Surrounded by flowers. Everywhere. One could not see without blossoms obstructing one's view. All kinds of flowers. Every colour. Every fragrance. It was overwhelming. It was obnoxious. Kelly Bobo hated flowers.

Not only that, but she was also really allergic to flowers. Huge, bulging hives started to break out on Kelly. It was really gross. She ran really fast out of the flower field to her local pharmacist to buy some Seldane. 

Kelly hesitated before entering the pharmacy. Before entering the door she withdrew as a little kind elderly lady exited the pharmacy. Kelly had a deviant thought and smiled. The elderly woman, who was dressed in purple and wore a hat with a wide brim filled with purple flowers ("I hate flowers" thought Kelly) and smiled warmly in return. Kelly followed the woman quietly as she hobbled to her car. Kelly then mugged the woman and took her drug card. Kelly then entered the pharmacy and with the card bought much Seldane as well 34 different types ofmulticoloured pills pills pills!

Unfortunately Kelly forgot about the "Common Sense Revolution" and the fact that if you earn more than $15 000 a year, as Kelly did in her job as Alanis Morrisette's personal hairdresser, you now had to pay $6.11 per prescription. Let's see... 34 times 6.11 is...uh...a lot of money. Kelly had to pull out her gun and rob the cashier in order to pay for her drugs.

Again.

Kelly scurried back to the flower field where she hid among a thicket of giant ragweed. She had cleared out the entire city's supply of Seldane that day, so she knew she would be safe in the flower fields while the search for her by the local authorities would continue throughout the days to come. She heard the distant sounds of sniffling sneezing police officers and security guards and was not afraid. Kelly's plan of hiding in the flower patch until the search for her would subside depressed her. The thought of sitting and waiting bored her... the actual sitting and waiting she knew would kill her (she is easily bored and this is why she gets into such trouble if you really must know). Kelly decided to meet her ex-boyfriend earlier than scheduled to sell him the Seldane (that he would then overprice and sell to the local townsfolk on the blackmarket) and leave the sleepy town of Point Edward. 

Kelly could barely stand her ex-boyfriend, Kevin Shapiro. She ditched the bastard when she found out that he slept with Alanis Morrisette (the tramp). However, he had the right underground connections to provide Kelly with a tidy little profit. This would provide her with the capital to hit the big city... Sarnia. She heard there was a neat club there, Club Hollywood and she was anxious to check it out. Kelly stopped by a pay phone and gave the dirty rat Kevin a ring. "Meet me at the fry truck." Kelly said. Kevin owed her one for the time she saved him from the wild octopus. Kelly packed up her Seldane in a briefcase and went on her way.

Kelly had taken a number of the more multicoloured pills to hold off her boredom until the pollen-saturated policemen finally staggered away. Everything seems so dreamy and hazy to Kelly as she quietly crawled to the chip truck.. until the drugs wore off and she realized she was crawling and she got up and hurried to meet Kevin. Kevin had been waiting for four hours for Kelly and in order not to seem conspicuous he continually ordered boxes upon boxes of the world famous chip truck french fries. Kelly with her Seldane filled suitcase approached Kevin who was suffering from a bad reaction from his intensive grease intake and was puking.

Luckily for Kevin, included in Kelly's bag o drugs was some Gravol. Kelly forced-fed Kevin a few pills, and when Kevin started to feel better, she sang "you seem peaceful...things look peaceful...I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know. DID YOU FORGET ABOUT ME? I HATE TO BUG YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FRENCH FRIES. I HAD TO REMIND YOU OF THE MESS YOU WENT WHEN YOU WENT AWAY. IT'S NOT FAIR!..." As Kelly sang her emotions became more passionate and she starting kicking Kevin. Kevin looked like he was ready to start puking again. Then a seagull crapped all over Kelly's brand new Gap jacket.

This seagull incident brought Kelly back to the reality of her situation. She was assaulting her semi-comatose ex-boyfriend bearing much stolen goods in the most popular tourist site in the Sarnia-Lambton area. And Kelly was no where near a Gap store where she could replace her jacket. Kelly tossed the soiled jacket, the suitcase of Seldane, and Kevin in the nearby St.Clair River ("Oh no! The octopus!" thought Kevin as he met the water). As Kelly hopped into Kevin's car and sped off towards the closest Gap retail outlet, Kevin vowed to get his revenge upon Kelly as he wrestled the St. Clair Octopus. After clobbering the backbone-less beast of the deep with the suitcase of Seldane (now hopelessly diluted beyond market worth, he sadly noted), Kevin made it to the water's surface, gasped for breath, and then swam for shore.

Kelly tuned the radio to her favorite oldies station. She managed to catch her favorite Beatles tune, "Octopus's Garden." She tried to relax and fished through her pockets to see if she had any Seldane left. Thank god, she thought, a popped the final capsule into her mouth. She held her nose so she could swallow it. Usually, Kelly needed a glass of orange juice. Suddenly, she a voice -- one quivering with fear. Octopuss, it said. Octopuss? Ah, I must just be singing to myself. Kelly settled back for the ride again, though she hoped the Seldane wouldn't put her to sleep.

But the voice continued: "The path not taken is covered with his DNA." Whose? Kevin's?

Kelly then realized that in the tape deck of the car was one of Kevin's stupid homemade tapes. Kevin fancied himself as some ultra-fine dj and continually wasted hour upon hour mixing tapes that no one would ever hear, unless someone needed a lift from Kevin and became a captive audience. Kelly recognized this tape as the Octopus/OJ Simpson mixed tape. Kelly ripped the tape out of the machine and hurled it out of the window. The tape hit an elderly woman on the sidewalk (dressed in purple wearing a purple hat) and caused her to fall into traffic. 

Unfortunately for her, an 18-wheeler Mack truck ran over her, producing a likeness to a squished grape on the road. Kelly thought "that's okay....she was old and she was going to die, anyway" and took off in the car in search of a Gap. Too bad the pathetic little town of Sarnia had no Gap, so Kelly braced herself for the long hour ride to London. Shuffling through Kevin's glovecompartment, she looked at the tapes. Ella Fitzgerald. Crap, Kelly thought. Kenny G. Crap, Kelly thought. Michael Bolton. Crap, Kelly thought. Kelly could not believe the amount of crap music that Kevin had. The best tape she found was a Dance Remix containing those damn dance/country songs. Kelly shoved down the gas pedal in order to get to her beloved Gap as fast as she could. That is, until she heard the police sirens and remembered she was wanted', and not in a good way.

Back to: The Table of Contents of Kevin Shapiro, Boy Orphan

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