lotions, condoms, hand cream, condolence cards, and dandruff-preventing shampoos.

He looked at the building and double-checked the address and frowned. Kelly Bobo lives at a Shopper's Drug Mart? Kevin wondered. Never even remotely thinking that Kelly was have given him a false address, Kevin wandered into Shoppers. He was immediately recognized by the security guards from his Wal-Mart pin. As Kevin wandered around the store he was quietly trailed. Kevin approached a burly price-checker and asked where Kelly Bobo was. The price-checker immediately recognized Kevin and noticed his shiny Wal-Mart pin. 'Ah - follow me' he said and took Kevin outside the back door of the Shoppers to the alley behind the store. The other staff followed. They then proceeded to beat Kevin up to a pulp.

chapter seven

chapter eight

He couldn't even finish his third cup of coffee, he was so excited. Kevin put on his leather pants and his tightest shirt, and was just about ready to race out the door to the dance studio when he looked in the mirror. In all the frenzy, he had forgotten about his badly bruised face. He couldn’t go to the dance studio looking like that. They'd think he was some kind of delinquent freak. And Kevin hadn't been a delinquent freak in months.

Thinking on his feet, Kevin remembered that there was a drug store on the way to the studio. He could cover up the evidence of his beating with makeup. He stopped in there and filled his shopping cart with every concealer, foundation, and powder on the market, and anything else he thought might improve his appearance. He even picked up a lovely shade of red lipstick that he thought he might try in private. Kevin wasn't afraid of his feminine side--rather, he embraced it. Hidden in his closet were a pair of black patent leather pumps, a gold lame disco dress, and a curly red wig that he saved for quiet nights around the house when he would dress up and trot around singing songs like "I Love the Nightlife".

But right now, what was more important was restoring his face back to its usual handsome condition. He nipped into a public washroom and started testing out the goods. Figuring that the more makeup he put on, the better he would look, he tried a bit of everything. He started with the concealers, one by one sampling each of the five bs. Six foundations and four powders later, Kevin was a new man. He admired his new visage in the mirror. Truly he was a work of art.

chapter nine

Kevin walked into the lobby of the Denny Terrio dance studio. He got to the reception desk, and informed the very cute receptionist, whose name was Mimi, that he wanted to sign up for dancing lessons, to fulfill his dream of becoming an exotic dancer. Mimi looked him straight in the face and could do nothing else but start laughing at his ridiculous complexion. When she finally regained her composure, she told him, "I think you need more help than dancing lessons." But then Mimi saw him dance, as he did a little test to determine which level he should start at. "Um, we'll get you started right away. The beginner's class starts in fifteen minutes," she told him, trying to conceal her laughter.

Somewhat humiliated, but enthusiastic nonetheless about overcoming his unfortunate handicap, Kevin ventured over to the room where the beginner’s class was starting. Suddenly, he stopped. He saw something that was entirely too familiar to him. There, in the auditorium, doing warm-up stretches, dressed in a sexy pink tutu that did serious justice to her butt and the rest of her, was Kelly Bobo.

chapter ten

Kelly Bobo did keep up with the latest trends in music (as well as fashion and under the counter pharmaceutical trends). Granted, Kelly did not have a strong music collection as she would only shoplift what she needed and then exchange those CDs for her next set of needs. But the only music that Kelly really listened to avidly was by the seminal American gawk band, Marilyn Manson. This was, in part, one of the reasons why Kelly's dancing abilities were so limited - she had been practicing her exotic dance routine to the classic "Time for Cake and Sodomy". The fact that Kelly Bobo kept up with the latest musical trends would prove to have dire consequences. She took one look at Kevin Shapiro (through the reflection of the wall-length dance room mirror) and nearly lost her composure in mid-stretch. She thought she was looking at the lead singer of Marilyn Manson.

chapter eleven

chapter twelve

Kelly seized this perfect chance. She ran across the room and grabbed Kevin, who winced at her strong hands on his tender bruises. "Oh Marilyn," Kelly gushed, "I'm your biggest fan! And I liked you even before 'Sweet Dreams' came out!" Kevin felt confused.

chapter thirteen

Kevin and Kelly retreated to their respective corners of the studio, but Kevin could still see the reflection of Kelly staring at him in the floor-to-ceiling mirror. Kevin was still shaken by this strange twist of fate. Looking away for only a second as he practiced his leg-lifts, Kevin turned back around to see an awe-struck Kelly Bobo rushing toward him with open arms.

This was what he had once so wanted, yet somehow it was so wrong. He was still rather bitter about the incident in the Shoppers Drug Mart, not to mention the fact that his bruises hadn't even had time to heal. Still, he was male, and as he felt the rush of testosterone flowing through his veins, he remembered Kelly Bobo in the slinky silver number and suddenly everything was all right. He extended his arms to embrace the quickly approaching Kelly Bobo. After what seemed like an eternity, in a scene resembling a slow-motion outtake from a cheesy romantic movie, the two young lovers finally locked limbs.

As Kevin held Kelly Bobo in his arms, he was so moved that he thought he saw stars in his eyes (which was really a reflection off the disco ball on the ceiling) and heard the song Feelings in his head (which was really playing over the loudspeakers). He threw caution to the wind and kissed Kelly Bobo like there was no tomorrow. Because with a track record like Kevin's, the odds were pretty good that there would in fact not be a tomorrow. "I thought you'd never come around," he whispered in her ear. "Oh Marilyn, I'd do anything for you!" she murmured to him. Outraged by being called by the name he had been called in the juvenile detention centre by the bigger inmates, he pushed Kelly Bobo away from him.

Kelly Bobo took a good look at Kevin up-close for the first time. With all the smooching they'd done, Kevin's makeup was starting to rub off, and Kelly realized that this wasn't her idol after all--underneath the makeup, he actually had a tan! And Marilyn Manson would never have a tan. And if he did, he wasn't worth her adulation anyway. Skin cancer is so passe. "You're not Marilyn Manson!" she screamed at him. "Marilyn Manson? You thought I was Marilyn Manson?" Kevin was pretty irked by this revelation, because he had a strong personal hatred for Marilyn Manson. Kevin had been a big fan of Kiss, even having joined the Kiss army and owned a Kiss pinball machine, and saw Marilyn Manson as a pathetic imitator of Gene Simmons. And if Kevin looked like Marilyn Manson, did that mean that he was pathetic as well? Kevin panicked. He had done everything he knew how to do to avoid becoming a pathetic loser. He even memorized the fine article in Dirt magazine offering advice on the subject. His worst fears were coming true. He ran from the dance studio, leaving his ballet shoes behind.

chapter fourteen

Meanwhile, inside the Denny Terrio Dance Studio, the embittered and intoxicated Denny Terrio continued to teach his eager yet incompetent students the rumba, cha-cha and the fox trot, oblivious to what had happened.

Kelly Bobo headed for the washroom in an effort to wipe the orange makeup off of her face that would stand as evidence of her makeout session with Kevin Shapiro. Once she figured out who the unwitting victim of her advances actually was, she was mortified. Already Kevin had attempted to blackmail her at Wal-Mart, and now she had kissed him. Although she had kissed hundreds of less-than-desirable guys before, in her days as the biggest slut in her high school, none had attempted to sabotage her blossoming career as a pharmacist the way Kevin had. And without a career as a pharmacist, Kelly Bobo would have no more access to free drugs. She was sorry she hadn’t engineered an even worse beating for Kevin. Kelly shrugged. There was still time.

chapter fifteen

He knew he had to make a decision and he resented it. He hated making decisions. He had to figure out what he was going to do for cash - whether he was going to continue the almost-impossible life of a Wal-Mart greeter or pursue his almost-impossible dream of exotic dancer. He also had to figure out his (for lack of a better word) feelings for Kelly Bobo - whether he loved her or hated her. Kevin felt confused. Kevin had been confused for most of his life and you would think that he would be used to the feeling by now, but he wasn't used to the feeling. In fact, he hated it. So he based this set of decisions on the criteria that he based all his decisions: what was easiest. It was easier to be a Wal-Mart greeter than an exotic dancer. And it was easier to hate Kelly Bobo than to attempt to win her love and all of love's spoils. So with that Kevin began to plot his revenge.

Oddly enough, plotting revenge wasn't as satisfying as it used to be. It was satisfying when Kevin burned down the local library when he received an overdue notice for the 'Celestine Prophesy' (coincidence?). It was satisfying when Kevin drove a couple cars into the only local radio station (EZ-Lite FM) because they wouldn't play his requests for Rush. And it was satisfying when buried his grade five class in the sandbox but Kevin could simply not shake off the allure of male exotic dancing - the thrill of even one night of dance performance - of playfully shedding leather, of strutting, and of madly dancing to the sultry sounds of Nine Inch Nails to an audience of women drunk on pure sexual abandonment (and lots of vodka). Even one night of exotic dancing would be more satisfying than a million years of greeting Wal-Mart shoppers with a slight nod and a friendly hello.

And there was even niggling feelings regarding Kelly Bobo. How could he possibly reject the advances of such a woman - well - how could Kevin reject the advances of any woman for that matter. Kevin was really messed up once again. He needed advice - advice on his dancing career and advice on women. So Kevin got up, dusted off his make-up caked hands and waited for the bus. Denny Terrio would have all his answers.

chapter sixteen

The two wandered over to the local country bar. Kevin bought Denny a few drinks while feeling self-conscious as the tall, built men with cowboy hats stared with hostility at the skinny boy with bad makeup and his obviously drunk 'friend'. Denny urged Kevin to have a couple of drinks himself. Half an hour later, Kevin was pouring out his poor, pathetic life story to the sympathetic Denny, whose mood was perking up greatly due to the large amounts of alcoholic, plus finding a kindred spirit whose life was way more pathetic that his own. "so do I go for Kelly and do I become a dancer or a greeter or just turn to a life of crime...." Kevin was almost in tears by this point. Denny was listening but kept an eye on the line dancing on the dance floor. He could teach that....hell, he could host on a show on that on the country cable channel......

chapter seventeen

"But there just aren't so many shows for dancers anymore--not like Solid Gold, or Dance Fever or even Soul Train. I've gotta tell you the truth though, and that's that I'd give up all of this in a second to get back what I had." (Which, given all that Denny Terrio had at that time, was not saying very much.) "Why don't you keep your day job and try moonlightling as a dancer? Electric Circus is always looking for freaks like you. And I think Flesh Gordon's still has an amateur night...if I recall correctly, from when I got my start there under the name of Satin Sheets, it's on Tuesday nights. But a word of advice--I'd lose the makeup. Chicks don't dig that so much." Then Denny Terrio gulped down the rest of his double gin and tonic and announced he had to leave...a plan was in the works. He would race back to the dance studio to make some calls about changing the name to the Denny Terrio Line Dancing and Macarena Emporium. Kevin called out, "Wait, Denny Terrio...what do I do about Kelly Bobo?" But it was too late...As he rushed off, Kevin Shapiro heard Denny Terrio singing to himself "Hey, Macarena..."

chapter eighteen

Just as he was about to leave the bar, a burly cowboy approached Kevin and asked him to dance. Kevin declined politely, but the cowboy said, "Aw c'mon, its Shania! Everybody loves Shania!" Kevin, not having kept up with the latest trends in music, wasn't quite sure what the cowboy was talking about. He looked hesitantly at the line dancers moving around on the dance floor. They looked so graceful and elegant. "Line dancing is easy," the cowboy told him. "Any idiot can do it." What the cowboy didn't realize, however, was that Kevin wasn't just any idiot. "C'mon, I'll teach you. My name is Merle." So Kevin followed Merle out to the dance floor.

For the next fifteen minutes, Merle attempted to teach Kevin a few basic steps. Kevin, however, just couldn't get the hang of line dancing. He managed to perform the steps without falling over, but his timing was less than impeccable. While everyone else turned, Kevin shuffled, and while they clapped, Kevin stomped. Once, while shuffling in the wrong direction, Kevin almost knocked the whole line over like dominoes. Feeling his face turn red with embarrassment, Kevin excused himself to the washroom to apply more makeup.

chapter nineteen

This idea to win Kevin over was a sudden decision. Originally, after the whole Danny Terrio Dance Studio fiasco, Kelly was so insulted she wanted nothing to do with the boy ever again. Kelly had a great need for some alcohol and some time to think things over. So she went to the only bar that she could be sure that a Marilyn Manson fan (or look-a-like) would not attend - the local country bar. So, with makeup refreshed, Kelly emerged from the women's bathroom. She climbed the stairs and made her way through the crowds of cowfolk only to see her lost love line dancing in tandem with some cowboy.

chapter twenty

chapter twenty one

Kelly Bobo sighed. Did she have to spell everything out for him? Evidently, the answer was yes. "What does it matter? Live on the edge." Truth be told, Kelly didn’t really know where they were going either. But it seemed to work in the movies. Like Breathless, starring Richard Gere. Kelly didn’t care whether or not Richard Gere did get caught with hamsters up his butt, she still lusted after him. For his Buddhist principles, of course.

Kevin was also thinking of a movie, in his case Easy Rider, starring Dennis Hopper, who he did not lust after (much). He pictured himself, Dennis Hopper-like, zooming down the road on the back of a hog, the wind blowing in his hair...it brought back a flood of memories from his childhood. So much so that Kevin was delirious. Kevin leaped toward the motorcycle, and in the process fell on the seat and pulled a groin muscle. He grabbed Kelly Bobo, who was overwhelmed by the romantic overture, until Kevin murmured, "Mommy..."

Mommy? Kelly pondered. Great, all I need is a guy with an Oedipus complex. He probably has some weird sexual fetishes involving diapers, too. "Oh well, whatever turns you on."

Kelly revved the engine as Kevin was regaining composure. She knew exactly where they were going.

chapter twenty two

"I need a few things before we go." Kelly Bobo didn't really have any destination in mind after this, but she'd worry about that when and if Kevin passed this little test of blind devotion. "I need lipstick..."

Kevin was about to offer the red lipstick he had bought earlier when it occurred to him that he was no longer in the Scarborough Centre for Deranged Youth and Kelly Bobo was not a large deranged boy. She might not want to have sex with a guy who wears lipstick. There were many other reasons why Kelly might not want to have sex with Kevin, and he thought it would be best to try to eliminate the ones he could actually do something about. He bit his lip and allowed her to continue.

"...gum, condoms, Sassy magazine..." She hesitated and then quietly added one more item: "...adult diapers."

She quickly glanced up at Kevin. Judging by the disgusted look on his face, she guessed he did not in fact have sexual fantasies involving diapers (much). She breathed a sigh of relief and added, "for my elderly neighbour," lest he think she had a problem with bladder control. "She's bed-ridden and asked me to pick them up for her."

Kevin was impressed with this act of charity. He thought it might improve the odds that she'd be willing to sleep with him. But still, his bruises began to ache at the thought of entering the store where he'd been beaten. He was worried she might be setting him up again.

"Why can't you get all that stuff at Wal-Mart? You can't beat their everyday low prices, and plus you get an employee discount there!"

"Wal-Mart closed an hour ago. Shoppers Drug mart is open all night. Besides, I like living dangerously. I've been banned from this store until 2001, not to mention the fact that we're Wal-Mart employees. Come on Kevin, live on the edge!"

Kevin was torn. Sure, Kelly Bobo's faux leather pants did serious justice to her butt and, for some strange reason she actually seemed to be interested in him. He pictured the two of them running away together, just like Drew Barrymore (whom Kevin had lusted after since E.T.) and Chris O'Donnell (whom Kevin did not lust after, but then again, he hadn't seen Batman and Robin yet) in Mad Love. On the other hand, the memory of his beating made Kevin wary. He wasn't sure what to do.

"Well?" said Kelly, flashing Kevin the sexy "dangerous" look she saw used on Baywatch and had been practicing all afternoon. "What's it going to be?"

chapter twenty three

Danny Terrio could not believe his luck. What had started out as just another crappy day had now begun to look like the day in which his life would turn around. Not only had he come up with the show that would restart his career (Denny Terrio Line Dancing and Macarena Emporium) but he had shortly thereafter ran into someone who could provide the capital for such a venture. As Danny was walking home (well, to his cousin’s home in Scarborough) from the country bar, a limo slowly pulled up side Danny and the tinted black window rolled down to reveal a certain Mr. Wayne Gretsky. Wayne Gretsky had met his wife on Dance Fever when they were both placed on the same panel of celebrity judges and because of this Wayne had always felt a degree of gratitude to Danny. Wayne had been traveling from Brampton ("The home of Wayne Gretsky") and Wayne’s keen eye had spotted Danny. He had called to Danny from the limo with a wide toothy but sincere smile, "Hey Danny, need a lift?" and Danny, who hadn’t been inside a limo in fifteen years, jumped in even before realizing who had called him. Once inside, Danny and Wayne talked of the good ole days and once they had exhausted that topic, Danny began telling Wayne of his idea of the Line Dancing Emporium. Wayne, who had spent a good many years in Edmonton, thought the idea was marvelous and told Danny that he could help him with the capital for such an endeavor. Danny could not believe his luck.

But then one of Wayne Gretzky’s keen eyes twitched as the Great One’s peripheral vision picked up the sight of a motorcycle beside the limo. Wayne turned to see a blond haired trampy woman driving a Harley along side the limo carrying some ghoulish freak with an armful of cameras. Wayne’s keen eyes also picked up the sight of other motorcycles behind the limo. Wayne screamed ‘AHHHH!!!! PAPARAZZI!!!!!!!’ and proceeded to royally freak out.

Wayne freaked out because he was still traumatized from the mass photographers at his wedding who took pictures of him wearing that gawd-awful white tuxedo (oh, the '80s), and worst of all, when he left the Oilers and decided to join the L.A. hockey team. Resentful Canadian patriots with cameras hunted him down wherever he was, taking pictures of his bad side and plastering them on tabloid papers with headlines describing what a traitor he was. Little children spit upon their cereal boxes that has his face plastered on it. Everyone hated him. Never again would he let the media intrude on his life like that. Wayne started screaming at the limo driver to go as fast as possible and lose the motorcyclists.

Danny starting freaking out at Wayne, ranting and raving that he did not want to be killed. He was not really thinking of their safety...he was also thinking how his career would be jumped-started when pictures appeared in the media of him beside such a class act as Wayne Gretzky.

Kevin was only slightly freaking out. He found that putting his life in the hands of Kelly made him slightly nervous, and he didn't have a regulation, CSA-approved motorcycle helmet (sexy heroes on motorcycles never wore helmets). However, seeing a limo took Kevin's mind off the situation. He was always on the look out for celebrities. "Maybe it's Mike Myers!" he said to Kellly, thinking of the only Scarborough celebrity he could think of.

Kelly didn't care about celebrities (unless it was Marilyn Manson). She did, however, notice the limo speeding up. "Hey, they want to race!" Kelly revved up the motorcycle and tightened her grip on the handles. She narrowed her eye and hit th gas. Kevin really wished he had a helmet, wussy as it was.

As Kelly drove faster and faster in pursuit of the limo, Kevin felt even wussier, and at one point even began to cry like a baby. Kelly started to think she couldn't believe she ever liked this guy. More still, she started to think maybe he was just pretending not to have sexual fantasies involving adult diapers. Either way, she wasn't letting the limo that could contain her idol, Marilyn Manson, get away. The rumours about him and Parker Posey be damned, she was bound and determined to become Mrs.Marilyn Manson.

Wayne Gretzky was also crying like a baby. He was afraid that the limo might get into an accident and damage his valuable face, which was at this point, pretty well all he had left of a career. He would have been even more upset had he known that his driver, Pierre, had not only guzzled an entire bottle of champagne, a six-pack of beer, but also a bottle of Prozac before getting behind the wheel. So in his inebriated state, Wayne Gretzky's bawling just made Pierre drive even faster and even more manicly. Denny Terrio was loving every minute. To die with a star like Wayne Gretzky would, well, not exactly revive his moribund career, but what better way to go? What was also encouraging Pierre was an overwhelming bright light, which he thought to be the flash of paparazzis.

And quite frankly, Pierre used to drive around a lot bigger celebrities before his little "problem" was found out, and to be caught with a couple of has-beens like these...well, he'd rather be a cashier at No-Frills. Or a greeter at Wal-Mart. He smirked to himself, and pushed the gas pedal down to the floor.

Kelly Bobo also saw the bright light, but she thought it was searchlights coming from a nightclub, which they sometimes use to indicate that something really big is going on (which it usually isn't.) She drew the obvious conclusion. "That must be where Marilyn Manson is heading! If I get there, and I can dance for him wearing these leather pants that do serious justice to my butt, he'll see it and he'll fall in love with my butt!" Kelly also pushed the gas pedal down to the floor.

chapter twenty six

It was just like a road movie, and they didn't even know it. Kelly Bobo and Pierre both drove relentlessly for over an hour until they reached the source of the bright light, but both of them were too intoxicated--him on booze and pills, her on teenage lust--to notice the time. As it happened, the light was emanting from a huge craft on top of the Pickering Town Centre. It could have been coming from the nuclear plant a few blocks away, but it wasn't. It came from something that looked like a spaceship, only tackier. The round part in the centre was covered in mirrors, like a giant disco ball, and the rim around the centre was a shimmering gold. It was unlike anything any of them had ever seen before. Really.

They stood in silence, mesmerized by the overdone retro stylings of the vast object before them. Kelly was thinking at first that, since it was perched on top of The Bay, that it must be one of those inflatable things stores rent to indicate that they have a really big sale on (which they usually don't), so it must be Bay Day. Which made Kelly pretty happy, despite her disappointment at not finding Marilyn Manson, because she really needed a new pair of shoes and didn't feel like getting caught shoplifting (again). Marilyn Manson could wait--he'd like her even better in a hot new pair of pumps. Kevin started wondering if these aliens would have anal probes. He thought about that for a long time...it made him think of the Scarborough Centre for Deranged Youth.

Finally, the door of the ship opened, and out walked...Denny Terrio. And another Denny Terrio...and another, and another, and then two others. And at last, what they knew had to be the leader of the Denny Terrios, because he was wearing the shiniest outfit with the tallest platform shoes, and he had the tallest hair and the most chest hair. He turned to the Denny Terrio standing by the limousine and said, "Hey, long time no see...well, I guess you're pretty sore about getting left behind last time, but hey! Don't sweat the small stuff."

"Anyway, we're all here now, so I'm thinking you and you..and OK, you too" he pointed to Wayne Gretzky, Kelly Bobo, and Denny Terrio "are gonna come with us, back to the planet Hustle. You and you, however" he pointed to Pierre and Kevin Shapiro "are free to go."

"Wait, what about me?" Kevin asked.

"Well, kid, it's like this. We need Wayne Gretzky to help our hockey team kick serious intergalactic butt...and speaking of butts, Kelly Bobo has a butt that just won't quit. We need as many of those as we can get.  You...well, you're just a freak. You're enough of an embarassment to your own planet. Anyway, good luck to ya, and here's a tip...lose the makeup. Try growing chest hair instead. Chicks dig the chest hair."

"But Wayne Gretzky...what about your beautiful house? Your beautiful wife?" Kevin called out to Wayne Gretzky.

"Forget my beautiful house, and my beautiful wife...we're talkin' alien babes!"

"But Kelly...what about me...or at least Marilyn Manson?" he whined.

"You heard the man...they need my butt."

And with that, the Denny Terrios all boarded the ship, along with Kelly Bobo and Wayne Gretzky. Kevin and Pierre were left standing alone in the parking lot. Kevin's first thought was that this was just like a TV show he saw on the Fox network once, or like when aliens abducted his sister when he was eight. Life was funny that way. Not funny ha-ha, like a football to the groin, but funny in a tragic kind of way, like a crying clown.

Pierre's first thought was that he really needed to find a washroom. An idea was formulating in Kevin's confused head. "I think I should dedicate my life to joining the F.B.I."

Pierre asked, "The Federal Bureau of Investigations?"

Kevin responded, "No, those guys are just weirdos. I'm talking about the Federal Breast Inspectors. I saw it on the Simpsons one time. If I get my License to Ogle, maybe then I stand a chance of getting close to a naked chick...I mean, besides my mother." And, he didn't say out loud, besides the midget erotic dancers at the Small Wonders nudie bar he sometimes weaseled his way into. And at precisely that moment, the mantra that would become that centre of Kevin's existence came to him: "The Babes Are Out There." He didn't know where...he just knew they were there. And one day he would find them and win their hearts (or at least their butts)...even if it meant begging for weeks, months even. (It works in Cosmo, anyway). And so he began his long walk back to the Scarboro Centre for Deranged Youth, where he knew he wouldn't find acceptance, but he was used to it by now.

Back to: The Table of Contents of Kevin Shapiro, Boy Orphan

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